Shock Survey Finds a Percentage of Jet Ski Enthusiasts to be Decent Human Beings

July 4, SYDNEY AUSTRALIA: – A whopping eight percent of all recreational jet ski riders are pleasant enough people, with respect for the ocean and its inhabitants, a nationwide study has found.

Findings of the two-year research project led by Professor Steven Harland, head of Human Behaviour Studies at Wentworth University, challenges the widely-held assumption that all jet ski enthusiasts are clueless buffoons with an infantile-at-best appreciation of the environmental and spiritual reality of the world around them.

“If there's one key finding out of this survey, it's that we write off ALL recreational jet ski riders as noisy, polluting, ignorant pricks at our own peril” says Professor Harland.

“While the vast majority of recreational jet ski riders are, indeed distinctly challenged in key areas of intelligence and simple awareness, we have found that there does exist a small minority of recreational jet ski riders who are completely decent human beings, capable of empathy, respect, of love and being loved.”

Though the survey offers some hope for the humanity of jet ski enthusiasts, much of the research findings were predictably condemnatory.

“Sadly, the overall picture this survey paints isn't pretty,” says Harland. “The majority of recreational jet ski users seem to be an unfortunate bunch of dullards who haven't outgrown the pubescent urges of noisy self importance, the puerile thrill of going 'wheeeeeeee', and hoping onlookers might be really, really impressed by the whole Waterworld jumping-over-a-wave-thing.

“The fact that they're witless enough to spend $20,000 on such a daft toy – the thrill of which diminishes by half with every Sunday morning outing on the broadwater – is a testament to their sheer dumb-as-fuck status.”

Professor Harland is quick to qualify his findings. “It's best to be clear here, jet skis that are used to tow boardriders into seriously un-paddleable waves in remote locations do not fall into this recreational jet ski user category.

“In these cases, the jet ski user is more often than not an accomplished ocean-goer himself, someone who has spent enough time immersed in the surf under their own manual power, to develop an understanding of the ocean as an ecological and spiritual sanctuary, one that deserves better than squadrons of dimwits roaring across her once-pristine expanses.

“So it's fair to say that any accomplished tow-in surfer has nothing but love and respect for the ocean, and treads as lightly as possible whenever he or she can.”

But as for those enthusiasts who regularly employ jet skis to tow in surf situations where paddling is still a functional option, the survey data is particularly damning.

“These quasi-watermen tow in types unerringly fall into the category of chumps, cretins and asswipes” – the report's author states. “A moneyed-up recreational jet ski bogan endlessly spinning his wheels in the broadwater is bad enough, but the pretendy yellowbelly 'oooh-it's-overhead-let's-form-a-tow-team-I'll-be-Maverick-and-you-can-be-Goose' bozo is a far lower creature – a nuisance, a danger and a pest.”

Other findings showed that – apart from the eight percent of recreational jet ski enthusiasts who were not utterly repellent – recreational jet ski users were overwhelmingly: poor listeners; suffering short attention spans; unable to reflect and learn from experience, and generally 'emotionally retarded'.

“It would seem these people cannot be silently with themselves for more than a minute.” concludes Harland. “These braying donkeys seem incapable of actually sitting out in the ocean for a quiet moment, with no fumes or roaring motor. Perhaps if they did, they'd realise what an infernal contraption they were astride, and what a pitiful creature they were for engaging in its most tawdry and inane of thrills.

“Given the grave nature of what such introspection would reveal, it's understandable they would wish to keep the motor running – and delay the realisation that they are a complete twat – for as long as possible.”