Aloha Shortage “Critical”

By Guest Goldminer Rick Bannister
– reporting from the near future –

HONOLULU — Aloha shortages have hit much of Hawaii, particularly the island of Oahu, at the height of the winter surf season.

Several islands in the Hawaiian group, including Kauai, Maui and Molokai, have imposed restrictions to maintain reserves until locals carrying more of the sacred energy arrive from the Big Island of Hawai’i. On the island of Oahu, locals and tourists have reported no aloha anywhere for the last five days.

"We had warned central government that this would happen months ago and now we are struggling to meet demand," said the concierge at the Lae Nani Outrigger, Kam Faaola.

The problem has been exacerbated by increased consumption of aloha during a record run of west swells on the North Shore. Not only the Hawaiian word for hello and goodbye, the deeper meaning of aloha is the joyful sharing of life energy. It seems the increasing number of surfers from around the world, particularly the aggressive nature of the Brazilians, has caused nearly all of the aloha in local reservoirs to evaporate.

Oahu has experienced aloha shortages before, but the trouble this year is unprecedented. The government reacted this week by declaring a state of emergency to ensure that locals did not run completely dry and be unable to welcome any visitors, regardless of whether they were surfers or not, during a year in which a record four and a half million tourists were expected.

Well-known local pro Chase Harrison would not say what measures the authorities should take. But he said that "aloha shortages are a major problem, because they have an immediate impact on tourists, especially haoles who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing in the line-up at Sunset. Bra, I want to show everyone aloha, but as a local surfer there’s only so much joyful sharing of life energy I can manage."

Dwindling aloha supplies have provoked other problems. The state has warned that locals are producing just half the number of shakas they were last year. The shocking drop in the signature hand gesture of Hawaii also suggesting that the local population’s ability to “hang loose” might also be flagging.

Disgruntled Surfer Claims “Time Didn't Stand Still.” Launches Class Action.

By Guest Goldminer Tim Baker

SOUTHPORT, QLD – An angry Gold Coast surfer has launched a massive lawsuit against Shaun Tomson, Gerry Lopez and large sections of the surf industry and media, claiming that tube riding is a hoax.

Garry Peabottom, of Varsity Lakes, claims he has spent thousands of dollars and most of his adolescent and adult life trying to get tubed, because he believed “the systematic, deliberate, and misleading brainwashing of the entire surf culture, that the tube riding experience would give meaning to my life.”

“Time doesn’t slow down at all,” he told a busy media scrum, outside the Southport Magistrates Court. “If anything, it’s speeded up. I was in, then I was out again. Nothing happened. I’m the same person I always was, damn it.”

In his action, Peabottom claims he had accepted the “contrived surf media lies that tube riding would be a somehow transcendental, transformative experience.”

“They’re all in on it - the pros, the companies, the mags, the video makers, selling us a pack of lies,” he claimed.

The truth, he reckoned, was that his first brief tube, during a boat trip to the Mentawais with a gang of mates, had been “maybe mildly more exciting than having a tug, and nowhere near as good as a root.”

Mounting his own case, Peabottom called several supporting witnesses to the stand.

Frank “Franger” Mitcham, a plumber from Labrador, told the court Peabottom had been obsessed with getting tubed as long as he’d known him. “He’s not that crash hot a surfer to be honest. I’ve never seen a bloke get guillotined by the lip so regularly. He had a nack for it, would just stick his head in the things as if he wanted to get it taken off. He was hilarious.”

Peabottom, a large-bodied, ungainly goofyfooter, said they had scored “sick Maccas for three days, with only me mates, a few Brazzers and a bunch of pros in the water,” he told the court.

“As soon as I saw that wave, I just went, this is the place - this is where I’m going to get my first barrel,” Peabottom testified. “For the first coupla days I just got dropped in on, blew take offs or would get into an unsteady tube squat, get sucked up the face and sail over the falls with the lip.”

Several scars on Peabottom’s forehead and elbows, he claimed, were the result of repeated scrapes with what he called “the razor sharp reef lurking just below the surface.”

“Finally, on day three, I started to get the hang of it. Oh, I still blew a lot of them, but I caught a few lazy shoulders and then worked my way up the food chain until I was in the spot when a set came.”

He described the wave as “easy double over head” and claimed he was “fully shitting meself,” as the first wave of the set approached, but managed to catch the thing and gain a clean entry.

“I just stood there and the lip threw out and over me and I managed not to fall off,” Peabottom related. “Oh, it was nice enough and the view was pretty amazing for a few moments there, but I guess it had been built up so much in my mind by all those years of brain washing that it was a bit of an anti-climax, really.”

The defence case rests on the question of whether the plaintiff was actually in the tube. Star witness “Franger” Mitcham vehemently corroborated Peabottom’s story.

“Oh, he was in there alright. None of us could bloody believe it. We were all hooting our heads off and got right on it that night, drank the boat dry and demolished the duty free in celebration of Gazzer’s barrel,” he claimed. “I thought he seemed a bit subued though, not his usual self.”

Peabottom’s suit demands substantial damages from several major surfwear labels as well as the publishers of the Surfer’s Naval magazine, known for its flowery prose on the wonders of tube-riding, a number of distinguished surf identities known to have described the tube in extravagant terms, as well as respected surf writer, Barney O’Flannery. “He’s the worst of the lot,” Peabottom told the press. “You should see the garbage he writes - active meditation, stilling the conscious mind, creating a state of Flow. What a bunch of bullshit,” Peabottom spat.

He is seeking financial compensation for the money he has spent on boards, petrol, airfares, surf camp tariffs, even magazines and movies, over a 15 year period. He is also inviting other surfers who feel they have been similarly misled to overcome their shame and come forward to tell their stories.

“It’s a hoax and I’ve been had, we’re all being had. I’ll stay home at my local beachbreak and practice my airs from now on. They are way more rad and that Dane Reynolds dude, he ain’t trying to sell shit. The one consolation out of all this is I have finally found a surf star I can trust.”

Humpback Whale to Take On Major Surf Industry Position

By Guest Goldminer Nick Carroll
(with added stupid bits by GM)

SYDNEY NSW – At its annual shareholders’ meeting yesterday, well-known surf corporation MegaSurf named “Sally”, a fully grown humpback whale, as its next Vice President of Marketing.

“We’re stealing a march on Billabong,” declared MegaSurf founder Wayne Cribbage. “They’ve merely got Dave Rastovich hanging around the humpbacks. We’ve gone one step further and hired one.”

The massive whale, who measures over 14 metres from beak to fluke and spends much of her time migrating between the Southern Ocean and the species’ South Pacific breeding grounds, has no previous industry experience.

Cribbage refused to be drawn on the question of affirmative action, pointing out that most people in the surf industry have never had another job either.

“Whales just seem to be these very appealing creatures who live in the sea all year round and are in touch with the great environmental mysteries…and the environment is very important to our customers.

“Plus they’re really huge, but non-violent. And girls love them! So it’s cross-marketing.

“It just makes sense.”

“Sally”, who speaks in a series of indecipherable clicks, squeals and humming sounds which are only audible underwater, will convey her orders to her human underlings through a complex tail splashing method known as “fluke morse code”.

“She’s already told us to hire Rasta and to get involved in a global push to protect the giant Southern Ocean krill and plankton fields,” an enthusiastic Cribbage told the shareholders.

MegaSurf insiders speculate that the plumb role of Contest Director at the MegaSurf Pro Fiji will also fall squarely into Sally's barnacle-encrusted lap – a suggestion Cribbage makes no attempt to deny.

“It's early days yet but we envision Sally playing a key role in the contest's webcast at the very least.

“With our understanding of the intelligence of these creatures growing by the year – not to mention their resurgent numbers – whales themselves are potential consumers of fine MegaSurf apparel and surf goods”

“To that end, Sally will click, squeal and sing her commentary, heat by heat, from an underwater booth at the MegaSurf Pro Fiji. We hope the glorious combat of Pro Surfing will capture the imagination of Ceteceans young and old.”

It's understood Sally has agreed not to give personal 'shout outs' during the sonar-cast.

“Abuse a commentator's privileges to transmit messages to family and friends? Even I know that's completely unprofessional,” she is understood to have tapped out in her crude morse code.

Little is known yet of Sally’s views on MegaSurf's other marketing investments, but no professional surfers have been laid off or replaced.

Top MegaSurf pro Himbo Jackson – currently ranked third in the world – says he’s happy with the appointment. “Normally having a chick in charge of my salary would be a cause for concern,” Jackson said. “But since she weighs around 40 tonnes, swims faster than most small fishing vessels and can dive to colossal depths below the ocean surface, I’ll let it go for now.”

According to Cribbage, MegaSurf had “nothing to lose and everything to gain” by employing the world’s first non-human surf industry executive. “Sally is showing every sign of being a positive inclusion in our management team, going forward.

“And after all, if things don’t work out, we can always sell her to the Japanese. They love whales.”

Billabong Executives Conspiring to Wax Mick Fanning's Board with Soap.

Billabong HQ, Australia – Joel Parkinson's 2009 World Title lead is to be protected 'by any means possible', a leaked internal email revealed today.

The explosive document implicates a number of individuals in Billabong's marketing team as holding secretive 'Think Tank' sessions in order to guarantee early season runaway leader Joel Parkinson stays ahead of the ASP pack come December.

“We've already printed five thousand PARKO9 commemorative tees and caps, and designs are finalised on the Numero Uno Mega Stretch Titanium Eco Champ boardies” the document states, “so unless we wanna dump this all shit into landfill ... well, thinking caps on, gentlemen.”

The email continues: “Our attempt to steal Mick's quiver in France was a mixed success. On the positive side the burglary was executed with stealth and brilliance - all nine boards were removed from the house without the occupants stirring. On the down side our contracted thief broke into the wrong apartment and took CJ Hobgood's boards instead. We put this glitch down to the fricken language barrier.”

In a conspiracy that seemingly reaches all the way to the top of the surfwear giant's sprawling executive branch, a wide and devious range of submissions are tabled in a powerpoint attachment, including:

• KIDNAP either Mick's beloved dog Taylor, or recently-sighted alter-ego Eugene, with a series of early third round exits as ransom.

• SWEAR to Mick and his entourage that Rip Curl's mobile search event has been moved from Portugal to Siberia, “Honestly”.

• HACK into Mick's twitter account and post several tweets suggesting that The Wolfpak are a bunch of effeminate shoulder-hopping homos, and that Mick could take any number of 'em down in a fistfight on any beach in the world. This could come in handy if the title race stays open until Pipe.

• WHOOPS! If Mick wins Mundaka, arrange for the traditional throw off the harbour wall to be miscued. “It's entirely possible that a mistimed throw could send the champion back on to the cobblestones on the other side of the wall” reads the rationale.

• CONTRACT a delusional evil genius to rig up a gigantic doomsday electro magnet of sorts – perhaps secreted in the iconic church overlooking Mundaka – and aim it at the metal hook in Mick's hip bone as he takes off. “It worked in an old episode of Batman” the submission reads, “so perhaps it could be applied in this case of corporate-sport-sabotage.”

• APPEAL to Mick's sense of mateship and egalatarian sense of fair play, using emotive language such as “Garn maaaaaaate, you've already got a bloody title, thought you two were mates, maaaate...” etc

The leaked corporate email dismisses all the above suggestions as “spirited but ultimately stupid.”

The document states bluntly: “We will be proceeding with 'Operation Greased Lightning' ” and provides details on the strategy to wax Fanning's boards with soap.

“A cache of Palmolive Gold soap has been bought at IGA supermarket in West Burleigh. It was purchased with petty cash so it cannot be linked back to the company's financial records. We hope to have it smuggled into Spain within 48 hours.

“It would be too suspicious if Parko himself was to waltz up and say 'Heeeey Mick, ol' buddy ol' mate ol' arch rival, let me wax your shooter with this oddly aromatic wax', so we're looking to co-opt the third member of the 'cooly kids' as an agent of sorts.

“Yes, while Mick's going through his pre-heat stretch/dance routine, none other than Dean Morrison will use his honorary status as the third 'kid' to access the inner sanctum of the comp area and apply the dastardly top coat of slippery gold that will clear the way to glory for Parko.

“Fortunately, Mick wears headphones in his pre-heat warm up, so he won't be able to hear Dean's devious and evil laughter.

“This will be the single most destructive Dingo act since Azaria Chamberlain, but without the blood – unless of course Mick slips and pierces his own scrotum with a fin, or the tip of his DHD 6'1”.”

“Mmmmmmwwwwaaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaahhhh” the document concluded.

Web Reporter Hospitalised for Multiple Personality Disorder

By Guest Goldminer Tim Baker

Perth, Australia – What started as a promising, edgey career in the exciting world of new media, has ended in tragedy and finger-pointing.

Rupert Penniwinkle, work experience boy and part-time web administrator for free local surf magazine, Fully Sick, began showing worrying signs in his regular despatches on their website several months ago, but sadly no alarm bells went off among his employers, co-workers or legions of readers. What happened next may forever alter workplace laws in this country, particuarly when it comes to allowing junior staff unfettered access to the internet without supervision.

Penniwnkle’s acid-witted commentary on the surfing world had shot him to almost instant internet celebrity, among his immediate circle of friends and local cafe patrons. The parry and thrust of the comments section below each of his articles had become especially popular, as the great unwashed rank and file of the surfing world stormed the barricades and had their say. Or so it seemed ...

“It started innocently enough,” Neil O’Shannesy, Penniwinkle’s former editor, observed.
“He’d post an item, we’d all weigh in under invented names, just to get the ball rolling, to give people the idea of the kind of poison and viciousness we wanted, and they’d soon get the idea, join in and start baying for blood and hurling abuse with the best of them.”

Soon, however, O’Shannesy’s increasingly busy social calendar allowed him little time in the Fully Sick office and the former work experience boy was given complete, unsupervised access to a computer, a broadband internet connection, and the Fully Sick website’s content management system, sometimes for days at a time.

“I know, I know. It seems crazy in hindsight,” bemoans O’Shannesy. “But he seemed to pick it up right away. A natural. I showed him a bit of the nastier stuff on YouTube and he just got it. He didn’t need us any more. He adopted a few other nom de plumes and would happily engage in heated arguments with himself for hours, until someone took notice. He’d even put on different outfits for each character. And he was ruthless. He’d tear strips off anyone and anything, even himself. Our readers just loved it. I know, I’ve spoken to all of them.”

It wasn’t long, however, before these multiple identities began to compete in Penniwinkle’s brain for supremacy.

“I’d write something contentious like, I don’t know, live theatre is strictly for wankers. If no one bit, I’d chime in with an empassioned defence of the exact opposition,” explains Penniwinkle, a little wearily, and clearly under the influence of powerful medication.

“Then I’d abuse myself and before I knew it I was at my own throat, literally,” Penniwinkle reccounts vividly, grabbing himself forecefully by the scruff of the neck.“The third man in usually wrote the other two off, and so it went. There was a kind of crazy beauty to it, like releasing the hounds. It felt fantastic just to let all these mad, illogical, mutually contradictory thoughts out into the world and let them run like brushfires. It was wonderful to see the readers join in with a kind of mass blood lust. To incite the power of the mob! I felt .... for a moment ...” Penniwinkle pauses, regards the stark surrounds of the hospital ward. “Glorious,” he whispers.

Though hospital visitations are strictly limited and supervised, Penniwinkle is already beginning the painful process of putting the pieces back together - feeding and toileting himself, taking short walks with the aid of a zimmer frame, even visiting a corner street for cigarettes and breath fresheners.

Penniwinkle is currently allowed closely monitored, half hour sessions of internet time each day.

“They’re still there, the voices, but I just try to igore them mainly,” Penniwinkle explains seriously. “Oh, I get itchy fingers from time to time. But then I remind myself what I’ve learned here in the occupational therapy classes. How we are all one and interconnected.” He breathes a heavy sigh. “I had no idea. I thought that’s what the internet was for. Why didn’t someone tell me?”

Back at Fully Sick HQ O’Shannesy and publisher Phillip Nolan are re-assessing Penniwinkle’s future.

“I reckon he’ll be good at selling ads,” declares Nolan, with a sudden, broad grin. “That bloke would sell a rat’s arse to a blind man as a wedding ring. We’re going to conjure a win out of all this one way or another.”

Complete Bitch Chooses to Read Magazine on Beach Instead of Watching, Transfixed in Awe, as Boyfriend Surfs

Fairhaven, Victoria – It could be splitsville for teen power couple Grant Edmonds and Marcia Davis, sources close to the pair revealed today.

Mr Edmonds is reportedly fuming over a perceived snub from long term girlfriend Davis, who is said to have paid more attention to her copy of Cleo magazine than to her partner's surfing.

This, despite Edmonds deliberately choosing to surf a peak directly in front of her, and hooting loudly when paddling into a wave so as to sound the alert.

“We've been together for like three whole months. I just can't reconcile such an ice cold bitch act with the same princess who's so nice and sweet she won't even let me finger her,” said a clearly upset Edmonds.

“Every time I did like a heaps good reo and that I'd look back to the beach and she wouldn't even be looking UP.

“You think you know someone, and BAM, they spit in your face.”

Friends report Edmonds spent the first 20 minutes of his two-hour surf wondering aloud if Ms Davis was watching him or not.

Edmonds' consulted with good friend and surfing partner Andy Matthews.

“I told him it was hard to tell, ay,” says Matthews “Maybe she could have had an eye on the lineup over the top of the page. I'd say at that stage it was a 50 50 call if she was watching Grant or not.”

Witnesses claim Edmonds' confusion over whether his girl was marveling at his surf skills or being a total bitch drove him to attempt ever more ambitious manoeuvers to draw her attention away from the worthless junk she was reading.

“Hell yeah, Grant was going for it” smiled Mathews. “He does these forehand reos where he'll fall off the back of the wave, like the wave's long gone, but he's still in the layback position with both feet planted on the board but he's floating on his back in the water.

“He was holding that pose for about five seconds, just to make sure Marcia could check the style.”

From 10.30 am onwards, Ms Davis turned away and lay on her stomach, continuing to read her magazine. This was met with a tirade of foul language and vigorous splashing of water by Edmonds.

Despite Ms Davis's protests later that day that she saw Edmonds catch heaps of waves, and her assurances that he was surfing very impressively – far better in fact than practically anyone else out there – the formerly inseperable lovebirds are said to be barely on speaking terms.

To further complicate matters, one of Ms Davis's best friends – on condition of anonymity – has revealed to the Goldmine that at last Saturday's surf club disco, Ms Davis allowed herself to be fingered by Edmonds' mate Andy Matthews up in the Anglesea SLSC lookout tower.

“She was giving Andy a wristy at the time,” our source adds.

Pro Surfer Stunned To Find Other Surfers Pay for Equipment

By Guest Goldminer Nick Carroll

GOLD COAST, AUSTRALIA – Well known professional surfer Jerusha Rake was overwhelmed today at a surf shop opening meet-and-greet session after he discovered that almost all the people in the shop were intending to buy pieces of surfing equipment with money out of their own pockets.

“How much??” Rake gasped, after a tiny child with a limp – who’d saved for two years to afford a trip to meet his hero – explained that he may never own a new surfboard, since they commonly cost between $700 to $1000.

“This is incredible! I thought everyone just got ‘em for free.”

The dazzling superstar, whose autograph was much in demand from the fawning, unkempt crowd, was further stunned to discover that most people earn around this sum for a week’s work.

Eyes wide with amazement, Rake listened as members of the public assured him that they did not own a series of expensive beachside properties, nor were five-figure sums deposited mysteriously in their personal bank accounts each month.

Nor did they visit Tahiti, Indonesia, South Africa and Europe in the same year, if ever.

Indeed, many were forced to justify the slightest purchase of surf related goods to spouses and girlfriends, who they claimed were “always on about the mortgage”.

Other prices, such as the $600 for a top of the line wetsuit and $100-plus for a pair of flexible boardshorts, came as an added shock to the heroic young professional.

“It seems extraordinary,” he muttered, tears visibly springing to his eyes. “I mean, I don’t even carry a wallet, for christ’s sake.”

A weeping Rake had to be comforted for some time in an adjoining room by several of the attractive blonde shop assistants.

Rake plans to start a charity to make sure no professional surfer ever has to withstand the cold horror of forking out for the likes of legropes, wax, shoes, clothing, wetsuits and surfboards, at least until their golden years are behind them.

“This evening has been a real lesson to me,” he asserted, as he was cheered from the store.

“It’s one thing for the public to have to cough up for this stuff – after all, I suppose they’re only human. Likewise for those rat bastard grovellers on the WQS. But what if this contagious idea spread up the ranks of the sport? We’d end up paying our own salaries. Where’s the sense in that?

“I won’t stand by and watch as our freedom to surf is eroded by the profit motive. It can’t be allowed. Not unless you’re an aging ex-pro, a chick, a regular Joe or some other random.”

Meanwhile, back at the grand opening, several shoppers angrily defended Rake’s right to colossal quantities of freebies and a vast salary in excess of the Australian Prime Minister’s, or indeed US President Barack Obama’s. “He (Jerusha Rake) is sick, he does sick airs and hacks,” shouted Logan resident Ivan Denisovich, proudly sporting a pair of brand sunglasses for which he had paid $300. “Rakey’s worth every cent I just spent and more. If he has to pay for stuff, I’m giving up surfing.”