Huge Flesh-Eating Fish Loose In Oceans, Reports Surf Group.

By Nick Carroll

Vast fish capable of devouring human flesh at will are roaming the world's oceans, possibly in huge numbers, according to a study released today by the renowned activist group, Friends of the Surfing Environment.

The fish, estimated to be between two and five metres in length and equipped with rows upon rows of huge triangular-shaped teeth, are yet to be identified by any other ocean biological institute. But the FSE study claims they may have been lying in wait in the ocean depths for millions of years.

"At last now we have some explanation for why people -- including surfers -- very occasionally go missing from beaches around the world, or are washed up onto the sands with dreadful wounds which science has never been able to account for," said Jeffrey Beachhead, FSE's director of research.

Beachhead and his crew had spent years searching for proof of the gigantic, vicious predators' existence, capturing only fleeting glimpses of their disturbingly sharp-edged pectoral fins, cold assassin-like black eyes, and vast, gaping, fang-filled jaws.

Rumours of a blood-chilling bycatch of the deadly fish in the Gold Coast dolphin nets - designed to protect Japanese tourists from being irritated by the sight of live dolphins - have circulated for decades, while officials have refused to comment.

But recent discoveries - including a dead whale, washed up on a South Australian beach with huge chunks of blubber torn from its sides - have added weight to what was once just a mad theory bandied about by conspiracy nutters and wackjob environmentalists.

Surfers and fishermen alike reacted to the shocking revelation with a mixture of horror, relief and outright scepticism.

"I knew this wasn't a figment of my imagination," wept NSW North Coast surfer Johnny Dickson, showing off a deep crescent-shaped "bite-mark" in his upper thigh. Dickson had claimed for years that the injury was due to a large, terrifying fish having seized upon him "like some sort of tiger" and shaking like a mad dog before inexplicably releasing him from its grip.

But friends, doctors, local police and others had dismissed the claims, saying Dickson was "always trying to get attention" and that he'd probably inflicted the wounds himself with a pocket knife.

"They'll be eating their words now," muttered Dickson, sporting an ironic grin.

Nonsense, says Felix Thurston, of the Florida-based Institute for People Disappearing off Beaches For No Apparent Reason. According to Thurston: "This farcical theory about massive ravenous killer fish has been proffered before, and has always been found wanting. Until the FSE truly satisfies the burden of proof, we will continue to assume that people are being abducted by deep-space aliens for their own unknowable purposes.

"For God's sake, if the ocean really was full of these terrible grey beasts, how could Mankind ever have colonised the globe?"

Asked if he had any advice for surfers and beachgoers in general, Beachhead shrugged his shoulders. "Frankly, I don't know what to tell anyone," he said. "We all thought the ocean was a safe place. It's hard to get your head around the fact that an entire sub-family of death-dealing fish the size of Stand-Up Paddleboards have been out there since before humans walked the planet, just waiting for the right moment to strike."

Legrope-Free Purist Slightly Less Smug After Fourth Swim To Beach.

Toonalook backbeach, January 18, 2010. – Local soul surfer Carl Reid's annoying air of superiority took a well-deserved setback today thanks to a number of tiring swims to retrieve his retro twin-fin fish.

Reid, 23, met two friends, John Mcphee and Wayne Tanner at Toonalook backbeach lookout at 3.00pm whereupon they agreed on a quick surf despite the marginal windswell on offer and rapidly dropping tide.

“We were getting changed and straight away Reidy was on our case for how lame we were for using a legrope on a two foot beachie.” recalls Tanner.

“Thing is, I kinda agree with him but there's something about the way the smug prick comes over all fucken-holier-than-thou that makes me want to punch him in that goateed face of his.”

Reid, who adorns his boards with Sea Shepherd stickers, continued to lecture his friends about their 'infantile dependence' on the legrope as they made their way down to the water's edge.

Onlookers observed Reid’s legrope-free posturing and body language with distaste.

Bea Smith, 78, a long term Toonalook resident, walking her beagles along the beach at the time, commented to reporters. “Look at 'im, like a strutting peacock that boy is. Poser is what I reckon.”

Disdain soon turned to joy for the eyewitnesses as Reid lost his board four times in half an hour.

On each occasion he was forced to swim all the way to the beach.

“It was magic” claimed a clearly elated Mcphee, “the first time he swam in he was all like 'it's a good workout' and 'I'm feeling the flow' and stuff, but you could see him getting more and more pissed off. By the fourth swim he was fully losing his shit, swearing and carrying on.

“He'd be madly swimming after his board and every time he'd almost get to it, a little whitewater'd come through and take it out of his reach.”

Mcphee continued: “Kinda makes me believe that there might be some kind of karmic force behind the ways of the ocean after all., 'Cos anything that wipes that smug fucken I'm-more-in-tune-with-the-great-mysteries-of-the-ocean-than-you-look off his face has got to be good.”

Goldmine Author Calls Off Two-Month Search For Motivation.

Sunday 20th December 2009. Graeme Murdoch, of Burleigh Heads Queensland today called off the search for the energy and motivation required to post entries on sporadically humorous blog 'inside the goldmine'.

“I thought if I spent some time away from the blog, you know, bludging for a while, then after a while I'd turn around and Bam!.... there it'd be, staring me in the face and urging me to get stuck into the next soft target that blundered into my field of vision.” said the 42-year-old.

“But weirdly, the opposite happened: the longer the absence, the less necessary it felt to continue, blogging became increasingly less vital to my sense of vindication. It was oddly liberating to let the time between entries lapse from days to weeks to months.”

Witnesses report that the signal emitting from Murdoch's 'give-a-fuck-about-anything' beacon has become so weak that any prospect of locating the drive and passion to continue the goldmine, – indeed, to approach any creative endeavour with rigour and professionalism – would be nothing short of a Christmas Miracle.

“I dunno” said Murdoch, scratching his arse, “I might have another look behind the couch or in the car under the seats in the new year sometime. Maybe there'll be some remnants of desire or commitment I can scrape up and cobble together, but I wouldn't count on it.

“For now all I'm good for is to lie around and eat chocolates and watch entire series of Dexter in one go.”

Friends express fears that Murdoch's standards of personal cleanliness will wane along with his creative mojo. “It's scary to think he might actually pay less attention to grooming and hygiene than he does already,” says one.

Dave Montoya Fundraising raffle winners

Hi all. Hey sorry for the lack of satire over the last month. Been kinda distracted away from the whole humour thing lately.

I'm using this blog post to announce the winners of a fundraising raffle we had for a mate, Dave Montoya who's fighting a brain tumour right now. Guy's a legend.

Anyway, we raised 15K and Dave and hid bro are headinhg off to the States to pursue some treatments not available here.

Grand Prize Winner: Graeme Pedermont

runner up #1: Nathan French

runner up #2: Michael @ Golden Legends Restaurant

runner up#3: Debbie Arkland

runner up #4: Robyn Luke

runner up #5: Sam Smith

runner up #6: Margaret Kelly

runner up #7: Ash + Dee Frost

cheers. Here's to Dave hey.

Gra

Modern Collective A “Trojan Horse for Socialist Utopia.”

By Tim Baker.

Planet Earth – Stars of the highly touted new surf movie, Modern Collective, have been shocked to discover the project was all an elaborate ruse by film-maker Kai Neville to impose his leftist-socialist politics on the world.

In the fine print of agreements signed by the surfers, they are henceforth obliged to donate all future income “for the collective good of humanity.”

Under the agreement, private ownership of wealth is strictly prohibited and the surfers’ earnings from sponsorship and prize money, as well as all profits from the film, must be handed over to a number of approved “community projects”.

“I thought collective just meant we were going traveling and surfing together, not some kind of crazy kabutz shit where we had to give everything away,” complained a stunned Dion Agius. “I should have twigged when Kai started carrying on about upsetting the apple cart, and apples for every one. I just thought he was on the pingers.”

Lawyers for the surfers are poring over their contracts but so far can find no loopholes in the binding agreements they have entered.

“It first came to me one day at Canguu,” said Neville, of his inspiration for the scheme. “I’d just despatched some little Balo kid to order our lunches and fetch me some fresh batteries when I had a kind of epiphany. I just couldn’t justify tripping around the planet in the lap of luxury with all these wealthy guys while so many people went without the basic necessities of life,” he said.
“All these unpaid extras in surf movies, often in impoverished third world locations, earn nothing from our imposition on their homelands and I figured it was time we gave something back. It’s nothing but an accident of birth that we have so much while they go without.”

The combined annual incomes of the surfers, Agius, Smith, Mitch Coleborn, Dusty Payne, Yadin Nichol and Dane Reynolds, believed to be in the vicinity of US$4 million, will be diverted into a charitable foundation and distributed to a number of community groups.

Top of the list is a large training facility for unemployed youth around Canguu, equipping them for jobs in the surf industry. Everything from board making and ding fixing, to website design and film making will be taught. Additionally, the surfers will all be required to perform several weeks of community service in the facility. Any failure to comply may result in an extended stay in a special “re-education camp.”

“Machado had the right idea. All he had to do was pretend he was digging a freaking well for a few minutes while Taylor got the shot, and everyone thinks he’s a bloody Saint,” bemoaned Mitch Coleborn. “We’ve basically signed our lives away because of this crazed little Che Guevara posing as a camerman, and if we complain and try and wriggle out of it we look like the bad guys.”

The only one not complaining is Reynolds. “I’ve always hated being a surf star and all the money and opportunities that come with it,” said Reynolds. “Frankly, it’s been torture. This will finally allow me to really be the kind of gritty, down-at-heel rebel I’ve always wanted to be.”

Lifelong Friendship Ends After Mates’ Rules Violation

By Chris Binns

TOONALOOK WATERS, EAST COAST AUSTRALIA: Ted Newbury and Damon Hensley today officially declared their 25-year mateship over, citing irreconcilable differences. After years of mediation and counselling following ‘Bowlogate’, the sorry night that saw Newbury forget to buy Hensley a round, then later fail to honour a pantsing at the pool table, the final curtain came down on the pair’s strained relationship this morning at Toonalook Back Beach, when Hensley failed to wait on the sand and watch Newbury’s last wave.

According to a distraught Newbury, the wave was “ a real good one, ay. I linked her all the way through, stuck a big floater onto the sand and did that kick-your-board-out-and-catch-it-and-keep-running thing. I was pretty pumped and looked up for Damo, but... he wasn’t there. So spewing, I’m just over it. After all I’ve done for that guy...”

Hensley admits his fault but claims he’d had the shits with his former mate from the time they’d suited up. “Ah y’know how it is, he picked me up from home like he always does, but something just didn’t seem right. I was bagging his shitty driving and he didn’t seem to appreciate it like he normally does. Then in the carpark I was pissing in my wetty and flicked some on him, and he just looked at me like, whatever. So I was like, whatever too, y’know?”

The pair were civil in the water, except for on one occasion when Newbury dropped in on Hensley, who he claims was too far back to make it. “Yeah,” says Newbury, “I went, but I had to. Teddy was never gonna get around that one, and it was too good to let go. He does it all the time and I’ve had a gutful of pulling back on bombs that he doesn’t end up making.”

According to Newbury, the situation was quite different. “Fuck mate, the only reason I don’t make ’em is ’cos that clown’s always on the shoulder pushing the section down on me. He calls me Too Deep Teddy, but I reckon Drop-In Damo’s more like it. Fuck ’im.”

About the Mates’ Rule violation on the sand, Hensley is quick to set the record straight. “It was pretty shit out there. We’d been in the water for a while already and were running late for work. Edward had called last wave, and I snagged a set and beached it. Then I seen him catch at least three more little in-betweeners and kick off and paddle back out every time. After one he coulda come in on and didn’t, I bailed. It was cold on the sand and now he’s all sour on me. He can get rooted.”

Although their friendship is over, Hensley and Newbury later released a joint statement saying they their other dealings, as brothers-in-law and business partners, will be unaffected.

Dane Reynolds Reluctantly Gives Up Paper Run To Concentrate On Surfing Career

By Nick Carroll

California: In a heart-wrenching statement to friends, family and the global surf media, Dane Reynolds has announced he will be giving up his twice weekly paper run.

The run, which Reynolds first took on at the age of nine, covers a number of streets near his childhood home, and involves riding around with a basket of local free newspapers and tossing them into the front yards of various residents.

Giving up hand delivery of the Ventura Guardian will allow Reynolds to focus all his attention on his pro surfing career, which he said had suffered in prior seasons from broken concentration. “I was always stressing … I’d be sitting in the lineup at Teahupo’o or Hossegor, and thinking about getting back home in time for next Tuesday’s delivery.”

The $25 per month paycheque funded the purchase of his first very own surfboard. Confessed Reynolds: “At first I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find the money for my next quiver, but then I recalled I was being paid a million dollars a year by various sponsors and got my surfboards free from the world’s highest profile board designer.”

Nonetheless, admitted Reynolds, the decision to abandon the paper run has caused him considerable angst. “I’ve got nothing to fall back on now,” he told reporters, brushing away tears. “Apart from a paper run, and colossal stardom in the undeniably hip global surf culture, what else am I qualified for? I feel as if my youth is slipping away.”

Reynolds also plans to sell his specially modified bike, which allowed him to carry up to 100 newspapers at a time. But, he said, “I won’t just sell it to anyone. That bike meant the world to me.”

Local grandmother Lupe Gonzales said the whole neighbourhood would miss Reynolds. “We always knew when the paper had arrived by his raucous bellowing. ‘Read all about it!’ Dane really knew how to wake people up.”

She said the neighbourhood was planning a party to celebrate Reynolds’s long paperboy career, but she expected only a few people to show up, since the party would be on a Sunday morning when all decent Americans went to church.

New area paper boy, Bobby Martinez, says he is hoping to follow in Reynolds’s footsteps. “Boy, would I love it if a major surf corporation threw that kind of money at me!” said Martinez. “Then I wouldn’t have to win ultra prestigious ASP world tour events just to keep myself in airfares.”