Slater, Parko and Reynolds Threaten Legal Action Against Teen Surfer.

SUNDAY, JUNE 14 – Three of the world's most popular surfers today put aside their rivalries and issued a joint statement demanding 14-year-old Mandurah surfer Danny Kincaid removes them from the list of 'surf heroes and influences' on his myspace page.

“Normally I'd be cool with props from a kid like Danny,” says nine-time World Champion Kelly Slater.

“Being hero and role model for the kids comes with the territory, but you've got to draw the line.

“I was tooling around online, googling my name – oh, admit it, we all do from time to time – and clicked through to Danny's myspace site.

“I was horrified to see a clip he'd made interspersing footage of himself surfing Mandurah Main Beach, with clips of myself, Joel and Dane.

“Not only that, his online bio cites the three of us as the guys he models his surfing on.

”The kid's surfing's not even remotely connected to our virtuosity. It's a scene I don't wanna be part of.”

Slater contacted Coolangatta's Joel Parkinson immediately and alerted him to the youngster's unacceptable alliance.

“My first reaction after checkin' the Danny's site out was 'hang on let's not get carried away here' ” says the typically unflappable Joel Parkinson.

“Sure the kid had awful style and technique, and I could barely see where the influence of any of us could be spotted, but I was heading out west that week anyway, doin' a surf shop / surf-with-the-groms promo in Mandurah, so thought I'd check the kid out first hand before taking any action.

“All I can say is that he actually surfs less like us in real life than online, which I didn't think was possible.

“Nothin' against Danny, he seems like a real nice kid, and I'm happy to be a hero for the guy, but having seen him surf first hand, I categorically deny influencing him in any way, shape or form.”

Parkinson emailed Slater and immediately they arranged a phone conference with Californian sensation Dane Reynolds.

“I wasn't down with the guys,” says Reynolds “Even after seeing the footage and hearing Parko's first-hand description, I thought well, who are we to judge? I mean maybe we've just influenced the kid in a different kind of way, you know – amping him up on the beauty of surfing and that.”

“But the guys made me watch the Kincaid clip again and again, and I see their point – there's absolutely nothing in this kid's surfing that can be stylistically or technically linked back to any one of us.

“So we're asking young Danny – nicely for now – please come clean and acknowledge that our surfing has nothing to do with yours.

“On behalf of Kelly, Joel and myself, remove us as your cited surfers of influence immediately. We don't want to have to call in the lawyers, but if we have to we will.”

This is not the first time young Kincaid has made headlines, (see http://asl-insidethegoldmine.blogspot.com/2009/04/jury-of-peers-unconvinced-teen-surfer.html), and quite possibly not the last.

World's Women Surfers Not As Good As Me, Says Local Man

BY GUEST GOLDMINER, NICK CARROLL

LAZY BAY, MID-NORTH COAST NSW: A local surfer has struck back at a recent American surfing magazine cover line, saying he believes he is superior to every female surfer on the planet.

John McGarrity, 38, spent most of late yesterday at a nearby pub deriding the cover of Surfer magazine, the supposed "Bible of the sport", whose latest edition carried the slogan: "Carissa Moore Surfs Better Than You".

"The day some chick surfs better than me is the day I'm giving up surfin'," pronounced Mr McGarrity. "Chicks can't surf! It's a (expletive deleted) joke."

According to Mr McGarrity, photos of women successfully riding waves are merely a product of surf companies eager to promote their female fashion ranges, and are almost entirely faked. What was more, the whole idea was unnatural.

"I grew up surfin' with blokes and that's the way nature intended it to be," he continued. "It's the only place you can get away from the womenfolk."

Indeed, Mr McGarrity said, he had only recently read an article in a well-known scientific publication stating that when women came into contact with surfboards in a saltwater environment, they became upset and ill and had to be escorted off the beach. "Thus, it's (expletive deleted) irresponsible encouraging 'em to try taking part in this essentially masculine pastime," he stated. "They're never gunna enjoy 'emselves anyway. That's all I'm sayin'. Along with the fact that I'm superior to every woman on earth in every area of achievement."

When shown a video sequence of current world champion Stephanie Gilmore in action, Mr McGarrity scoffed. "That's a bloke with a wig on and a particularly slender waist."

Colleagues of Mr McGarrity nodded their heads in seeming agreement, though several later expressed doubts about his abilities. "Johnny's not that good himself, let's face it," said one. "If it was Lukie (Lazy Bay club champion Luke Harrington) up against the cream of the ASP's current top 17 female seeded surfers, well yeah, I reckon he'd clean 'em all up every time.

"But Johnny? Mate he has his days but he has his off days too, if ya know what I mean."

Another colleague chortlingly held up a newspaper with a large photo of Layne Beachley on her recently famous Sydney reef wave, and asked: "Caught any of these lately Johnny?"

Mr McGarrity became increasingly agitated at these comments, eventually storming out of the bar after a local barmaid offered to arm-wrestle him for a bet.

Waterman Spontaneously Combusts on Beach.

WED 3RD JUNE 2009, East Coast Aus – The tight-knit Toonalook Point surf community is coming to terms with the explosive demise of well-regarded local waterman Adrian Stevenson last weekend.

According to initial police reports, Stevenson, 36 – and in tip top condition – checked the surf from the Toona backbeach lookout before sunrise, and appeared excited and upbeat to fellow early risers.

“Stevo was amping on the new swell like he always does,” recounts fellow Toona local John Wade, also checking the surf that morning, “in the space of five minutes he must have mentioned a dozen different types of craft that could potentially suit the conditions the best.”

Mr Stevenson then returned home to consult the internet, allegedly to confirm that no swells-of-lifetimes were unloading anywhere within a 1000 km radius, and to work through an abbreviated version of the lairdpower™ pilates routine.

“Stevo found the pilates essential for his watermanly lifestyle,” good friend and training partner Linus Canning told reporters “helpful for the physicality of whatever the ocean had to throw at him, sure, but absolutely necessary for lugging and loading various surfcraft around the place. You should try getting a 30 foot Red Cedar SUP Ocean Racer on the roof of the landcruiser on your own sometime.”

Indeed, between 8.30 and 10.00am, neighbours report hearing an increasingly agitated Mr Stevenson loading his 4WD, trailer, and jetski trailer with an astonishing collection of surfcraft.

“At first I thought he was having a garage sale, or going camping or something” says longtime Toonalook resident and stickybeak Maud Adams, “and I said as much across the fence ... he just muttered something about living in the moment and I wouldn't understand what drives him.

“He said no-one really knows him but the ocean, he mentioned something about intrinsic connections, and Atlantis I think, but I'd already gone back inside by then and the tele was on so I can't say for sure.”

Mr Stevenson and his convoy of trailers returned to the Toona backbeach carpark by 10.30am, and witnesses say he spent the next hour unloading his flotilla of craft on to the beach.

“I asked him if he wanted a hand with the jetski trailer” recalls local grommet Shannan West “'cos the bullock harness he was wearing to haul it through the dunes looked pretty uncomfortable and he seemed a bit flustered... he said he was alright and that it was good resistance training.”

Though there are no suspicions of foul play, police are investigating the events that followed.

“We've accessed the Coastalwatch Surf Cam archives to study the sequence of events that led to Mr Stevenson blowing up” Senior Detective Constable Mal Padgett told reporters, “and though the surf cam footage is low resolution, we can ascertain that he brought his craft out on to the beach in the following order:

“Ocean-going SUP; traditional malibu; 16 foot paddleboard; one-man outrigger; flippers; jetski; 18 foot paddleboard; twin-fin fish; quad fin bat-tail; 18-foot clubbie ski; vintage lifesaving belt and reel; vintage hollow 'toothpick' craft; reconditioned Michael Peterson single fin dagger tail; authentic Paipo lie-down surf craft; high-performance 12 foot SUP; Peruvian fishing craft (traditional reed construction); heavily concaved finless surfboard; Campbell Brothers Bonzer; autographed George Greenough surf mat; various craft made from balsa, carbon fibre, aluminium and recycled plastic bottles; boulder for underwater running; authentic Morning of the Earth-era single fin hot dogger; McCoy Keel-Fin Lazor Zap; high-performance windsurfer; kite-board; hand-board and axe.

“We were puzzled by the axe until Mr Stevenson marched up the beach to the foreshore and carved himself out a nice Alaia out of a banksia tree.

“Mr Stevenson then donned a rubberised mer-man tail, and embroidered himself a loincloth out of the sanddune grass.”

Beachgoers allege that through the afternoon, Mr Stevenson remained on the beach, balancing on his merman tail, wondering aloud which surfcraft to finally decide on before taking to the water.

At dusk, John Wade, who'd met Stevenson at their early morning surf check, came out of the water and the pair exchanged the pleasantries that would prove to be fatal.

“He asked me how it was and what he should ride” recalls a still clearly shaken Wade. “ I just said it was unreal. I'd had three surfs through the day and thought it was perfect for a standard shortboard"

“He looked right through me and said softly 'oh, I don't think I have one of those...'

“And that's when it happened, his head just exploded clean off his body and shot into the sky. A few quivering flips of his merman tail and it was all over. Gone.

“Unbelievable. It'll take a day to get all his junk off the beach.”

Newcomer Laughs Too Loudly at Local’s Joke.

SUNDAY 24th MAY – Semi-regular visitor Steve Gardiner's campaign to quietly ingratiate himself into the mid-level social structure of the iconic Toonalook Point break suffered a setback last Sunday morning when he laughed too readily and eagerly at longtime local Alec Turner's quip about getting caught inside.

“I've seen that Steve bloke surfing round here a bit lately, seemed like an alright enough fella,” said Mr Turner, “so as we were paddling out after a bit of a set, I just said 'If I had a dollar for every time I've been caught inside here, I'd be a rich man'.

“It was meant to be the kind of observation you'd chuckle and roll your eyes at, but you'd have thought I'd just told the funniest joke in the world, the way he cracked up, laughing loudly and demonstratively slapping the water in agreement.”

“What a dick.”

Steve Gardiner spent the rest of the day at home on the couch hugging an oversized pillow, eating tim tams and remorsefully complaining to his wife. “Oh man, one chance and I've blown it. I just lost it. I knew I was overdoing it but I just couldn't stop.”

Experts agree that few indiscretions set a newcomer's campaign for acceptance back further than over-eagerness to laugh at a local's joke.

“It's a tragic mistake to make” says North Coast psychologist Dr Warren “Waz” Randall, “because it inevitably occurs right at the tipping point of acceptance – the newcomer is as good as gold, he's put in the hours, surfed the spot in all conditions, deferred to the local's right to the pick of the sets, and right at the very moment, after years of effort, when the local extends the offer of inclusion, the newcomer blows it by laughing inappropriately loudly at an only mildly humorous comment.

“Immediately, whatever esteem the newcomer has earned will evaporate into thin air.

“The newcomer has revealed his or her self to be a weak-willed, over-eager sycophantic arse kisser of the worst degree.

“In other words, exactly the type of surfer you don't want contaminating your boardrider's clubroom or representing your core local values when it's eight feet and draining off the ledge.”

When learning the particulars of the incident, Dr Randall sighed “Sheesh, Toona Point, that's a tough crowd. I'd say it's another 18 months before Mr Gardiner can expect to get any decent sets.

“I'd say best thing Mr Gardiner can do out there is keep himself to himself.

“No-one likes a kiss-arse.”

Man Fails To Convince Girlfriend of Value Of Surfing

posted by guest goldminer NICK CARROLL

MONA VALE, SYDNEY – A local man was not permitted to surf last Sunday afternoon, despite excellent conditions, after he was unable to convince his long term girlfriend of the sport's overall value.

Instead Joe Hatfield, 32, spent most of the day in a large shopping mall with Sherry, 29, planning the purchase of several major pieces of furniture and other household goods, which she forcefully claimed were part of "planning our future together".

During a brief coffee break at around 2.30pm, a distressed Mr Hatfield explained that he had spent much of the morning in conversation with Sherry, "trying to reason with her about how vital surfing is - not just to my own emotional well-being, but to the nation as a whole".

"Studies have shown that in years of economic recession, surfing has been the rock upon which thousands of unemployed Australians have been able to lean," expounded Mr Hatfield.

"Not only that, Tourism Australia surveys show that surfing and other beach and surf based recreational activities are worth over $1.4 billion to the national tourism economy.

"I just reckon I should do my bit. If I, and people like me, don't surf on a regular basis, the whole thing could crumble overnight."

But his arguments were dismissed by Sherry, who said Mr Hatfield "just wanted to rack off and have a day off with his mates, leaving me to do the work in this relationship, as always".

She went on to say, staring hard at Mr Hatfield: "It's about time he grew up and realised that I'm not just here for his nookie when he wants it. We've just moved into a new place and we need to take care of things like furniture, bed linen, cutlery sets, curtains, light fittings, you name it.”

“We can't do it all in a weekend either - this will take months."

Sherry further stated that "even if his broad vision of the nation's surfing-based economic and cultural health had an ounce of credence - and I'm not saying it does - it'll just have to wait till we've picked out a nice colour matched bath sheet set."

Mr Hatfield uttered a muffled moan when his mobile telephone began to beep, apparently signalling the arrival of photos of the surf conditions relayed to him by colleagues. "It's six foot and perfect! Shez, can't we come back during the week?"

Instead Mr Hatfield remained at the mall until after closing time, signing several long-term hire purchase agreements.

Friends were torn over the arguments presented by the couple. Several of Mr Hatfield's colleagues offering him some relatively timid backup, muttering "whipped" and "he has to surf - it's essential for returning the budget to surplus at some point - can't she see that?" under their breaths.

But their own partners, who frequently attend coffee mornings with Sherry, were strident in their denigration. "Typical male behaviour, thinking up reasons why they should be allowed to do what they want… I don't know how she's put up with it so long."

Mr Hatfield, meanwhile, remains determined to surf at some point in the near future, despite the couple's ongoing need to find a small table that will go just perfectly under the interior kitchen serve-way. "It's my patriotic duty," he declared bravely.

Local Man Stranded On Jump Rock

CENTRAL COAST POINTBREAK – Sunday morning. Semi- local surfer Craig Black's jump rock miscalculation has resulted in a four-hour stranding waiting for the tide to go out then come back in.

Black, 50, made his way to the headland of the popular pointbreak at approximately 6.20am without incident, but became disoriented as he picked his way out to the cluster of jump rocks.

“A surge came through as I was walking out ” recalls Black “I was certain my mid-high-tide rock would be the best one to go off, but when I actually got there it was like someone pulled the plug – the tide was way lower than I thought and rocks were popping up everywhere.

“There was no way I was gonna jump and risk the FCS setup on my 6' 8" quad funboard.”

Mr Black believes a number of factors contributed to his decision to remain on his ill-chosen rock.

“Naturally, I considered retracing my steps back to the headland before going out to the low-tide jump spot, but every time I was about to turn tail, a surge'd come through and I'd think 'gonna jump this time', but each surge would be a little shallower with the dropping tide.”

Compounding the problem was the number of local surfers – some of whom acquaintances of Mr Black – heading out for their morning surf.

“This might sound a little foolish, but I didn't want to let the guys see me turning around and walking back to shore with my tail between my legs – it'd be like waving a big red flag in the air saying 'Look at me, I'm a kook! I don't even know what rock to jump off' – so I stayed put, and did my best to look like I was happy to be there.”

“Looking back, maybe I should have sucked it up and bailed, but the longer I stayed the harder it was to leave.”

Mr Black suggests that his jump rock stranding became a spiritual odyssey of sorts.

“After a couple of hours it wasn't about getting off that rock and into the lineup any more, it was more about seeing if I could go the distance. If I could exist quietly with myself. What started out as an innocent surf became a test of character. An inner journey, if you will.”

Coastalwatch surf cam archives provide a more blunt document of Mr Black's ordeal.

Between 6.35am and 7.15am, Mr Black remains in his quasi ready-to-jump-on-the-next-big-surge position, while performing stretches of the neck and torso whenever other surfers walked past on the headland.

From 7.15am through to the .26 metre low tide at 8.22am, Mr Black appears to spend most times on his haunches, often with his head in his hands, and at times rocking back and forth.

Though pixelated surf cam footage only allows impressions rather than details, Mr Black appears to weep on several occasions – an allegation he denies vigorously.

Mr Black is prepared, however, to concede that the suggestion – that he kicked and flailed at a Black Cormorant who attempted to share the rock platform on several occasions – has merit.

“You have to understand, you spend a couple of hours on a rock the size of an esky and you start to get a bit territorial. There were heaps of other rocks around for that Cormorant to dry his wings on, so, y'know, stuff 'im.”

The last hour and a half proved to be the most testing for the father of three.

“You don't know what 'slow' means until you're waiting for the tide to fill back up. Honestly.”

By 10.15am, the tide had risen back to the same level as when Mr Black first set foot on his rock.

Mr Black celebrated by urinating in his wetsuit. A treat he had been saving up to mark the occasion.

“It's hard to explain how good it felt. Not just the hot wee on my leg, but the fact that I was in the box seat now. Sure, it was still too shallow, but with every surge I was closer to jumping. I haven't felt that excited about going for a surf in a long time.

“Which is just as well, cos the onshore had come up by 9.00 and it was complete shit.”

Coastalwatch surf cam archives show Mr Black finally exiting the jump rock at 10.22, after being perched for almost four-and-a-half hours.

Mr Black – who had originally planned to surf for only an hour before nine holes for golf then hosting a barbecue lunch with family and friends – waited a further 15 minutes in the lineup before catching a wave, and was dropped in on immediately.

“Pleasing drop” in Attendance Figures at Local Surf Museum.

TOONALOOK POINT, East Coast Aus – As The Toona Surf Museum celebrates its first year of operations, recently-released figures show visitors are staying away in droves, and the proprietors are delighted.

“A lot of blood, sweat and tears has gone into this museum” says resident curator Brent “Snowy” Snow.

“It took years of lobbying for a grant from the government to kick off the TSM – and you wouldn't believe the bureaucratic hoops we had to jump through to get zoning permission” he chuckled.

“Then there was the process of sourcing the material – classic boards, memorabilia, archival footage for the multimedia displays – all the stuff that's made Toonalook Point one of the jewels in the crown of Australia's surfing heritage.”

“All the local crew – from solicitors to plumbers and plasterers – have donated their time free of charge to make this museum what it is.

“The Toona boardriders have even held a few fundraising cake stalls down the point. Seeing big Jezza in an apron selling Lamingtons, now that's commitment!

“This Museum shows what a close-knit community can achieve when it puts its mind to a shared purpose.”

At this point, Mr Snow took a step forward and jabbed his forefinger into your reporter's chest.

“Given how proud we are of our little museum, why the FUCK would we want to share it with any blow ins?”

Despite this hostility, Mr Snow was prepared to share the details of the report, and after some push-and-shove, conceded there was still work to do to reduce visitor numbers even further.

“What we've found is, Christmas and Easter holidays are easily the worst times for visitors. Swarms of people from up and down the coast, wanting to come in and gawp at the exhibits like they own the place.

“School holidays aren't much better, though if the kids come in on their own we find it easier to intimidate 'em into leaving pretty much straight after they've paid their admission fee.

“Next year we plan on rotating Waz, Daz, Gaz and Baz in shifts through peak visitor periods.

“By having, say, Waz and Gaz set up in the foyer, talking unnecessarily loudly about how fucked all the blow ins are, we believe we can turn more than half potential visitors away immediately.

“And to deter the more persistent museum-goer, we're installing a new audio component to our five most popular exhibits – sensors detect an onlooker and plays a pre-recorded message along the lines of 'What the fuck do you think you're looking at mate.' etcetera

“With these new strategies in place, we reckon we'll only have to resort to more forceful measures – keying cars, slashing tyres, punching on like girls – once or twice a week, in even the busiest periods.

“I'm confident that by this time next year, if we stick to our plan, the Toona Surf Museum will be completely visitor-free and only patronised by the guys responsible for the exhibits in the first place.

“Now fuck off.”