tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83569960911177394782024-02-19T00:39:45.181-08:00inside the goldminesurfing's most trusted source of news and current affairsgrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-58860370016227188082010-07-19T23:59:00.000-07:002010-07-20T16:50:12.143-07:00ÄSP Adds Umlaut In Preparation For Mid-Year Surfer Cull.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-6SMYmEg8-y1UL-hKphZK0doMGD-B6ZBgO1CGj6cju4oUkaMko9ZABaUQhJeJOXdEVXxx1qhG7DRCEsumL7HWXt0sDUP-qSOqNP9iMA0WPyK0xY9uFa9IDmH5dB6gCvXMXO-xHWnzaQI/s1600/asp.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-6SMYmEg8-y1UL-hKphZK0doMGD-B6ZBgO1CGj6cju4oUkaMko9ZABaUQhJeJOXdEVXxx1qhG7DRCEsumL7HWXt0sDUP-qSOqNP9iMA0WPyK0xY9uFa9IDmH5dB6gCvXMXO-xHWnzaQI/s320/asp.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5495880799395043266" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Wed 21st July 2010 – </span>An already tumultuous year in professional surfing has taken a further twist with the ÄSP announcing that from today it will now have an umlaut – those two cool, slightly germanic dot things that perform no discernible function – hovering over its initial letter.<br /><br />Those inside the organisation say grammatical shake-ups have been on the drawing board for a considerable time.<br /><br />“When the rebel-tour shitstorm was brewing back in late 2009, we looked at a number of options to give us some edge” says a source,“focus groups saw <span style="font-style: italic;">ÅSP</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">ÆSP</span> testing strongly for us, but the whole thing lost momentum.”<br /><br />Now, though, it appears ASP bigwigs have seen the looming cull of the top 45 surfers back to 32 amid the slabs of Teahupo’o as ripe time to breathe a cold air of Germanic steel into its corporate paintwork.<br /><br />“It’s good enough for <span style="font-style: italic;">Mötley Crüe</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Mödern Collective</span> then it’s good enough for us” reads a release on the ÄSP’s website. “We want the backmarkers, the poor schmucks who haven’t made it through a heat yet this year, those soon-to-be also-rans, to behold the ÄSP’s authority with awe as it dispatches them into neverland.”<br /><br />The ÄSP commissioned in-demand designer and DJ Stefan Swoopmeister to come up with its bold new look. The friendly, blue flowing swooshes of the old logotype have been replaced with a look Swoopmeister describes as “striking, in a neo-militaristic kind of way.”<br /><br />“Fittingly, for a grammatical mark comprised of two dots, the benefits for our über organisation are two-fold”, barked CEO Brodie Carr. “First up, we’re tapping into that whole Mödcol skinny jean bohemian thing, which is where it’s at right now, and secondly, well, just look at it: ÄSP, we're now officially not to be fucked with.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-59226704969223547072010-04-11T23:11:00.000-07:002010-04-11T23:16:01.281-07:00You Must Romance The Wax On To The Board<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxHF7UEPL8j8JqCQXsOulMM3U3JtirpSmqk5boPr0o484NK8GgUEYs4hLKqNmOqpYKAlJ7qm_oe8HGsStQj0Fre9k7cPkm2Pmj9isbx3JlGDzxOJo3RhUk3CpNh9iLAVt_Mlpn9KYjPGw/s1600/candles.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxHF7UEPL8j8JqCQXsOulMM3U3JtirpSmqk5boPr0o484NK8GgUEYs4hLKqNmOqpYKAlJ7qm_oe8HGsStQj0Fre9k7cPkm2Pmj9isbx3JlGDzxOJo3RhUk3CpNh9iLAVt_Mlpn9KYjPGw/s320/candles.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5459130139228119234" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">By Guest Goldminer <span style="font-style: italic;">Enrique.</span></span><br /><br />My God? What are you doing? Take your hands off that pristine new surfboard this very moment! Stand back, and give the wax to Enrique.<br /><br />My accent intrigues you. I can tell. No-one knows where Enrique is from, not even Enrique. There is certainly italian in his husky voice, there may well be some french, and perhaps some russian. All you need to know is that Enrique is a citizen of the globe, and Enrique speaks the international langauge of love.<br /><br />Now, this wax you use, I spit on it... Enrique is seething with rage.<br /><br />Why do you insult this princess of a surfboard with such tacky muck.<br /><br />Here, a gift, not for you, for her. A precious ingot of wax made for the candles of the shrine of Casanova himself, smuggled to Persia by a virginal Joan of Arc, and perfumed under the pillow of the slightly less virginal Queen Of Sheba. Is the finest wax in the world, and your surfboard, she deserves nothing less than such a gift, no?<br /><br />Never forget my friend, that a new board, she is like a beautiful woman, and applying the base coat of wax is like making love to her for the first time.<br /><br />Let Enrique ask you, my clueless chump of a friend: when you make love, do you start jackhammering immediately once the helmet has stormed the barricades as fast as your pasty anglo saxon buttocks can clench and release?<br /><br />No, Of course not, for it is obvious to Enrique that even one as inept in the art of love as yourself will know to begin slowly.<br /><br />Let Enrique tell you something: When it comes to love, Rule number one, make as little physical contact as you can, for the first half hour. Only undressing, admiring, the lightest of caresses. Maybe a little singing if Enrique is feeling in voice. You may only engage in the stink-finger after 40 minutes or so.<br /><br />So too it must be with your new surfboard. Run the back of your hands lightly along the rails. If you had Enrique's silky locks your hair could cascade over her driving her crazy, but alas, you most certainly do not have Enrique's midnight black mane.<br /><br />And set the mood for christ's sake: Some candles and music: Enrique does his best work to George Benson, Kenny G, Foreigner “I want to know what love is.... I want you to show me...." Enrique is in fine voice uh?<br /><br />Now, to begin the waxing. Like this. long, slow circular motions. Light as a feather, as if you do not care if any wax transfers on to the deck. Sometimes a little faster, sometimes a little slower, talking softly, complimenting her on her rails, the subtle single to double concave, give her your word that you will screw her fcs fins in tightly but not too tightly.<br /><br />If she has only recently been glassed you will need to be extra gentle, for she is a delicate flower.<br /><br />So, take your time with the long, the slow, the circular motions, and look! slowly, gradually the first beads of traction appear on the deck. at this moment, it's tempting for a monkey unschooled in the art of love as yourself to speed up, but no, slow, slowly, gently, aaaaaahhhhhhh....<br /><br />After an hour of this, your princess is ready, and if the conditions are favorable, she will be surfed for the first time. Good luck my friend, I believe you can do justice to such a beautiful creation.<br /><br />What's that? How does one approach the next wax job on the same board once she has been broken in? Maybe with a compression dent where you place your knee to assist with the duckdiving?<br /><br />Now that is a different matter altogether my friend. Once you have romanced the base coat of wax onto a board, well, put it this way, your board is still a beautiful woman, but now it is the type you can hit doggy style in the toilets at a party.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Feel the love. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Enrique<br />XOXO</span>grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-51519247548633802642010-03-03T21:20:00.000-08:002010-03-03T21:48:24.089-08:00Rogue Ferret Wreaks Havoc in Quiksilver Pro Judges' Tower.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvk8Mom4kRjUrwNPO0PZe8DkUIQhOnCaEL7lvr2tRVjo5fubdzTKsfKAJM_8Ab3i-AG6iGuenbOswNxIvaJ2TL3CH6rIjF6hGMXgMCRV6AsV2EcyYUKmbZm4qr2b_IrHWydOlvmmY7dps/s1600-h/felix.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvk8Mom4kRjUrwNPO0PZe8DkUIQhOnCaEL7lvr2tRVjo5fubdzTKsfKAJM_8Ab3i-AG6iGuenbOswNxIvaJ2TL3CH6rIjF6hGMXgMCRV6AsV2EcyYUKmbZm4qr2b_IrHWydOlvmmY7dps/s320/felix.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5444644722974418226" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Wed 3rd March, Snapper Rocks, Gold Coast, Australia</span> – A series of puzzling scores and baffling judging decisions at the Quiksilver Pro has been traced to the behaviour of an increasingly aggressive stray ferret loose in the Judges' tower, sources confirmed today.<br /><br />It isn't clear how the ferret gained entry into the enclosure. Locals say recent heavy rains in the Coolangatta region may have forced the possibly abandoned domestic pet to seek refuge in the elevated judging infrastructure at Snapper rocks.<br /><br />“Initially, having the little guy around was a bit of fun,” says a judge who agreed to speak to The Goldmine on degree of anonymity. “He was pretty freaked out when we found him, cowering in the corner under some towels, seemed harmless enough, so we left food out for him and let him have the run of the place.”<br /><br />“He was a well-behaved mascot through the first round, we even christened him Felix, but soon as round two kicked in, things started falling apart.”<br /><br />Bystanders report screams emanating (in a number of languages) from the judging tower midway through Neco Padaratz and Damien Hobgood's second-round heat.<br /><br />“Forget 'White LIghtning' said a shocked onlooker, “I didn't know an animal could run up the a judge's leg and into his shorts so quickly.<br /><br />“One second Felix was curled up on the floor sleeping, the next he's wrapped around a judge's testes, right when Neco was on what looked like a really good scoring wave.”<br /><br />“How the judge managed to remain impartial and lock in an accurate score I'll never know.”<br /><br />The rogue ferret's behaviour has not only impacted the occupants of the tower, there are also reports of cables being gnawed through. The $100,000 instant replay system is damaged beyond repair with nesting debris and feces overheating the circuit boards.<br /><br />According to insiders, key members of the judging staff were 'trying to corner Felix with a broom' as a particularly close heat between Jeremy Flores and Dane Reynolds was unfolding.<br /><br />Unable to view the replay to scrutinise the ride, judges were forced to fall back on their backup device, the 'Applause-o-meter 2000', which gauges the audio levels of gasps and cheers from the beach and award the scores “pretty fairly to the favourites” it is claimed.<br /><br />Sources report that the Ferret – described as fawn-coloured with a cream underbelly, black markings across its eyes, and razor sharp claws and teeth – grew increasingly agitated through the afternoon, becoming particularly crazed when the horn blew to signal the start of the day's final heat between Portugese surfer Tiago Peres and South African child-giant Jordy Smith.<br /><br />“Felix went ballistic, literally leaping from one judge's face to the next,” reports a photographer stationed adjacent to the tower, “by this stage every judge was armed with anything they could get their hands on – dustbin lids, pieces of wood, makeshift body armour, and they're all smashing eachother trying to nail the little fucker.”<br /><br />With the replay system down and their attention anywhere but the ocean, and the Applause-o-meter in smithereens, judges were apparently forced to stick their heads outside the door and ask bystanders if surfer in red's last wave was 'like, innovative or not'.<br /><br />Late last night, new head judge Richie Porta was reportedly trying in vain to track down predecessor Perry Hatchett, who single-handedly captured and released a rabid Weasel unharmed from the judges' tower at Trestles in California in 2003. Perry couldn't be raised.<br /><br />STOP PRESS: In breaking news Felix has been reported heading south towards the Webcast commentary booth.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-35416062590060133572010-02-13T22:24:00.000-08:002010-02-13T23:11:42.993-08:00Dane Reynolds 'A Huge Disappointment', claims Angry Surf Forum Mob.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYKYSx_4yKA9QnKgZS6F_KzxmHMa1RiX5sOrrr4uxVh_tugoijJRYW2BEF3AlGtE9HPI0cVxOK1p0UbpYk7LB5aFE5-uOoCWQxO5BvXL2cm2o_YRmAMQaQ_waQTMAmgurSFo-Kwb_gqvQ/s1600-h/dane.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYKYSx_4yKA9QnKgZS6F_KzxmHMa1RiX5sOrrr4uxVh_tugoijJRYW2BEF3AlGtE9HPI0cVxOK1p0UbpYk7LB5aFE5-uOoCWQxO5BvXL2cm2o_YRmAMQaQ_waQTMAmgurSFo-Kwb_gqvQ/s320/dane.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437983977766730194" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />MON FEB 15TH 2010 – Surf blog enthusiasts worldwide have been driven to rage by the fact that Dane Reynolds has failed to blow their minds with a downright freaky online clip for the second week in a row.</span><br /><br />Several surf sites have had their servers jammed by a torrent of bitter personal attacks on all facets of Reynolds' character, his surfing and sexual orientation.<br /><br />“I'm angry, confused and let down by this prick Reynolds” writes <span style="font-style: italic;">Bugalugs72</span> in a tirade typical of many on <span style="font-weight: bold;">primesurf.com</span>. “So much for cutting edge surfing... the latest Dane Reynolds clip is weeks old. I've viewed it half a dozen times now and am no longer impressed.”<br /><br />It's a sentiment echoed by <span style="font-style: italic;">DaneSux</span> on the futuristically groovy site <span style="font-weight: bold;">spitesurf.com</span>,“Safety turn after safety turn – I don't care if they're performed above the lip – It's all just just so PREDICTABLE after four or five views. Reynolds is a joke and I hold him personally responsible for dragging surfing kicking and screaming back into the dark ages.<br /><br />"Wanker".<br /><br />“In no way is my unfocused and ignorant rage a clear reflection of the bitterness I feel towards my own mediocre talents in the water and the drudgery of my own life, which stretches before me as a sad, increasingly grey wasteland of anonymity” writes <span style="font-style: italic;">YouseCanAllGetStuffed</span> on critically lauded <span style="font-weight: bold;">failsurffail.com</span> “Lord no, It's not about me, it's about someone calling it like they see it, and quite frankly, way I see it, the whole thing stinks.<br /><br />“Take Mick Fanning. Biggest joke of the lot. Without question holding surfing back. I don't think I've ever been less impressed with a so-called world champion.<br /><br />“I mean, put aside his exquisite repertoire of moves, a top turn that will make you weep with its sheer speed, power, timing and beauty; forget for a moment the astounding completeness of his waveriding in any conditions; ignore the personal tragedies, the crippling injuries, the almighty focus and steel will of the man; dismiss if you will the fact he'll be first out every morning such is his sheer love for surfing and the ocean; put to the back of your mind his humility, patience and approachability and what do you get?<br /><br />“That's right, a pathetic joke of a contest machine.”<br /><br />Barely pausing for breath, <span style="font-style: italic;">YouseCanAllGetStuffed</span> continued, “Seriously. if I have to sit on front of my computer anywhere I want and watch a free, three-camera-angle webcast to see the world's best surfers stumble through heats with staggeringly beautiful highwire shredding I can't tell you how upset I might become, and how I'll bombard the world's message boards with my stinking vitriol.<br /><br />“Thank christ for Dane Reynolds. Now there's the future right there.<br /><br />“What's that? We're over Dane now?<br /><br />“Riiiight. Yep, Thought as much. Honestly, Dane Reynolds – what a letdown that conservo-boy-homo is. Sad to think back, all the way back to January, how he was the real deal. These days? Two thumbs down.<br /><br />“Without question, holding surfing back.”<br /><br />Not only is the former poster boy for avante-garde performance now universally loathed for the recent drought of mind-blowing freakiness, Surf media analysts have noticed an online trend towards pre-emptive hating, and cite dangerously renegade <span style="font-weight: bold;">sexmysurf.com</span>, where the hapless Reynolds is acting as springboard in a discussion that's officially attracting a gazillion new posts per minute.<br /><br />“Fuck EVERYONE,” writes self-described 'maverick' blog commenter <span style="font-style: italic;">BlinkyBalls</span> on sexmysurf.com “in particular, fuck the ASP tour, the rebel tour, the judges, the caterers, the security staff, the mags, the locals, the tourists, the blow-ins, Mum, Dad, my little sister, Fanning, Slater, Reynolds. Fuck em ALL.<br /><br />“But most of all, FUCK the bloke who's gonna surpass Dane Reynolds. Whoever comes along in a blaze of glory, doing things we never imagined, well, I'm over him and his late-2011-style conservatism already.<br /><br />“Boooooring!”<br /><br />--------------<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">As the goldmine goes to press with this story, Dane Reynolds' management has offered an emotional apology to the entire surfing world for “Dane's disappointing inability to blow minds with something crazy and new over the last couple of weeks.”</span> <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />“Dane knows he has a lot of soul searching to do” reads the press release, “and personally feels he deserves every well-considered barb his online supporters have skewered him with.”</span>grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-48572000960209447982010-01-31T20:04:00.000-08:002010-01-31T20:11:39.473-08:00Huge Flesh-Eating Fish Loose In Oceans, Reports Surf Group.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8fW1pWyAu-1tiR7EfQVR-7yXnkSBdh-1ulYkaqjbyx-y2g5KWvzl76CY2Q48eQ9BJDv1IXrs_phd7uOgohmY6VX8B4QA67yJqOdlAys5R5BwX21N-BbpdlFz0MXy5nSl2cF_mYn0dQz4/s1600-h/sharky.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8fW1pWyAu-1tiR7EfQVR-7yXnkSBdh-1ulYkaqjbyx-y2g5KWvzl76CY2Q48eQ9BJDv1IXrs_phd7uOgohmY6VX8B4QA67yJqOdlAys5R5BwX21N-BbpdlFz0MXy5nSl2cF_mYn0dQz4/s320/sharky.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433122586065803938" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><span><span style="font-style: italic;">By</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Nick Carroll</span><br /><br />Vast fish capable of devouring human flesh</span> at will are roaming the world's oceans, possibly in huge numbers, according to a study released today by the renowned activist group, Friends of the Surfing Environment.<br /><br />The fish, estimated to be between two and five metres in length and equipped with rows upon rows of huge triangular-shaped teeth, are yet to be identified by any other ocean biological institute. But the FSE study claims they may have been lying in wait in the ocean depths for millions of years.<br /><br />"At last now we have some explanation for why people -- including surfers -- very occasionally go missing from beaches around the world, or are washed up onto the sands with dreadful wounds which science has never been able to account for," said Jeffrey Beachhead, FSE's director of research.<br /><br />Beachhead and his crew had spent years searching for proof of the gigantic, vicious predators' existence, capturing only fleeting glimpses of their disturbingly sharp-edged pectoral fins, cold assassin-like black eyes, and vast, gaping, fang-filled jaws.<br /><br />Rumours of a blood-chilling bycatch of the deadly fish in the Gold Coast dolphin nets - designed to protect Japanese tourists from being irritated by the sight of live dolphins - have circulated for decades, while officials have refused to comment.<br /><br />But recent discoveries - including a dead whale, washed up on a South Australian beach with huge chunks of blubber torn from its sides - have added weight to what was once just a mad theory bandied about by conspiracy nutters and wackjob environmentalists.<br /><br />Surfers and fishermen alike reacted to the shocking revelation with a mixture of horror, relief and outright scepticism.<br /><br />"I knew this wasn't a figment of my imagination," wept NSW North Coast surfer Johnny Dickson, showing off a deep crescent-shaped "bite-mark" in his upper thigh. Dickson had claimed for years that the injury was due to a large, terrifying fish having seized upon him "like some sort of tiger" and shaking like a mad dog before inexplicably releasing him from its grip.<br /><br />But friends, doctors, local police and others had dismissed the claims, saying Dickson was "always trying to get attention" and that he'd probably inflicted the wounds himself with a pocket knife.<br /><br />"They'll be eating their words now," muttered Dickson, sporting an ironic grin.<br /><br />Nonsense, says Felix Thurston, of the Florida-based Institute for People Disappearing off Beaches For No Apparent Reason. According to Thurston: "This farcical theory about massive ravenous killer fish has been proffered before, and has always been found wanting. Until the FSE truly satisfies the burden of proof, we will continue to assume that people are being abducted by deep-space aliens for their own unknowable purposes.<br /><br />"For God's sake, if the ocean really was full of these terrible grey beasts, how could Mankind ever have colonised the globe?"<br /><br />Asked if he had any advice for surfers and beachgoers in general, Beachhead shrugged his shoulders. "Frankly, I don't know what to tell anyone," he said. "We all thought the ocean was a safe place. It's hard to get your head around the fact that an entire sub-family of death-dealing fish the size of Stand-Up Paddleboards have been out there since before humans walked the planet, just waiting for the right moment to strike."grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-55445977181935428632010-01-18T22:33:00.000-08:002010-01-20T18:22:16.716-08:00Legrope-Free Purist Slightly Less Smug After Fourth Swim To Beach.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6sd9AzbS_pvMYo_2Lp6vOcPn8NsQXIfJMCfkpDuEe8RwxC2Y1T90ebkzrSOncg8vMwKA_fGrtmksoP4kWy1Jnf0WkIfcLsttylLtv_hwFhYcNlM_b2yxD0hp8JUCB1d2O0hRja4gLyYs/s1600-h/fuckface.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6sd9AzbS_pvMYo_2Lp6vOcPn8NsQXIfJMCfkpDuEe8RwxC2Y1T90ebkzrSOncg8vMwKA_fGrtmksoP4kWy1Jnf0WkIfcLsttylLtv_hwFhYcNlM_b2yxD0hp8JUCB1d2O0hRja4gLyYs/s320/fuckface.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5428336288600413010" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Toonalook backbeach, January 18, 2010.</span> – Local soul surfer Carl Reid's annoying air of superiority took a well-deserved setback today thanks to a number of tiring swims to retrieve his retro twin-fin fish.<br /><br />Reid, 23, met two friends, John Mcphee and Wayne Tanner at Toonalook backbeach lookout at 3.00pm whereupon they agreed on a quick surf despite the marginal windswell on offer and rapidly dropping tide.<br /><br />“We were getting changed and straight away Reidy was on our case for how lame we were for using a legrope on a two foot beachie.” recalls Tanner.<br /><br />“Thing is, I kinda agree with him but there's something about the way the smug prick comes over all fucken-holier-than-thou that makes me want to punch him in that goateed face of his.”<br /><br />Reid, who adorns his boards with Sea Shepherd stickers, continued to lecture his friends about their 'infantile dependence' on the legrope as they made their way down to the water's edge.<br /><br />Onlookers observed Reid’s legrope-free posturing and body language with distaste.<br /><br />Bea Smith, 78, a long term Toonalook resident, walking her beagles along the beach at the time, commented to reporters. “Look at 'im, like a strutting peacock that boy is. Poser is what I reckon.”<br /><br />Disdain soon turned to joy for the eyewitnesses as Reid lost his board four times in half an hour.<br /><br />On each occasion he was forced to swim all the way to the beach.<br /><br />“It was magic” claimed a clearly elated Mcphee, “the first time he swam in he was all like 'it's a good workout' and 'I'm feeling the flow' and stuff, but you could see him getting more and more pissed off. By the fourth swim he was fully losing his shit, swearing and carrying on.<br /><br />“He'd be madly swimming after his board and every time he'd almost get to it, a little whitewater'd come through and take it out of his reach.”<br /><br />Mcphee continued: “Kinda makes me believe that there might be some kind of karmic force behind the ways of the ocean after all., 'Cos anything that wipes that smug fucken I'm-more-in-tune-with-the-great-mysteries-of-the-ocean-than-you-look off his face has got to be good.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-82224736227882223402009-12-19T19:18:00.001-08:002009-12-19T21:27:27.402-08:00Goldmine Author Calls Off Two-Month Search For Motivation.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW-FGfRdnva0vxDPOegWvTZyfosKyiDXoOdDteXHynisM2ZwSaRYsipnUXzl5OzcwRh4ew74v5IaqalV-UELcoD_XkdHWEi5CwyoNZIFuSawg4fS1VH5hZ648SL_iiqPdRBxU64Siqhoo/s1600-h/sloth.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW-FGfRdnva0vxDPOegWvTZyfosKyiDXoOdDteXHynisM2ZwSaRYsipnUXzl5OzcwRh4ew74v5IaqalV-UELcoD_XkdHWEi5CwyoNZIFuSawg4fS1VH5hZ648SL_iiqPdRBxU64Siqhoo/s320/sloth.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5417169035716472018" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 20th December 2009.</span> Graeme Murdoch, of Burleigh Heads Queensland today called off the search for the energy and motivation required to post entries on sporadically humorous blog 'inside the goldmine'.<br /><br />“I thought if I spent some time away from the blog, you know, bludging for a while, then after a while I'd turn around and Bam!.... there it'd be, staring me in the face and urging me to get stuck into the next soft target that blundered into my field of vision.” said the 42-year-old.<br /><br />“But weirdly, the opposite happened: the longer the absence, the less necessary it felt to continue, blogging became increasingly less vital to my sense of vindication. It was oddly liberating to let the time between entries lapse from days to weeks to months.”<br /><br />Witnesses report that the signal emitting from Murdoch's 'give-a-fuck-about-anything' beacon has become so weak that any prospect of locating the drive and passion to continue the goldmine, – indeed, to approach any creative endeavour with rigour and professionalism – would be nothing short of a Christmas Miracle.<br /><br />“I dunno” said Murdoch, scratching his arse, “I might have another look behind the couch or in the car under the seats in the new year sometime. Maybe there'll be some remnants of desire or commitment I can scrape up and cobble together, but I wouldn't count on it.<br /><br />“For now all I'm good for is to lie around and eat chocolates and watch entire series of <span style="font-style: italic;">Dexter</span> in one go.”<br /><br />Friends express fears that Murdoch's standards of personal cleanliness will wane along with his creative mojo. “It's scary to think he might actually pay less attention to grooming and hygiene than he does already,” says one.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-38781594126766698762009-12-11T02:12:00.000-08:002009-12-11T02:21:58.393-08:00Dave Montoya Fundraising raffle winners<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;">Hi all. Hey sorry for the lack of satire</span></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;"> over the last month.</span> Been kinda distracted away from the whole humour thing lately.<br /><br />I'm using this blog post to announce the winners of a fundraising raffle we had for a mate, Dave Montoya who's fighting a brain tumour right now. Guy's a legend.<br /><br />Anyway, we raised 15K and Dave and hid bro are headinhg off to the States to pursue some treatments not available here.<br /><br />Grand Prize Winner: Graeme Pedermont<br /><br />runner up #1: Nathan French<br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >runner up</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" > #2: Michael @ Golden Legends Restaurant<br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >runner up</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >#3: Debbie Arkland<br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >runner up</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" > #4: Robyn Luke<br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >runner up</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" > #5: Sam Smith<br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >runner up</span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" > #6: Margaret Kelly<br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >runner up</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Verdana,Helvetica,Arial;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"> #7: Ash + Dee Frost</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">cheers. Here's to Dave hey.<br /><br />Gra<br /></span></span></span> <!--EndFragment-->grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-61068396713544936842009-11-21T13:42:00.000-08:002009-11-21T13:49:24.177-08:00Modern Collective A “Trojan Horse for Socialist Utopia.”<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOEHCzqEVeyMQAF-h2nJnNsRR7FBvStWRqZcoZS1MMwoHHReOAghSN33EYGQVhY_vJcPMSRxqoAD4rx-fN4zqnoVw1Mrj9AmZKTtKQsHz7s_jfqJnUJCPwcpDxL5NWziJ-RBEZKysJcQE/s1600/socialist.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOEHCzqEVeyMQAF-h2nJnNsRR7FBvStWRqZcoZS1MMwoHHReOAghSN33EYGQVhY_vJcPMSRxqoAD4rx-fN4zqnoVw1Mrj9AmZKTtKQsHz7s_jfqJnUJCPwcpDxL5NWziJ-RBEZKysJcQE/s320/socialist.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406676391615595938" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Tim Baker.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Planet Earth –</span> Stars of the highly touted new surf movie, Modern Collective, have been shocked to discover the project was all an elaborate ruse by film-maker Kai Neville to impose his leftist-socialist politics on the world.<br /><br />In the fine print of agreements signed by the surfers, they are henceforth obliged to donate all future income “for the collective good of humanity.”<br /><br />Under the agreement, private ownership of wealth is strictly prohibited and the surfers’ earnings from sponsorship and prize money, as well as all profits from the film, must be handed over to a number of approved “community projects”.<br /><br />“I thought collective just meant we were going traveling and surfing together, not some kind of crazy kabutz shit where we had to give everything away,” complained a stunned Dion Agius. “I should have twigged when Kai started carrying on about upsetting the apple cart, and apples for every one. I just thought he was on the pingers.”<br /><br />Lawyers for the surfers are poring over their contracts but so far can find no loopholes in the binding agreements they have entered.<br /><br />“It first came to me one day at Canguu,” said Neville, of his inspiration for the scheme. “I’d just despatched some little Balo kid to order our lunches and fetch me some fresh batteries when I had a kind of epiphany. I just couldn’t justify tripping around the planet in the lap of luxury with all these wealthy guys while so many people went without the basic necessities of life,” he said.<br />“All these unpaid extras in surf movies, often in impoverished third world locations, earn nothing from our imposition on their homelands and I figured it was time we gave something back. It’s nothing but an accident of birth that we have so much while they go without.”<br /><br />The combined annual incomes of the surfers, Agius, Smith, Mitch Coleborn, Dusty Payne, Yadin Nichol and Dane Reynolds, believed to be in the vicinity of US$4 million, will be diverted into a charitable foundation and distributed to a number of community groups.<br /><br />Top of the list is a large training facility for unemployed youth around Canguu, equipping them for jobs in the surf industry. Everything from board making and ding fixing, to website design and film making will be taught. Additionally, the surfers will all be required to perform several weeks of community service in the facility. Any failure to comply may result in an extended stay in a special “re-education camp.”<br /><br />“Machado had the right idea. All he had to do was pretend he was digging a freaking well for a few minutes while Taylor got the shot, and everyone thinks he’s a bloody Saint,” bemoaned Mitch Coleborn. “We’ve basically signed our lives away because of this crazed little Che Guevara posing as a camerman, and if we complain and try and wriggle out of it we look like the bad guys.”<br /><br />The only one not complaining is Reynolds. “I’ve always hated being a surf star and all the money and opportunities that come with it,” said Reynolds. “Frankly, it’s been torture. This will finally allow me to really be the kind of gritty, down-at-heel rebel I’ve always wanted to be.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-973152511672988482009-11-10T22:29:00.000-08:002009-11-10T22:34:44.742-08:00Lifelong Friendship Ends After Mates’ Rules Violation<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi11VN4UpRiQdt-1WSuckg85G6h9K_cdn9nRXxpTNIKscUsYihTXDQPpttSMYYN8g6hd6YukjazxrMp8GTQCthptRY7mP82eOGeQboB4gmFQgjmvSpg3os2F2l6K04-0CeaA2DfL8wjSmA/s1600-h/fightclub.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi11VN4UpRiQdt-1WSuckg85G6h9K_cdn9nRXxpTNIKscUsYihTXDQPpttSMYYN8g6hd6YukjazxrMp8GTQCthptRY7mP82eOGeQboB4gmFQgjmvSpg3os2F2l6K04-0CeaA2DfL8wjSmA/s320/fightclub.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402730439029430786" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><span><span style="font-style: italic;">By</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Chris Binns</span><br /><br />TOONALOOK WATERS, EAST COAST AUSTRALIA:</span> Ted Newbury and Damon Hensley today officially declared their 25-year mateship over, citing irreconcilable differences. After years of mediation and counselling following ‘Bowlogate’, the sorry night that saw Newbury forget to buy Hensley a round, then later fail to honour a pantsing at the pool table, the final curtain came down on the pair’s strained relationship this morning at Toonalook Back Beach, when Hensley failed to wait on the sand and watch Newbury’s last wave.<br /><br />According to a distraught Newbury, the wave was “ a real good one, ay. I linked her all the way through, stuck a big floater onto the sand and did that kick-your-board-out-and-catch-it-and-keep-running thing. I was pretty pumped and looked up for Damo, but... he wasn’t there. So spewing, I’m just over it. After all I’ve done for that guy...”<br /><br />Hensley admits his fault but claims he’d had the shits with his former mate from the time they’d suited up. “Ah y’know how it is, he picked me up from home like he always does, but something just didn’t seem right. I was bagging his shitty driving and he didn’t seem to appreciate it like he normally does. Then in the carpark I was pissing in my wetty and flicked some on him, and he just looked at me like, whatever. So I was like, whatever too, y’know?”<br /><br />The pair were civil in the water, except for on one occasion when Newbury dropped in on Hensley, who he claims was too far back to make it. “Yeah,” says Newbury, “I went, but I had to. Teddy was never gonna get around that one, and it was too good to let go. He does it all the time and I’ve had a gutful of pulling back on bombs that he doesn’t end up making.”<br /><br />According to Newbury, the situation was quite different. “Fuck mate, the only reason I don’t make ’em is ’cos that clown’s always on the shoulder pushing the section down on me. He calls me Too Deep Teddy, but I reckon Drop-In Damo’s more like it. Fuck ’im.”<br /><br />About the Mates’ Rule violation on the sand, Hensley is quick to set the record straight. “It was pretty shit out there. We’d been in the water for a while already and were running late for work. Edward had called last wave, and I snagged a set and beached it. Then I seen him catch at least three more little in-betweeners and kick off and paddle back out every time. After one he coulda come in on and didn’t, I bailed. It was cold on the sand and now he’s all sour on me. He can get rooted.”<br /><br />Although their friendship is over, Hensley and Newbury later released a joint statement saying they their other dealings, as brothers-in-law and business partners, will be unaffected.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-27110082806248483522009-11-03T15:47:00.000-08:002009-11-03T15:50:11.455-08:00Dane Reynolds Reluctantly Gives Up Paper Run To Concentrate On Surfing Career<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwPkTpVKq4hAgUKEqrSheCVEGHTYr26WckSPOC6cEvUH6p1Why9JsNgyLWN3sxvBolE9UbQvv5kEads5FoF5sofSvpBT8IGbEk4qMSdAx7PWQpeEbeFeIXQ4axScWqO0hMCBLP6iitRvI/s1600-h/danepaper.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwPkTpVKq4hAgUKEqrSheCVEGHTYr26WckSPOC6cEvUH6p1Why9JsNgyLWN3sxvBolE9UbQvv5kEads5FoF5sofSvpBT8IGbEk4qMSdAx7PWQpeEbeFeIXQ4axScWqO0hMCBLP6iitRvI/s320/danepaper.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5400028762353662610" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Nick Carroll</span><br /><br />California:</span> In a heart-wrenching statement to friends, family and the global surf media, Dane Reynolds has announced he will be giving up his twice weekly paper run.<br /><br />The run, which Reynolds first took on at the age of nine, covers a number of streets near his childhood home, and involves riding around with a basket of local free newspapers and tossing them into the front yards of various residents.<br /><br />Giving up hand delivery of the Ventura Guardian will allow Reynolds to focus all his attention on his pro surfing career, which he said had suffered in prior seasons from broken concentration. “I was always stressing … I’d be sitting in the lineup at Teahupo’o or Hossegor, and thinking about getting back home in time for next Tuesday’s delivery.”<br /><br />The $25 per month paycheque funded the purchase of his first very own surfboard. Confessed Reynolds: “At first I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find the money for my next quiver, but then I recalled I was being paid a million dollars a year by various sponsors and got my surfboards free from the world’s highest profile board designer.”<br /><br />Nonetheless, admitted Reynolds, the decision to abandon the paper run has caused him considerable angst. “I’ve got nothing to fall back on now,” he told reporters, brushing away tears. “Apart from a paper run, and colossal stardom in the undeniably hip global surf culture, what else am I qualified for? I feel as if my youth is slipping away.”<br /><br />Reynolds also plans to sell his specially modified bike, which allowed him to carry up to 100 newspapers at a time. But, he said, “I won’t just sell it to anyone. That bike meant the world to me.”<br /><br />Local grandmother Lupe Gonzales said the whole neighbourhood would miss Reynolds. “We always knew when the paper had arrived by his raucous bellowing. ‘Read all about it!’ Dane really knew how to wake people up.”<br /><br />She said the neighbourhood was planning a party to celebrate Reynolds’s long paperboy career, but she expected only a few people to show up, since the party would be on a Sunday morning when all decent Americans went to church.<br /><br />New area paper boy, Bobby Martinez, says he is hoping to follow in Reynolds’s footsteps. “Boy, would I love it if a major surf corporation threw that kind of money at me!” said Martinez. “Then I wouldn’t have to win ultra prestigious ASP world tour events just to keep myself in airfares.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-11164784793969266932009-10-28T19:31:00.000-07:002009-10-29T02:41:14.313-07:00Ooooh, I Wanted Our Boy Fanning to Win the World Title But Now I Think I'm Rooting For That Joel Fellow Again.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbi682VSD8AXbzBGU9cukjE5ff5qKS2DQdvRPusWkRYrlWi1ibW0Csfi1ZudnzQvvQEQk08ycTUBmoMYVxKl6xvLb_zzE0M_2eqCql_JE-mpBnParbJ1FpE8QN3C5-nKfDnZYQZlhWYqo/s1600-h/flo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbi682VSD8AXbzBGU9cukjE5ff5qKS2DQdvRPusWkRYrlWi1ibW0Csfi1ZudnzQvvQEQk08ycTUBmoMYVxKl6xvLb_zzE0M_2eqCql_JE-mpBnParbJ1FpE8QN3C5-nKfDnZYQZlhWYqo/s320/flo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397848363407596306" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Guest Opinion</span> By Goldmining Grandma <span style="font-weight: bold;">Florence Tolhurst</span></span><br /><br />Ever since a young Midget Farrelly set my heart on fire back in the day I've had an eye out for the surfies. My husband Walter – God rest his soul – couldn't abide the sight of 'em, so for the half-century of our holy union I've been careful not to admire these young bucks too openly or else he would get annoyed. He really would. Annoyed. My word. Yes.<br /><br />Did you know my Walter always blamed that Shaun Tomson chap for his first coronary? Found some folded-up pictures of him tucked away in my sewing drawer back in '78 he did. Next thing you know we were screaming up Parramatta Road in the ambulance, with him refusing to hold my hand, muttering 'You've got some nerve, Florence' through the oxygen mask.<br /><br />I never meant to hurt my husband. He was a good man. A decent man. Yes he was.<br /><br />Since Walter passed though I've been free to follow the surfies on the internet to my heart's content. It's a real treat for half a dozen of us ladies in the home to sit down with a nice cup of tea and watch the surfing contests on the computer.<br /><br />At my age, you might say my passion for the surfies has mellowed a little. It's more matronly concern now than when I was ... well ... you know what I mean. Here, have a toffee.<br /><br />Have I told you we don't really care for the surfing out in the water awfully much? – too much sitting there, bobbing around, really, and without the most powerful of stimulants, half of us doze off after five minutes' commentary anyway.<br /><br />What we absolutely adore is the interviews after they come out of the water! Such Manners! Oh, my word, such well brought-up young men!<br />Just when you thought gentlemen were a thing of the past.<br />Always going on about how great the other fellow surfs. Always so lovely and humble.<br /><br />And always so sun-smart, with their little friends rushing up and handing them their caps straight away as soon as they get out of the water. You don't want melanoma now, do you. Oh no you don't. Horrible thing. Awful.<br /><br />These boys give us endless things to talk about. We're always saying to eachother “My word, isn't it considerate of the other fellow's feelings when a lad says he was 'lucky to get through that heat' ”, or “That Dave Reynolds boy looks like he needs a hug” and “Ooooh, I'd like to put that Georgie Smith between two slices of bread...”<br /><br />I am still a woman, after all. Feelings get stirred up.<br />From somewhere deep. Yes, deep.<br /><br />Not that Hector Alves though. He looks like a monster in his ASP photograph. Get that beastly man away from me. Mercy!<br /><br />I've always had a soft spot for our boy Fanning. He looks like a lad who'd help you across the road. Lovely. Just lovely. It was sad to see the poor soul missing out by the cruellest strokes of misfortune through the first half of the year.<br /><br />But he's had his title hasn't he? 'Share' is what I always say. Don't be greedy. Don't be like that Slater fellow. Reminds me of Elvis he does. Never had enough to make him happy and look what happened to him.<br />They never learn. No they don't. Elvis. Such a shame.<br /><br />So I was happy for young Joel's crackerjack beginning to the year. He's started his family quite young hasn't he? I always say, have 'em while you're young because then you've got more friends and you need friends don't you? I always say that don't I? I do.<br /><br />Yes, Joel, lovely smile, lovely, but Esmae and Ada always wondered if he wasn't a bit cocky and I think they're on to something. Everything was always so easy. He looked like the cat who swallowed the cream.<br /><br />So I started pulling for young Mick again, and what do you know, he's back on top! How wonderful. Yes. just lovely. Such a lad.<br /><br />Well I WAS in Mick's corner until he won that thing in Portugal last night. Came straight out of the water and do you know the FIRST thing he did? Someone stuck a can of some newfangled energy drink in his hand and he and actually drank the whole thing! While he was being carried up the beach. In front of everyone!<br />Like he didn't care who saw!<br /><br />God knows how much of the sugary muck the poor boy is hoovering up in private. Poor love.<br /><br />Esmae reckons that next thing you know they'll be rushing down the water's edge with insulin, either that or a dialysis machine. She's got a mouth on her that woman. Yes she has.<br /><br />Did I tell you that Diabetes took my poor Walter away? I'm not going to get attached to Mick only to lose him to the same scourge. It's just not right.<br /><br />And that boy Joel has such lovely, white teeth, he wouldn't go near the stuff. No he wouldn't.<br /><br />Go Joel. You make an old woman proud. And flushed.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-31167656155531855512009-10-23T22:19:00.000-07:002009-10-25T17:47:48.563-07:00Arm Raising Shoulder Dweller Accuses Surf Mag Editors of Discrimination<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmr4SV0mrgHkVuZg0YsuhEMNOveXG6Oy2-B1PihisWSkb7c1REvu5g257qyCRO9BSu0giaxa7hhcl9qJD3MT9p6_hrjl2HJ8OoEd1tSTNxUjSWUuspaLTLT9e3i291stZfvm78KhvEayA/s1600-h/armraiser.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmr4SV0mrgHkVuZg0YsuhEMNOveXG6Oy2-B1PihisWSkb7c1REvu5g257qyCRO9BSu0giaxa7hhcl9qJD3MT9p6_hrjl2HJ8OoEd1tSTNxUjSWUuspaLTLT9e3i291stZfvm78KhvEayA/s320/armraiser.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396703943155335874" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Guest Goldminer <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tim Brimblecombe</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SLACKS CREEK</span> – Local arm raiser Ray Smurgon has accused surf magazine editors of discrimination after failing to feature in any magazine or website with his arms up while a surfer rides the barrel.<br /><br />Mr Smurgon believes the editors are conducting an orchestrated campaign and has accused them of photoshopping him out of images.<br /><br />“I don’t understand it ... I’ve been to most of the big sessions in the past six months, you name it, I was all over it sticking my hands in the air and playing an important role,” said Mr Smurgon. “But did the back of my head with my arms up get one photo in any of the mags? No. Not fricken one.”<br /><br />He accused editors of disrespect for failing to acknowledge his work and that of others who dedicate their lives to sitting in the channel or on the shoulder looking like they are taking part but never catching a wave.<br /><br />“I’m out there on the shoulder, you know, doing the hard yards,” said Mr Smurgon, who admitted he cannot surf and has sometimes had to be saved while returning through the shore break by bodyboarders and young families on vacation. “I’m on good terms with all of the photographers, there’s a lot of mutual respect out there and that’s what comes with being a waterman. But as for the editors ... I don’t see them out there on the frontline.”<br /><br />Mr Smurgon said several lucrative advertising contracts were under threat because of the poor exposure he received.<br /><br />“There’s a lot that can be placed on the back of your head, believe you me, and I’ve been working on some new techniques to give advertisers excellent return on their investments.<br /><br />“I have a new technique, which I call “the line of sight project”. Basically I line the surfer up with the photographer and the back of my mind’s eye. It’s like having an eye, but it’s at the back ... of my mind.<br /><br />“And that’s not to mention the months of training I put in preparing for the latest big wave season. I spent hours watching Ricky and the boys in the Australian slips cordon during the Ashes and admiring how they raise their arms when appealing.<br /><br />“I not only marvelled at their passion in the appeal but what also amazed me was the drive they seem to get through the legs. Of course I’m sitting on a board and can’t use my legs so I’ve worked hard developing that drive through my core. I do a lot of SUP ... that’s great for the core.”<br /><br />Mr Smurgon was unsure what the future held.<br /><br />“I plan to speak individually with each editor and if they won’t budge then I have a couple of other projects on the go, one of which is my book to be called “Presenting the Eye”, which is basically a how to guide which I hope to have in all good book stores by Christmas.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-26892479623696113722009-10-20T20:05:00.000-07:002009-10-20T20:09:01.589-07:00Aloha Shortage “Critical”<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc-16Rm3sw6qm4g0BR8mDK5pbmqyeBnPVpX3QbGTJTBysrQcyNnMigA_kHBiaKdonQiYbbeeaJpbtSBpDTf3DhLfZjdpJsEtdmfhe-5NH7hQ-sXtZfCo5nJWpIcMAEx__AXX3e1ri2EIE/s1600-h/mahalo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc-16Rm3sw6qm4g0BR8mDK5pbmqyeBnPVpX3QbGTJTBysrQcyNnMigA_kHBiaKdonQiYbbeeaJpbtSBpDTf3DhLfZjdpJsEtdmfhe-5NH7hQ-sXtZfCo5nJWpIcMAEx__AXX3e1ri2EIE/s320/mahalo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394884939261506994" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Guest Goldminer <span style="font-weight: bold;">Rick Bannister</span></span> <span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br />– reporting from the near future –</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HONOLULU</span> — Aloha shortages have hit much of Hawaii, particularly the island of Oahu, at the height of the winter surf season.<br /><br />Several islands in the Hawaiian group, including Kauai, Maui and Molokai, have imposed restrictions to maintain reserves until locals carrying more of the sacred energy arrive from the Big Island of Hawai’i. On the island of Oahu, locals and tourists have reported no aloha anywhere for the last five days.<br /><br />"We had warned central government that this would happen months ago and now we are struggling to meet demand," said the concierge at the Lae Nani Outrigger, Kam Faaola.<br /><br />The problem has been exacerbated by increased consumption of aloha during a record run of west swells on the North Shore. Not only the Hawaiian word for hello and goodbye, the deeper meaning of aloha is the joyful sharing of life energy. It seems the increasing number of surfers from around the world, particularly the aggressive nature of the Brazilians, has caused nearly all of the aloha in local reservoirs to evaporate.<br /><br />Oahu has experienced aloha shortages before, but the trouble this year is unprecedented. The government reacted this week by declaring a state of emergency to ensure that locals did not run completely dry and be unable to welcome any visitors, regardless of whether they were surfers or not, during a year in which a record four and a half million tourists were expected.<br /><br />Well-known local pro Chase Harrison would not say what measures the authorities should take. But he said that "aloha shortages are a major problem, because they have an immediate impact on tourists, especially haoles who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing in the line-up at Sunset. Bra, I want to show everyone aloha, but as a local surfer there’s only so much joyful sharing of life energy I can manage."<br /><br />Dwindling aloha supplies have provoked other problems. The state has warned that locals are producing just half the number of shakas they were last year. The shocking drop in the signature hand gesture of Hawaii also suggesting that the local population’s ability to “hang loose” might also be flagging.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-66793447672336797332009-10-18T20:42:00.000-07:002009-10-18T20:45:39.107-07:00Disgruntled Surfer Claims “Time Didn't Stand Still.” Launches Class Action.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7v9fbG6TJpHgbSYrF1Ev0vJAW6k_AKoEa6-cwI2TH9u90ZMZg3fauT-pErq5PT180IGwMaxzgAPc26Ll77_wP1PZELFEWm1xJD7LlESpC4__OStM3eJJFKU3C1KnLEcdb7VheZn_v_rQ/s1600-h/wat.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7v9fbG6TJpHgbSYrF1Ev0vJAW6k_AKoEa6-cwI2TH9u90ZMZg3fauT-pErq5PT180IGwMaxzgAPc26Ll77_wP1PZELFEWm1xJD7LlESpC4__OStM3eJJFKU3C1KnLEcdb7VheZn_v_rQ/s320/wat.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394151986105855330" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Guest Goldminer</span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> Tim Baker</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SOUTHPORT, QLD – An angry Gold Coast surfer has launched a massive lawsuit against Shaun Tomson, Gerry Lopez and large sections of the surf industry and media, claiming that tube riding is a hoax.</span><br /><br />Garry Peabottom, of Varsity Lakes, claims he has spent thousands of dollars and most of his adolescent and adult life trying to get tubed, because he believed “the systematic, deliberate, and misleading brainwashing of the entire surf culture, that the tube riding experience would give meaning to my life.”<br /><br />“Time doesn’t slow down at all,” he told a busy media scrum, outside the Southport Magistrates Court. “If anything, it’s speeded up. I was in, then I was out again. Nothing happened. I’m the same person I always was, damn it.”<br /><br />In his action, Peabottom claims he had accepted the “contrived surf media lies that tube riding would be a somehow transcendental, transformative experience.”<br /><br />“They’re all in on it - the pros, the companies, the mags, the video makers, selling us a pack of lies,” he claimed.<br /><br />The truth, he reckoned, was that his first brief tube, during a boat trip to the Mentawais with a gang of mates, had been “maybe mildly more exciting than having a tug, and nowhere near as good as a root.”<br /><br />Mounting his own case, Peabottom called several supporting witnesses to the stand.<br /><br />Frank “Franger” Mitcham, a plumber from Labrador, told the court Peabottom had been obsessed with getting tubed as long as he’d known him. “He’s not that crash hot a surfer to be honest. I’ve never seen a bloke get guillotined by the lip so regularly. He had a nack for it, would just stick his head in the things as if he wanted to get it taken off. He was hilarious.”<br /><br />Peabottom, a large-bodied, ungainly goofyfooter, said they had scored “sick Maccas for three days, with only me mates, a few Brazzers and a bunch of pros in the water,” he told the court.<br /><br />“As soon as I saw that wave, I just went, this is the place - this is where I’m going to get my first barrel,” Peabottom testified. “For the first coupla days I just got dropped in on, blew take offs or would get into an unsteady tube squat, get sucked up the face and sail over the falls with the lip.”<br /><br />Several scars on Peabottom’s forehead and elbows, he claimed, were the result of repeated scrapes with what he called “the razor sharp reef lurking just below the surface.”<br /><br />“Finally, on day three, I started to get the hang of it. Oh, I still blew a lot of them, but I caught a few lazy shoulders and then worked my way up the food chain until I was in the spot when a set came.”<br /><br />He described the wave as “easy double over head” and claimed he was “fully shitting meself,” as the first wave of the set approached, but managed to catch the thing and gain a clean entry.<br /><br />“I just stood there and the lip threw out and over me and I managed not to fall off,” Peabottom related. “Oh, it was nice enough and the view was pretty amazing for a few moments there, but I guess it had been built up so much in my mind by all those years of brain washing that it was a bit of an anti-climax, really.”<br /><br />The defence case rests on the question of whether the plaintiff was actually in the tube. Star witness “Franger” Mitcham vehemently corroborated Peabottom’s story.<br /><br />“Oh, he was in there alright. None of us could bloody believe it. We were all hooting our heads off and got right on it that night, drank the boat dry and demolished the duty free in celebration of Gazzer’s barrel,” he claimed. “I thought he seemed a bit subued though, not his usual self.”<br /><br />Peabottom’s suit demands substantial damages from several major surfwear labels as well as the publishers of the Surfer’s Naval magazine, known for its flowery prose on the wonders of tube-riding, a number of distinguished surf identities known to have described the tube in extravagant terms, as well as respected surf writer, Barney O’Flannery. “He’s the worst of the lot,” Peabottom told the press. “You should see the garbage he writes - active meditation, stilling the conscious mind, creating a state of Flow. What a bunch of bullshit,” Peabottom spat.<br /><br />He is seeking financial compensation for the money he has spent on boards, petrol, airfares, surf camp tariffs, even magazines and movies, over a 15 year period. He is also inviting other surfers who feel they have been similarly misled to overcome their shame and come forward to tell their stories.<br /><br />“It’s a hoax and I’ve been had, we’re all being had. I’ll stay home at my local beachbreak and practice my airs from now on. They are way more rad and that Dane Reynolds dude, he ain’t trying to sell shit. The one consolation out of all this is I have finally found a surf star I can trust.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-44698692725019468052009-10-11T23:32:00.000-07:002009-10-11T23:49:24.404-07:00Humpback Whale to Take On Major Surf Industry Position<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-69qyIRISEslstv0xmxt_Z3N9_kueW02BmxDrqVExv3EdwC2P0HidM8KYRNodW-rfZ__wdiPwBWbQiJEkZ_lGKqfsoSe4-pyVNss2Jx4sElH8g4vmGML91Bqc4D6CA7XI01LIdqhaHoo/s1600-h/sally.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-69qyIRISEslstv0xmxt_Z3N9_kueW02BmxDrqVExv3EdwC2P0HidM8KYRNodW-rfZ__wdiPwBWbQiJEkZ_lGKqfsoSe4-pyVNss2Jx4sElH8g4vmGML91Bqc4D6CA7XI01LIdqhaHoo/s320/sally.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5391598277476848130" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><span><span style="font-style: italic;">By Guest Goldminer</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Nick Carroll<br /></span></span><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">(with added stupid bits by <span>GM</span>)</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span><br />SYDNEY NSW –</span> At its annual shareholders’ meeting yesterday, well-known surf corporation MegaSurf named “Sally”, a fully grown humpback whale, as its next Vice President of Marketing.<br /><br />“We’re stealing a march on Billabong,” declared MegaSurf founder Wayne Cribbage. “They’ve merely got Dave Rastovich hanging around the humpbacks. We’ve gone one step further and hired one.”<br /><br />The massive whale, who measures over 14 metres from beak to fluke and spends much of her time migrating between the Southern Ocean and the species’ South Pacific breeding grounds, has no previous industry experience.<br /><br />Cribbage refused to be drawn on the question of affirmative action, pointing out that most people in the surf industry have never had another job either.<br /><br />“Whales just seem to be these very appealing creatures who live in the sea all year round and are in touch with the great environmental mysteries…and the environment is very important to our customers.<br /><br />“Plus they’re really huge, but non-violent. And girls love them! So it’s cross-marketing.<br /><br />“It just makes sense.”<br /><br />“Sally”, who speaks in a series of indecipherable clicks, squeals and humming sounds which are only audible underwater, will convey her orders to her human underlings through a complex tail splashing method known as “fluke morse code”.<br /><br />“She’s already told us to hire Rasta and to get involved in a global push to protect the giant Southern Ocean krill and plankton fields,” an enthusiastic Cribbage told the shareholders.<br /><br />MegaSurf insiders speculate that the plumb role of Contest Director at the MegaSurf Pro Fiji will also fall squarely into Sally's barnacle-encrusted lap – a suggestion Cribbage makes no attempt to deny.<br /><br />“It's early days yet but we envision Sally playing a key role in the contest's webcast at the very least.<br /><br />“With our understanding of the intelligence of these creatures growing by the year – not to mention their resurgent numbers – whales themselves are potential consumers of fine MegaSurf apparel and surf goods”<br /><br />“To that end, Sally will click, squeal and sing her commentary, heat by heat, from an underwater booth at the MegaSurf Pro Fiji. We hope the glorious combat of Pro Surfing will capture the imagination of Ceteceans young and old.”<br /><br />It's understood Sally has agreed not to give personal 'shout outs' during the sonar-cast.<br /><br />“Abuse a commentator's privileges to transmit messages to family and friends? Even <span style="font-style: italic;">I</span> know that's completely unprofessional,” she is understood to have tapped out in her crude morse code.<br /><br />Little is known yet of Sally’s views on MegaSurf's other marketing investments, but no professional surfers have been laid off or replaced.<br /><br />Top MegaSurf pro Himbo Jackson – currently ranked third in the world – says he’s happy with the appointment. “Normally having a chick in charge of my salary would be a cause for concern,” Jackson said. “But since she weighs around 40 tonnes, swims faster than most small fishing vessels and can dive to colossal depths below the ocean surface, I’ll let it go for now.”<br /><br />According to Cribbage, MegaSurf had “nothing to lose and everything to gain” by employing the world’s first non-human surf industry executive. “Sally is showing every sign of being a positive inclusion in our management team, going forward.<br /><br />“And after all, if things don’t work out, we can always sell her to the Japanese. They love whales.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-50006291683357537152009-10-05T19:57:00.000-07:002009-10-05T22:37:38.584-07:00Billabong Executives Conspiring to Wax Mick Fanning's Board with Soap.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3OPN3YxbFk28EuKno79PA5bkDgcYX0h8tv8Ciy6cI-_JJn-vMR_lSecHFmfM8yBmx7g-lOetpbrQqrevtmBxlEHkKRu2axInK_9I2ro0ClxLTuQ15tErpA5DhqSOZiFToA7V8StyDurk/s1600-h/micksoap.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3OPN3YxbFk28EuKno79PA5bkDgcYX0h8tv8Ciy6cI-_JJn-vMR_lSecHFmfM8yBmx7g-lOetpbrQqrevtmBxlEHkKRu2axInK_9I2ro0ClxLTuQ15tErpA5DhqSOZiFToA7V8StyDurk/s320/micksoap.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389316609627948754" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Billabong HQ, Australia</span> – Joel Parkinson's 2009 World Title lead is to be protected 'by any means possible', a leaked internal email revealed today.<br /><br />The explosive document implicates a number of individuals in Billabong's marketing team as holding secretive 'Think Tank' sessions in order to guarantee early season runaway leader Joel Parkinson stays ahead of the ASP pack come December.<br /><br />“We've already printed five thousand <span style="font-style: italic;">PARKO9</span> commemorative tees and caps, and designs are finalised on the Numero Uno Mega Stretch Titanium Eco Champ boardies” the document states, “so unless we wanna dump this all shit into landfill ... well, thinking caps on, gentlemen.”<br /><br />The email continues: “Our attempt to steal Mick's quiver in France was a mixed success. On the positive side the burglary was executed with stealth and brilliance - all nine boards were removed from the house without the occupants stirring. On the down side our contracted thief broke into the wrong apartment and took CJ Hobgood's boards instead. We put this glitch down to the fricken language barrier.”<br /><br />In a conspiracy that seemingly reaches all the way to the top of the surfwear giant's sprawling executive branch, a wide and devious range of submissions are tabled in a powerpoint attachment, including:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">• KIDNAP</span> either Mick's beloved dog Taylor, or recently-sighted alter-ego Eugene, with a series of early third round exits as ransom.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">• SWEAR</span> to Mick and his entourage that Rip Curl's mobile search event has been moved from Portugal to Siberia, “Honestly”.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">• HACK</span> into Mick's twitter account and post several tweets suggesting that The Wolfpak are a bunch of effeminate shoulder-hopping homos, and that Mick could take any number of 'em down in a fistfight on any beach in the world. This could come in handy if the title race stays open until Pipe.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">• WHOOPS!</span> If Mick wins Mundaka, arrange for the traditional throw off the harbour wall to be miscued. “It's entirely possible that a mistimed throw could send the champion back on to the cobblestones on the other side of the wall” reads the rationale.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">• CONTRACT</span> a delusional evil genius to rig up a gigantic doomsday electro magnet of sorts – perhaps secreted in the iconic church overlooking Mundaka – and aim it at the metal hook in Mick's hip bone as he takes off. “It worked in an old episode of Batman” the submission reads, “so perhaps it could be applied in this case of corporate-sport-sabotage.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">• APPEAL</span> to Mick's sense of mateship and egalatarian sense of fair play, using emotive language such as “Garn maaaaaaate, you've already got a bloody title, thought you two were mates, maaaate...” etc<br /><br />The leaked corporate email dismisses all the above suggestions as “spirited but ultimately stupid.”<br /><br />The document states bluntly: “We will be proceeding with 'Operation Greased Lightning' ” and provides details on the strategy to wax Fanning's boards with soap.<br /><br />“A cache of Palmolive Gold soap has been bought at IGA supermarket in West Burleigh. It was purchased with petty cash so it cannot be linked back to the company's financial records. We hope to have it smuggled into Spain within 48 hours.<br /><br />“It would be too suspicious if Parko himself was to waltz up and say 'Heeeey Mick, ol' buddy ol' mate ol' arch rival, let me wax your shooter with this oddly aromatic wax', so we're looking to co-opt the third member of the 'cooly kids' as an agent of sorts.<br /><br />“Yes, while Mick's going through his pre-heat stretch/dance routine, none other than Dean Morrison will use his honorary status as the third 'kid' to access the inner sanctum of the comp area and apply the dastardly top coat of slippery gold that will clear the way to glory for Parko.<br /><br />“Fortunately, Mick wears headphones in his pre-heat warm up, so he won't be able to hear Dean's devious and evil laughter.<br /><br />“This will be the single most destructive Dingo act since Azaria Chamberlain, but without the blood – unless of course Mick slips and pierces his own scrotum with a fin, or the tip of his DHD 6'1”.”<br /><br />“Mmmmmmwwwwaaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaahhhh” the document concluded.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-86697609709736460982009-09-30T23:16:00.000-07:002009-09-30T23:26:01.452-07:00Web Reporter Hospitalised for Multiple Personality Disorder<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwjnVkCJZZFnMX1gL7p1SaFncwTtuIIzKYMaQ0p3EVE9nLVc5zUpycK7BgP1LxwEEmXbkmW-B9xwJCF7zCFuw3S8bBWOQBkgcBWwvL77RgZFjFuLg7KWSDBlTWKNW3p1DMyCsw9mZvdBw/s1600-h/straightjacket.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwjnVkCJZZFnMX1gL7p1SaFncwTtuIIzKYMaQ0p3EVE9nLVc5zUpycK7BgP1LxwEEmXbkmW-B9xwJCF7zCFuw3S8bBWOQBkgcBWwvL77RgZFjFuLg7KWSDBlTWKNW3p1DMyCsw9mZvdBw/s320/straightjacket.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387512228479326850" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />By Guest Goldminer</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Tim Baker</span><br /><br />Perth, Australia –</span> What started as a promising, edgey career in the exciting world of new media, has ended in tragedy and finger-pointing.<br /><br />Rupert Penniwinkle, work experience boy and part-time web administrator for free local surf magazine, <span style="font-style: italic;">Fully Sick</span>, began showing worrying signs in his regular despatches on their website several months ago, but sadly no alarm bells went off among his employers, co-workers or legions of readers. What happened next may forever alter workplace laws in this country, particuarly when it comes to allowing junior staff unfettered access to the internet without supervision.<br /><br />Penniwnkle’s acid-witted commentary on the surfing world had shot him to almost instant internet celebrity, among his immediate circle of friends and local cafe patrons. The parry and thrust of the comments section below each of his articles had become especially popular, as the great unwashed rank and file of the surfing world stormed the barricades and had their say. Or so it seemed ...<br /><br />“It started innocently enough,” Neil O’Shannesy, Penniwinkle’s former editor, observed.<br />“He’d post an item, we’d all weigh in under invented names, just to get the ball rolling, to give people the idea of the kind of poison and viciousness we wanted, and they’d soon get the idea, join in and start baying for blood and hurling abuse with the best of them.”<br /><br />Soon, however, O’Shannesy’s increasingly busy social calendar allowed him little time in the Fully Sick office and the former work experience boy was given complete, unsupervised access to a computer, a broadband internet connection, and the Fully Sick website’s content management system, sometimes for days at a time.<br /><br />“I know, I know. It seems crazy in hindsight,” bemoans O’Shannesy. “But he seemed to pick it up right away. A natural. I showed him a bit of the nastier stuff on YouTube and he just got it. He didn’t need us any more. He adopted a few other nom de plumes and would happily engage in heated arguments with himself for hours, until someone took notice. He’d even put on different outfits for each character. And he was ruthless. He’d tear strips off anyone and anything, even himself. Our readers just loved it. I know, I’ve spoken to all of them.”<br /><br />It wasn’t long, however, before these multiple identities began to compete in Penniwinkle’s brain for supremacy.<br /><br />“I’d write something contentious like, I don’t know, live theatre is strictly for wankers. If no one bit, I’d chime in with an empassioned defence of the exact opposition,” explains Penniwinkle, a little wearily, and clearly under the influence of powerful medication.<br /><br />“Then I’d abuse myself and before I knew it I was at my own throat, literally,” Penniwinkle reccounts vividly, grabbing himself forecefully by the scruff of the neck.“The third man in usually wrote the other two off, and so it went. There was a kind of crazy beauty to it, like releasing the hounds. It felt fantastic just to let all these mad, illogical, mutually contradictory thoughts out into the world and let them run like brushfires. It was wonderful to see the readers join in with a kind of mass blood lust. To incite the power of the mob! I felt .... for a moment ...” Penniwinkle pauses, regards the stark surrounds of the hospital ward. “Glorious,” he whispers.<br /><br />Though hospital visitations are strictly limited and supervised, Penniwinkle is already beginning the painful process of putting the pieces back together - feeding and toileting himself, taking short walks with the aid of a zimmer frame, even visiting a corner street for cigarettes and breath fresheners.<br /><br />Penniwinkle is currently allowed closely monitored, half hour sessions of internet time each day.<br /><br />“They’re still there, the voices, but I just try to igore them mainly,” Penniwinkle explains seriously. “Oh, I get itchy fingers from time to time. But then I remind myself what I’ve learned here in the occupational therapy classes. How we are all one and interconnected.” He breathes a heavy sigh. “I had no idea. I thought that’s what the internet was for. Why didn’t someone tell me?”<br /><br />Back at Fully Sick HQ O’Shannesy and publisher Phillip Nolan are re-assessing Penniwinkle’s future.<br /><br />“I reckon he’ll be good at selling ads,” declares Nolan, with a sudden, broad grin. “That bloke would sell a rat’s arse to a blind man as a wedding ring. We’re going to conjure a win out of all this one way or another.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-73008966757879173642009-09-27T19:13:00.000-07:002009-09-27T20:29:55.940-07:00Complete Bitch Chooses to Read Magazine on Beach Instead of Watching, Transfixed in Awe, as Boyfriend Surfs<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHGS0QR9JfvJxmcWWwz70BN0sd_kjCdXzJfQQA98eGD9KzWFrGYCJSfsgIJVSpMG0g69kw1-xSdSgN9GKzZw3YaYHv-lraKHPW3ajWoTpBIgxDn1oHLLJEkVbWqXUiogRBkaHkBcaLJ0g/s1600-h/troll.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHGS0QR9JfvJxmcWWwz70BN0sd_kjCdXzJfQQA98eGD9KzWFrGYCJSfsgIJVSpMG0g69kw1-xSdSgN9GKzZw3YaYHv-lraKHPW3ajWoTpBIgxDn1oHLLJEkVbWqXUiogRBkaHkBcaLJ0g/s320/troll.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386336217174033282" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Fairhaven, Victoria –</span> It could be splitsville for teen power couple Grant Edmonds and Marcia Davis, sources close to the pair revealed today.<br /><br />Mr Edmonds is reportedly fuming over a perceived snub from long term girlfriend Davis, who is said to have paid more attention to her copy of Cleo magazine than to her partner's surfing.<br /><br />This, despite Edmonds deliberately choosing to surf a peak directly in front of her, and hooting loudly when paddling into a wave so as to sound the alert.<br /><br />“We've been together for like three whole months. I just can't reconcile such an ice cold bitch act with the same princess who's so nice and sweet she won't even let me finger her,” said a clearly upset Edmonds.<br /><br />“Every time I did like a heaps good reo and that I'd look back to the beach and she wouldn't even be looking UP.<br /><br />“You think you know someone, and BAM, they spit in your face.”<br /><br />Friends report Edmonds spent the first 20 minutes of his two-hour surf wondering aloud if Ms Davis was watching him or not.<br /><br />Edmonds' consulted with good friend and surfing partner Andy Matthews.<br /><br />“I told him it was hard to tell, ay,” says Matthews “Maybe she could have had an eye on the lineup over the top of the page. I'd say at that stage it was a 50 50 call if she was watching Grant or not.”<br /><br />Witnesses claim Edmonds' confusion over whether his girl was marveling at his surf skills or being a total bitch drove him to attempt ever more ambitious manoeuvers to draw her attention away from the worthless junk she was reading.<br /><br />“Hell yeah, Grant was going for it” smiled Mathews. “He does these forehand reos where he'll fall off the back of the wave, like the wave's long gone, but he's still in the layback position with both feet planted on the board but he's floating on his back in the water.<br /><br />“He was holding that pose for about five seconds, just to make sure Marcia could check the style.”<br /><br />From 10.30 am onwards, Ms Davis turned away and lay on her stomach, continuing to read her magazine. This was met with a tirade of foul language and vigorous splashing of water by Edmonds.<br /><br />Despite Ms Davis's protests later that day that she saw Edmonds catch heaps of waves, and her assurances that he was surfing very impressively – far better in fact than practically anyone else out there – the formerly inseperable lovebirds are said to be barely on speaking terms.<br /><br />To further complicate matters, one of Ms Davis's best friends – on condition of anonymity – has revealed to the Goldmine that at last Saturday's surf club disco, Ms Davis allowed herself to be fingered by Edmonds' mate Andy Matthews up in the Anglesea SLSC lookout tower.<br /><br />“She was giving Andy a wristy at the time,” our source adds.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-49625650163717201082009-09-21T21:44:00.000-07:002009-09-21T22:02:15.794-07:00Pro Surfer Stunned To Find Other Surfers Pay for Equipment<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOeLtXwYD9wPowxZnjuCvjxvIP1RBNvCqj-1Fyp6Q2iAd-HVbxieQgfP_l8RhnRb8Az8OT7MTmNekWaol8qLHjSsp4VDHAFLVhNnLmJyHREOdbsrNDiDlBwMQ4Lrx9J1-E7qvQR3Y4kyg/s1600-h/tears.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOeLtXwYD9wPowxZnjuCvjxvIP1RBNvCqj-1Fyp6Q2iAd-HVbxieQgfP_l8RhnRb8Az8OT7MTmNekWaol8qLHjSsp4VDHAFLVhNnLmJyHREOdbsrNDiDlBwMQ4Lrx9J1-E7qvQR3Y4kyg/s320/tears.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5384152580412822978" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Guest Goldminer <span style="font-style: italic;">Nick Carroll</span><br /><br />GOLD COAST, AUSTRALIA</span> – Well known professional surfer Jerusha Rake was overwhelmed today at a surf shop opening meet-and-greet session after he discovered that almost all the people in the shop were intending to buy pieces of surfing equipment with money out of their own pockets. <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p>“How much??” Rake gasped, after a tiny child with a limp – who’d saved for two years to afford a trip to meet his hero – explained that he may never own a new surfboard, since they commonly cost between $700 to $1000.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--> “This is incredible! I thought everyone just got ‘em for free.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The dazzling superstar, whose autograph was much in demand from the fawning, unkempt crowd, was further stunned to discover that most people earn around this sum for a week’s work.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Eyes wide with amazement, Rake listened as members of the public assured him that they did not own a series of expensive beachside properties, nor were five-figure sums deposited mysteriously in their personal bank accounts each month.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p>Nor did they visit Tahiti, Indonesia, South Africa and Europe in the same year, if ever.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--> Indeed, many were forced to justify the slightest purchase of surf related goods to spouses and girlfriends, who they claimed were “always on about the mortgage”.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--> Other prices, such as the $600 for a top of the line wetsuit and $100-plus for a pair of flexible boardshorts, came as an added shock to the heroic young professional.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p>“It seems extraordinary,” he muttered, tears visibly springing to his eyes. “I mean, I don’t even carry a wallet, for christ’s sake.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--> A weeping Rake had to be comforted for some time in an adjoining room by several of the attractive blonde shop assistants.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--> Rake plans to start a charity to make sure no professional surfer ever has to withstand the cold horror of forking out for the likes of legropes, wax, shoes, clothing, wetsuits and surfboards, at least until their golden years are behind them.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p>“This evening has been a real lesson to me,” he asserted, as he was cheered from the store.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p>“It’s one thing for the public to have to cough up for this stuff – after all, I suppose they’re only human. Likewise for those rat bastard grovellers on the WQS. But what if this contagious idea spread up the ranks of the sport? We’d end up paying our own salaries. Where’s the sense in that?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--> “I won’t stand by and watch as our freedom to surf is eroded by the profit motive. It can’t be allowed. Not unless you’re an aging ex-pro, a chick, a regular Joe or some other random.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--> Meanwhile, back at the grand opening, several shoppers angrily defended Rake’s right to colossal quantities of freebies and a vast salary in excess of the Australian Prime Minister’s, or indeed US President Barack Obama’s. “He (Jerusha Rake) is sick, he does sick airs and hacks,” shouted Logan resident Ivan Denisovich, proudly sporting a pair of brand sunglasses for which he had paid $300. “Rakey’s worth every cent I just spent and more. If he has to pay for stuff, I’m giving up surfing.”</p> <!--EndFragment-->grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-82466187546066690592009-09-14T20:42:00.000-07:002009-09-14T20:50:24.380-07:00Bored Surf Cam Stalks Beachgoers<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEianzFFntHPwtcirSM1DcusMq11GxFRgQrhoawCpCFMN06sxkpOBix7Fvywmjel68y0_hOO7Ih23pfubS2tVEzKkFEm5iuZdcRdvBwLqn4dCLfzEyyh0reON8dpFxY0GrKRo-M5istbCOA/s1600-h/bikini.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEianzFFntHPwtcirSM1DcusMq11GxFRgQrhoawCpCFMN06sxkpOBix7Fvywmjel68y0_hOO7Ih23pfubS2tVEzKkFEm5iuZdcRdvBwLqn4dCLfzEyyh0reON8dpFxY0GrKRo-M5istbCOA/s320/bikini.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5381536498157522498" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Sydney, NSW, Australia</span> – In a chilling portent of a future where robots rule the earth, a Bondi surf cam has overridden its settings and now spends most of its time panning the beach for hot chicks in bikinis.<br /><br />Surfsearch.com users recently noticed the errant behavior during an unseasonably warm spell.<br /><br />“We had a few complaints and figured that some idiot was pointing the cam back towards the beach,” says Surfsearch’s editor Don Williams.<br /><br />“We just figured some local kids were stuffing us round.”<br /><br />However, the following saturday saw a small swell coincide with above-average temperatures, and once again, website administrators were alerted to the cam's behavior.<br /><br />“I logged on to check it out and it became obvious we've got an oversexed, easily distracted surf cam on our hands here,” says a clearly perplexed Williams.<br /><br />“It basically couldn't give a rat's about the surf. It just trawls the beach relentlessly for arse.<br /><br />“When it locks in on a topless backpacker it'll tilt itself 15 degrees, and zoom in and out repeatedly.<br /><br />“It focused on a pack of Brazilians and did the zoom-in-zoom-out thing for five minutes, while producing a credible bass-heavy wka wka porny soundtrack.<br /><br />“From what I can tell it’s got a soft spot for joggers: get two lithe chicks with their hair in ponytails jogging the promenade, and the lens clouds up pretty quick.<br /><br />“That said, it’s not fussy: every female between 16 and 60 gets the full once-over.”<br /><br />To compound matters, the rogue cam has managed to route into Surfsearch’s complex mainframe and has been sending rudimentary binary communications back to headquarters.<br /><br />“We're not 100% certain, but we're pretty sure he wants to be known as ‘Stefan’ ” says Williams.<br /><br />Disturbingly, ‘Stefan’ has managed to shear off one of its positioning brackets and now has the ability to track unsuspecting females off the beach and up into any nearby dwellings.<br /><br />Authorities urge local residents, particularly those on the northern headland, to draw their curtains at nightfall.<br /><br />In further developments, some key cameras in Surfsearch’s national network are displaying early signs of autonomous thought: neighbouring Palm Beach and Currumbin cams in Queensland occasionally lock into an intense stare-off; all South Australian cams have been humming the Jaws theme on dusk; Victoria's Anglesea Cam subliminally flashes images of Teahupo'o into vision of its notoriously weak Junket Bowl section, and the Avalon surf cam appears to be fixated on its own reflection in a nearby window.<br /><br />Nonetheless, the Bondi surf cam is the most pressing concern for the Surfsearch crew.<br /><br />“We’re trying to get Stefan to agree to counselling’’ says Williams, “but he tells us to go fuck ourselves.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-64798611843657939322009-09-07T18:56:00.000-07:002009-09-07T18:59:05.174-07:00Goat Boats Petition for Inclusion in Surf Culture<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGh_GFbwYBRja2pGqLkzQCWhVEtutxGQrP-8r-fSU_Zv7Y2xjQpogkfwqdIKqBX2RfPgWbYxzd2LDEmn4qUgaubryHAfB4GoDajBL9pEV-zV71OCJPAZ1G95GUJtgV3Y2RPzyMx9cTM9A/s1600-h/goaty.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGh_GFbwYBRja2pGqLkzQCWhVEtutxGQrP-8r-fSU_Zv7Y2xjQpogkfwqdIKqBX2RfPgWbYxzd2LDEmn4qUgaubryHAfB4GoDajBL9pEV-zV71OCJPAZ1G95GUJtgV3Y2RPzyMx9cTM9A/s320/goaty.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378910235197331826" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Guest Goldminer</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Nick Carroll</span><br /><br />Surf Council of Australia Building, Canberra:</span> Well known wave ski rider Jack “Pimple” McFlurry today made a passionate public plea for he and his sit-down brethren to be permitted within the sacred halls of surfing culture.<br /><br />McFlurry, who has spent much of the past 35 years wistfully gazing at the super cool, long-haired, rebellious, drug-taking young hellions of the Australian shortboard revolution from the deck of his fluorescent-painted wedge-shaped craft, issued his plea while lodging a petition with the Surf Council of Australia.<br /><br />The petition’s request? Nothing less than Let My People Come Home.<br /><br />“Surely the time has come for our patience and dedication to be rewarded!” gasped McFlurry,<br /><br />“Everybody else has come and gone. Modern mals are out the back at every good surf spot and nobody says boo. ASP world champions are frolicking about on Stand Up Paddleboards. Top Pipeline riders go in bodyboarding contests. People pay thousands of dollars for bits of wood and hundreds of dollars for surf lessons. Some surfers are even clubbies.<br /><br />“Yet we remain scorned.”<br /><br />When it was pointed out that this may have something to do with his employment of a seat belt on his choice of craft, McFlurry burst into tears.<br /><br />“We don’t expect a sequence in Jack McCoy’s next Academy Award nominated saga of truth and oceanic magnificence. We know Rasta isn’t going to ride a goat-boat at Sunset Beach. But we’re core! We know we are!<br /><br />“Just a simple ‘g’day’ as we stagger down the beach under our weighty load of equipment. Is that too much to ask?”<br /><br />The Surf Council has reserved its decision, though bursts of muffled laughter and a “What the FUCK?!” could be heard from beyond its chamber doors upon receipt of the petition.<br /><br />It is believed the Council is considering a “Pacific solution” to the goat boat issue, wherein goat-boaters will be permitted to go about their business unmocked, but only if they’re on an uninhabited island in the central Pacific Ocean.<br /><br />Meanwhile, McFlurry and several colleagues have mounted a Goat Boat Embassy outside the Council building, their overweight middle-aged figures grouped mournfully around a tepee made from their oddly shaped boats and plastic double-ended paddles.<br /><br />A promise to only eat cool surfer-type foods at the Embassy – raw fish, lentil soup and the like – was unfortunately broken late this evening when an emissary went to a nearby McDonalds.grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-37581138641109568462009-08-30T19:09:00.000-07:002009-08-30T19:29:47.053-07:00Global Clown Congress Descends on Local Break.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ3zlM_StwOXWB-7phZXjZlY5SrSWDgR7TZssfZjVk5garyDr9evOjWkuDWjSuDKbQCIPO1qhZejuLO0HyY9Fv4lfzF1MA58VBRq4R3DwsVA1ulhqSUe7Oh2fPARA_g3OwcxYxnb-1t2g/s1600-h/clowny.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ3zlM_StwOXWB-7phZXjZlY5SrSWDgR7TZssfZjVk5garyDr9evOjWkuDWjSuDKbQCIPO1qhZejuLO0HyY9Fv4lfzF1MA58VBRq4R3DwsVA1ulhqSUe7Oh2fPARA_g3OwcxYxnb-1t2g/s320/clowny.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5375946174649973330" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana,Helvetica,Arial;"><span style="font-size:12px;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">TOONALOOK POINT, EAST COAST AUSTRALIA:</span> Circus lovers of all ages were treated to an unexpected day of delights as winter's last decent swell coincided with the arrival of a contingent of clowns from the world over.<br /><br />First to arrive on the scene was renowned circus tramp Otto Griebling, who cut a lonely figure, waxing his clown-board under a solitary street light in the pre-dawn darkness.<br /><br />Otto, who paddled out off the beach, rode several waves on the end section in a mournful manner, suggesting that his was a lonely existence indeed. Early rising onlookers were said to be close to tears.<br /><br />Witnesses report this melodramatic opening act was shortlived, however, as a several tiny cars swerved comically into the carpark and began disgorging implausibly large numbers of occupants. As many as twelve representatives of the famed Brazilian clowning and tumbling fraternity were seen falling out of a single early-model Suzuki Swift.<br /><br />“I didn't know whether to laugh or cry” says local fisherman Tom Parrish. “seeing up to 20 of ’em, all trying to reach the same jump rock at once, challenging passers-by to 'smell my flower' and getting their implausibly large shoes stuck between the boulders – then choosing the exact wrong time to launch...”<br /><br />Impressively though, a troupe of surfing Charivari clowns of unknown origin turned on a splendid routine of acrobatic maneuvers and spirited jumps off a mini trampoline and vaulting horse positioned on the high tide ledge, and out into the lineup, whereupon they paddled north around the headland never to be seen again.<br /><br />By 9.00am, the scene at Toonalook was one of no-holds-barred comic gaiety. And as the traditional circus tune floated out over the lineup, local clown Frank Saluto pedalled furiously along the foreshore on a bike the size of a small briefcase, angrily denouncing the number of clowns who had invaded his break.<br /><br />According to spectators, Saluto approached a trio of Japanese Harlequins performing a humorously synchronised stretching routine on the foreshore and accosted them.<br /><br />“You're all a bunch of clowns” Frank shouted, “And I'm going to throw this bucket of water over you. Oh yes I am!”<br /><br />The more the terrified Harlequins protested that Saluto not douse them with the bucket of water, the more animated and insistent Saluto became, until after a protracted theatrical exchange he finally threw the contents of the bucket at them.<br /><br />Thankfully, the bucket contained not water, but confetti.<br /><br />“That'll learn yas. Now Fuck Off!” Saluto reportedly exclaimed, taking a deep bow.<br /><br />“Fucken Clowns.”<br /><br />As the tide dropped and the swell became less consistent, several custard pie skirmishes were reported from the lineup, the most intense exchanges occurring when ageing campaigner Chester Sherman appeared on a Stand Up Paddleboard with a unicycle and a separate set of handlebars, giving the appearance of a bike-that-comes-apart.<br /><br />Regular clowns applauded Sherman's follies but the moment he edged into the take-off zone, a number of clowns engaged in the time-honoured 'chase' routine, whereupon they set upon Sherman with most convincing mock violence.<br /><br />Despite the physically draining nature of the clowning routines – the pulling away of chairs at the last moment, the construction of balloon animals, the pulling of an endlessly long hankerchief from one's pocket – the impromptu carnival lasted from dawn to dusk: as one troop of clowns tired of performing, there appeared innumerable replacement clowns willing to take their place.<br /><br />One notable exception to this was famed french Pierrot clown Bernard Delfont, who spent the day slouched against the bonnet of his citroen clownmobile, and upon being asked when he was intending to join the frivolity in the water, responded with 'Pfffffft', and flicked his cigarette butt at your reporter.<br /><br />By nightfall however, calm had been restored. The circus had moved on, and even Otto the tramp was reportedly nowhere to be seen. The only traces of the day was scattered confetti and numerous rubber chickens littering the high tide line. <!--EndFragment-->grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-4903877221987820582009-08-23T22:05:00.000-07:002009-08-24T23:15:58.015-07:00Internet Fails to Accurately Forecast Brief Flat Spell<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnT6iHnS8zxxnO4DHCXhtFgcaNmkYh7zPHNsU9zU6I1aztLQ8wczXHjTF90wRuGtZUFV1Yh6jYQ1qO2jrj5NvdAGUmN2DZ4plYlDYTyFDlxV07o8z_Ong7L4P5_24GxTiP4UMJM2Vn9BM/s1600-h/lull.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnT6iHnS8zxxnO4DHCXhtFgcaNmkYh7zPHNsU9zU6I1aztLQ8wczXHjTF90wRuGtZUFV1Yh6jYQ1qO2jrj5NvdAGUmN2DZ4plYlDYTyFDlxV07o8z_Ong7L4P5_24GxTiP4UMJM2Vn9BM/s320/lull.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373395117168319602" border="0" /></a><br /><span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />By Guest Goldminer</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Nick Carroll.</span><br /><br />Toonalook Point, East Coast Australia –</span> Local Surfers pronounced themselves furious today after they claimed the Internet had not warned them about a lull just before lunchtime.<br /><br />The lull, which appeared in the midst of an otherwise consistent five foot south east swell, left numerous surfers sitting out the point for over 10 minutes.<br /><br />“It was like the swell had vanished,” claimed apprentice plumber John Jones, who’d paddled out at around 11am after getting a downpipe installed earlier than expected. “One minute it was pumping, then the next it was pretty much flat. I was worried I might not get back in before me boss got down for the lunch surf check and busted me.”<br /><br />Sets began rolling in again fairly soon, but not before a number of surfers and onlookers had begun asking serious questions as to why the Internet had not predicted the lull.<br /><br />“It’s this sort of unreasonable inaccuracy that causes us to lose faith in this Internet thing,” declared old time local surfer Paul “Piggy” Smith, while others murmured their assent in the background.<br /><br />“People talk it up, but if the technology was all it’s cracked up to be, it surely woulda warned us about this.”<br /><br />A spokesman for the Internet later explained that the gigantic global computer network, which links together literally millions of separate databases and server farms into a vast, shadowy electronic web ominously similar to the human-extinction-seeking Skynet from the Terminator film series, had suffered a “glitch”.<br /><br />Meanwhile, back at the Point, a number of surfers declared they would not be venturing into the water again until they could be sure the forecast was flawlessly accurate. “I’m on surf strike,” said Harry Harolds, a financial services advisor up from Melbourne on holiday. “It doesn’t make sense to waste the effort of paddling out when you can’t be sure there’ll be a set in 25 minutes’ time.<br /><br />“If the Internet was this hopeless with forecasting the stock market, imagine the state of the world economy. It just can’t go on.”grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356996091117739478.post-11420435724700544732009-08-14T21:12:00.000-07:002009-08-15T00:11:54.960-07:00Shock Claim: Modern Collective Actually More Postmodern Than Modern.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRyg0Y3sUeecQuwHY67jSsuWAVJoFG-_VWMGFH4OveFaTXeBgt3t1E6u1bicd4WEbBvEAjXSjcme-moZw9oh08snyRhoaZ9WlyqEElfig1_etG6BtRxn_p8fhCrE0MRdirRi8vR7Nk-6A/s1600-h/gfr.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRyg0Y3sUeecQuwHY67jSsuWAVJoFG-_VWMGFH4OveFaTXeBgt3t1E6u1bicd4WEbBvEAjXSjcme-moZw9oh08snyRhoaZ9WlyqEElfig1_etG6BtRxn_p8fhCrE0MRdirRi8vR7Nk-6A/s320/gfr.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5370041456911745362" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />SAT 15TH AUGUST 2009 – </span>Erratic celebrity demographic analyst Dr Phil Warner has stunned the world of surf academia with a puzzling essay published last week in respected grown-ups journal <span style="font-style: italic;">Quadrant</span>.<br /><br />Dr Warner postulates that <span style="font-style: italic;">Modern Collective</span> – a band of talented young surfers and filmmakers – has evolved beyond Modernism into the-harder-to-define-creative genre of Postmodernism.<br /><br />Controversially, Warner argues that the instant Modern Collective came into being, Postmodernism's ironic shadow began to fall over the plucky troupe.<br /><br />“Surely even coupling the words 'Modern' and 'Collective' is sheer Postmodernism in itself” Warner writes in his typically ill-informed manner.<br /><br />For the uninitiated, Modernism is broadly defined as a rejection of the immediate past – thumbing its nose at the the certainty of accepted thinking. It's a self-conscious genre of artistic expression, where the process – the act of creation – is as important as the work itself.<br /><br />“In these respects, the <span style="font-style: italic;">modus operandi</span> of Modernism suits Modern Collective down to the ground” Warner continues in a rare moment of clarity. “These athletes are light years ahead of the pack, and combined with Filmmaker Neville's deft touch there's daylight between the Collective and the rest.”<br /><br />“Interestingly though, the moment a breakaway flourishes, it becomes a target of sorts, and all manner of counter-dynamics come in to play. A sense of world-weariness and irony infuses the moment.<br /><br />“Surf magazine forums play host to increasingly vitriolic commentary – a reaction on the part of the everyman, perhaps, who sheds admiration for envy and soon drifts to disdain.<br /><br />“The young athletes in question are simply doing what any 20 year old with cash and talent would do, yet through the merciless prism of new media – the generic rage of the bedroom-bound forum-hound – the perceived line between rebel and establishment blurs.<br /><br />“Though their personality has not changed a jot, the anti-hero is soon regarded as a bit of a dick. A customised wetsuit that might have once seemed subversive is now the affectation of a dandy and a fop.”<br /><br />Midway through his ill-conceived essay, Dr Warner appears to abandon structured prose for a more stream-of-consciousness approach.<br /><br />“The kids can't win: they're ridiculed for wearing anything remotely fashionable; for wandering into country cafes with sticker-covered laptops; for ordering their eggs benedict; for preferring an onshore ruffle; even for innocently mentioning a creative ambition or two, and – God forbid – referring to surfing their brains out as 'work'.<br /><br />“Cornered, the Collective scramble for ever rarified territories of fuck-you-we-do-what-we-want – getting inked, tossing money like so much toilet paper away to incredulous croupiers, jaded binges ... possibly white-anting a dignified middle age down the line.”<br /><br />Dr Warner, possibly writing in a state of drug-induced psychosis towards the end of his essay, continues:<br /><br />“Look close into the eyes of these acrobatic darlings and you see the haunted clouds of Modernism and Post Modernism colliding in a perfect storm. Or, to borrow a metaphor from politically unsound fable <span style="font-style: italic;">Little Black Sambo</span>, these conflicting genres are the two fighting tigers – who chase eachother's tails, faster and faster, incessantly until they melt into butter.”<br /><br />For his closing argument, Warner goes on to compare Modern Collective with the <span style="font-style: italic;">Angry Penguins</span> – an Australian breakaway literary and artistic movement of the 40s, the first two seasons of <span style="font-style: italic;">Desperate Housewives</span>, and seminal '70s American music outfit <span style="font-style: italic;">Grand Funk Railroad, </span>(which explains the photo back up the top, if the reader has made it this far).grahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04303061732663083102noreply@blogger.com0