Saturday, February 13, 2010

Dane Reynolds 'A Huge Disappointment', claims Angry Surf Forum Mob.

MON FEB 15TH 2010 – Surf blog enthusiasts worldwide have been driven to rage by the fact that Dane Reynolds has failed to blow their minds with a downright freaky online clip for the second week in a row.

Several surf sites have had their servers jammed by a torrent of bitter personal attacks on all facets of Reynolds' character, his surfing and sexual orientation.

“I'm angry, confused and let down by this prick Reynolds” writes Bugalugs72 in a tirade typical of many on “So much for cutting edge surfing... the latest Dane Reynolds clip is weeks old. I've viewed it half a dozen times now and am no longer impressed.”

It's a sentiment echoed by DaneSux on the futuristically groovy site,“Safety turn after safety turn – I don't care if they're performed above the lip – It's all just just so PREDICTABLE after four or five views. Reynolds is a joke and I hold him personally responsible for dragging surfing kicking and screaming back into the dark ages.


“In no way is my unfocused and ignorant rage a clear reflection of the bitterness I feel towards my own mediocre talents in the water and the drudgery of my own life, which stretches before me as a sad, increasingly grey wasteland of anonymity” writes YouseCanAllGetStuffed on critically lauded “Lord no, It's not about me, it's about someone calling it like they see it, and quite frankly, way I see it, the whole thing stinks.

“Take Mick Fanning. Biggest joke of the lot. Without question holding surfing back. I don't think I've ever been less impressed with a so-called world champion.

“I mean, put aside his exquisite repertoire of moves, a top turn that will make you weep with its sheer speed, power, timing and beauty; forget for a moment the astounding completeness of his waveriding in any conditions; ignore the personal tragedies, the crippling injuries, the almighty focus and steel will of the man; dismiss if you will the fact he'll be first out every morning such is his sheer love for surfing and the ocean; put to the back of your mind his humility, patience and approachability and what do you get?

“That's right, a pathetic joke of a contest machine.”

Barely pausing for breath, YouseCanAllGetStuffed continued, “Seriously. if I have to sit on front of my computer anywhere I want and watch a free, three-camera-angle webcast to see the world's best surfers stumble through heats with staggeringly beautiful highwire shredding I can't tell you how upset I might become, and how I'll bombard the world's message boards with my stinking vitriol.

“Thank christ for Dane Reynolds. Now there's the future right there.

“What's that? We're over Dane now?

“Riiiight. Yep, Thought as much. Honestly, Dane Reynolds – what a letdown that conservo-boy-homo is. Sad to think back, all the way back to January, how he was the real deal. These days? Two thumbs down.

“Without question, holding surfing back.”

Not only is the former poster boy for avante-garde performance now universally loathed for the recent drought of mind-blowing freakiness, Surf media analysts have noticed an online trend towards pre-emptive hating, and cite dangerously renegade, where the hapless Reynolds is acting as springboard in a discussion that's officially attracting a gazillion new posts per minute.

“Fuck EVERYONE,” writes self-described 'maverick' blog commenter BlinkyBalls on “in particular, fuck the ASP tour, the rebel tour, the judges, the caterers, the security staff, the mags, the locals, the tourists, the blow-ins, Mum, Dad, my little sister, Fanning, Slater, Reynolds. Fuck em ALL.

“But most of all, FUCK the bloke who's gonna surpass Dane Reynolds. Whoever comes along in a blaze of glory, doing things we never imagined, well, I'm over him and his late-2011-style conservatism already.



As the goldmine goes to press with this story, Dane Reynolds' management has offered an emotional apology to the entire surfing world for “Dane's disappointing inability to blow minds with something crazy and new over the last couple of weeks.”

“Dane knows he has a lot of soul searching to do” reads the press release, “and personally feels he deserves every well-considered barb his online supporters have skewered him with.”