Modern Collective A “Trojan Horse for Socialist Utopia.”

By Tim Baker.

Planet Earth – Stars of the highly touted new surf movie, Modern Collective, have been shocked to discover the project was all an elaborate ruse by film-maker Kai Neville to impose his leftist-socialist politics on the world.

In the fine print of agreements signed by the surfers, they are henceforth obliged to donate all future income “for the collective good of humanity.”

Under the agreement, private ownership of wealth is strictly prohibited and the surfers’ earnings from sponsorship and prize money, as well as all profits from the film, must be handed over to a number of approved “community projects”.

“I thought collective just meant we were going traveling and surfing together, not some kind of crazy kabutz shit where we had to give everything away,” complained a stunned Dion Agius. “I should have twigged when Kai started carrying on about upsetting the apple cart, and apples for every one. I just thought he was on the pingers.”

Lawyers for the surfers are poring over their contracts but so far can find no loopholes in the binding agreements they have entered.

“It first came to me one day at Canguu,” said Neville, of his inspiration for the scheme. “I’d just despatched some little Balo kid to order our lunches and fetch me some fresh batteries when I had a kind of epiphany. I just couldn’t justify tripping around the planet in the lap of luxury with all these wealthy guys while so many people went without the basic necessities of life,” he said.
“All these unpaid extras in surf movies, often in impoverished third world locations, earn nothing from our imposition on their homelands and I figured it was time we gave something back. It’s nothing but an accident of birth that we have so much while they go without.”

The combined annual incomes of the surfers, Agius, Smith, Mitch Coleborn, Dusty Payne, Yadin Nichol and Dane Reynolds, believed to be in the vicinity of US$4 million, will be diverted into a charitable foundation and distributed to a number of community groups.

Top of the list is a large training facility for unemployed youth around Canguu, equipping them for jobs in the surf industry. Everything from board making and ding fixing, to website design and film making will be taught. Additionally, the surfers will all be required to perform several weeks of community service in the facility. Any failure to comply may result in an extended stay in a special “re-education camp.”

“Machado had the right idea. All he had to do was pretend he was digging a freaking well for a few minutes while Taylor got the shot, and everyone thinks he’s a bloody Saint,” bemoaned Mitch Coleborn. “We’ve basically signed our lives away because of this crazed little Che Guevara posing as a camerman, and if we complain and try and wriggle out of it we look like the bad guys.”

The only one not complaining is Reynolds. “I’ve always hated being a surf star and all the money and opportunities that come with it,” said Reynolds. “Frankly, it’s been torture. This will finally allow me to really be the kind of gritty, down-at-heel rebel I’ve always wanted to be.”

Lifelong Friendship Ends After Mates’ Rules Violation

By Chris Binns

TOONALOOK WATERS, EAST COAST AUSTRALIA: Ted Newbury and Damon Hensley today officially declared their 25-year mateship over, citing irreconcilable differences. After years of mediation and counselling following ‘Bowlogate’, the sorry night that saw Newbury forget to buy Hensley a round, then later fail to honour a pantsing at the pool table, the final curtain came down on the pair’s strained relationship this morning at Toonalook Back Beach, when Hensley failed to wait on the sand and watch Newbury’s last wave.

According to a distraught Newbury, the wave was “ a real good one, ay. I linked her all the way through, stuck a big floater onto the sand and did that kick-your-board-out-and-catch-it-and-keep-running thing. I was pretty pumped and looked up for Damo, but... he wasn’t there. So spewing, I’m just over it. After all I’ve done for that guy...”

Hensley admits his fault but claims he’d had the shits with his former mate from the time they’d suited up. “Ah y’know how it is, he picked me up from home like he always does, but something just didn’t seem right. I was bagging his shitty driving and he didn’t seem to appreciate it like he normally does. Then in the carpark I was pissing in my wetty and flicked some on him, and he just looked at me like, whatever. So I was like, whatever too, y’know?”

The pair were civil in the water, except for on one occasion when Newbury dropped in on Hensley, who he claims was too far back to make it. “Yeah,” says Newbury, “I went, but I had to. Teddy was never gonna get around that one, and it was too good to let go. He does it all the time and I’ve had a gutful of pulling back on bombs that he doesn’t end up making.”

According to Newbury, the situation was quite different. “Fuck mate, the only reason I don’t make ’em is ’cos that clown’s always on the shoulder pushing the section down on me. He calls me Too Deep Teddy, but I reckon Drop-In Damo’s more like it. Fuck ’im.”

About the Mates’ Rule violation on the sand, Hensley is quick to set the record straight. “It was pretty shit out there. We’d been in the water for a while already and were running late for work. Edward had called last wave, and I snagged a set and beached it. Then I seen him catch at least three more little in-betweeners and kick off and paddle back out every time. After one he coulda come in on and didn’t, I bailed. It was cold on the sand and now he’s all sour on me. He can get rooted.”

Although their friendship is over, Hensley and Newbury later released a joint statement saying they their other dealings, as brothers-in-law and business partners, will be unaffected.

Dane Reynolds Reluctantly Gives Up Paper Run To Concentrate On Surfing Career

By Nick Carroll

California: In a heart-wrenching statement to friends, family and the global surf media, Dane Reynolds has announced he will be giving up his twice weekly paper run.

The run, which Reynolds first took on at the age of nine, covers a number of streets near his childhood home, and involves riding around with a basket of local free newspapers and tossing them into the front yards of various residents.

Giving up hand delivery of the Ventura Guardian will allow Reynolds to focus all his attention on his pro surfing career, which he said had suffered in prior seasons from broken concentration. “I was always stressing … I’d be sitting in the lineup at Teahupo’o or Hossegor, and thinking about getting back home in time for next Tuesday’s delivery.”

The $25 per month paycheque funded the purchase of his first very own surfboard. Confessed Reynolds: “At first I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find the money for my next quiver, but then I recalled I was being paid a million dollars a year by various sponsors and got my surfboards free from the world’s highest profile board designer.”

Nonetheless, admitted Reynolds, the decision to abandon the paper run has caused him considerable angst. “I’ve got nothing to fall back on now,” he told reporters, brushing away tears. “Apart from a paper run, and colossal stardom in the undeniably hip global surf culture, what else am I qualified for? I feel as if my youth is slipping away.”

Reynolds also plans to sell his specially modified bike, which allowed him to carry up to 100 newspapers at a time. But, he said, “I won’t just sell it to anyone. That bike meant the world to me.”

Local grandmother Lupe Gonzales said the whole neighbourhood would miss Reynolds. “We always knew when the paper had arrived by his raucous bellowing. ‘Read all about it!’ Dane really knew how to wake people up.”

She said the neighbourhood was planning a party to celebrate Reynolds’s long paperboy career, but she expected only a few people to show up, since the party would be on a Sunday morning when all decent Americans went to church.

New area paper boy, Bobby Martinez, says he is hoping to follow in Reynolds’s footsteps. “Boy, would I love it if a major surf corporation threw that kind of money at me!” said Martinez. “Then I wouldn’t have to win ultra prestigious ASP world tour events just to keep myself in airfares.”

Ooooh, I Wanted Our Boy Fanning to Win the World Title But Now I Think I'm Rooting For That Joel Fellow Again.

Guest Opinion By Goldmining Grandma Florence Tolhurst

Ever since a young Midget Farrelly set my heart on fire back in the day I've had an eye out for the surfies. My husband Walter – God rest his soul – couldn't abide the sight of 'em, so for the half-century of our holy union I've been careful not to admire these young bucks too openly or else he would get annoyed. He really would. Annoyed. My word. Yes.

Did you know my Walter always blamed that Shaun Tomson chap for his first coronary? Found some folded-up pictures of him tucked away in my sewing drawer back in '78 he did. Next thing you know we were screaming up Parramatta Road in the ambulance, with him refusing to hold my hand, muttering 'You've got some nerve, Florence' through the oxygen mask.

I never meant to hurt my husband. He was a good man. A decent man. Yes he was.

Since Walter passed though I've been free to follow the surfies on the internet to my heart's content. It's a real treat for half a dozen of us ladies in the home to sit down with a nice cup of tea and watch the surfing contests on the computer.

At my age, you might say my passion for the surfies has mellowed a little. It's more matronly concern now than when I was ... well ... you know what I mean. Here, have a toffee.

Have I told you we don't really care for the surfing out in the water awfully much? – too much sitting there, bobbing around, really, and without the most powerful of stimulants, half of us doze off after five minutes' commentary anyway.

What we absolutely adore is the interviews after they come out of the water! Such Manners! Oh, my word, such well brought-up young men!
Just when you thought gentlemen were a thing of the past.
Always going on about how great the other fellow surfs. Always so lovely and humble.

And always so sun-smart, with their little friends rushing up and handing them their caps straight away as soon as they get out of the water. You don't want melanoma now, do you. Oh no you don't. Horrible thing. Awful.

These boys give us endless things to talk about. We're always saying to eachother “My word, isn't it considerate of the other fellow's feelings when a lad says he was 'lucky to get through that heat' ”, or “That Dave Reynolds boy looks like he needs a hug” and “Ooooh, I'd like to put that Georgie Smith between two slices of bread...”

I am still a woman, after all. Feelings get stirred up.
From somewhere deep. Yes, deep.

Not that Hector Alves though. He looks like a monster in his ASP photograph. Get that beastly man away from me. Mercy!

I've always had a soft spot for our boy Fanning. He looks like a lad who'd help you across the road. Lovely. Just lovely. It was sad to see the poor soul missing out by the cruellest strokes of misfortune through the first half of the year.

But he's had his title hasn't he? 'Share' is what I always say. Don't be greedy. Don't be like that Slater fellow. Reminds me of Elvis he does. Never had enough to make him happy and look what happened to him.
They never learn. No they don't. Elvis. Such a shame.

So I was happy for young Joel's crackerjack beginning to the year. He's started his family quite young hasn't he? I always say, have 'em while you're young because then you've got more friends and you need friends don't you? I always say that don't I? I do.

Yes, Joel, lovely smile, lovely, but Esmae and Ada always wondered if he wasn't a bit cocky and I think they're on to something. Everything was always so easy. He looked like the cat who swallowed the cream.

So I started pulling for young Mick again, and what do you know, he's back on top! How wonderful. Yes. just lovely. Such a lad.

Well I WAS in Mick's corner until he won that thing in Portugal last night. Came straight out of the water and do you know the FIRST thing he did? Someone stuck a can of some newfangled energy drink in his hand and he and actually drank the whole thing! While he was being carried up the beach. In front of everyone!
Like he didn't care who saw!

God knows how much of the sugary muck the poor boy is hoovering up in private. Poor love.

Esmae reckons that next thing you know they'll be rushing down the water's edge with insulin, either that or a dialysis machine. She's got a mouth on her that woman. Yes she has.

Did I tell you that Diabetes took my poor Walter away? I'm not going to get attached to Mick only to lose him to the same scourge. It's just not right.

And that boy Joel has such lovely, white teeth, he wouldn't go near the stuff. No he wouldn't.

Go Joel. You make an old woman proud. And flushed.

Arm Raising Shoulder Dweller Accuses Surf Mag Editors of Discrimination

By Guest Goldminer Tim Brimblecombe

SLACKS CREEK – Local arm raiser Ray Smurgon has accused surf magazine editors of discrimination after failing to feature in any magazine or website with his arms up while a surfer rides the barrel.

Mr Smurgon believes the editors are conducting an orchestrated campaign and has accused them of photoshopping him out of images.

“I don’t understand it ... I’ve been to most of the big sessions in the past six months, you name it, I was all over it sticking my hands in the air and playing an important role,” said Mr Smurgon. “But did the back of my head with my arms up get one photo in any of the mags? No. Not fricken one.”

He accused editors of disrespect for failing to acknowledge his work and that of others who dedicate their lives to sitting in the channel or on the shoulder looking like they are taking part but never catching a wave.

“I’m out there on the shoulder, you know, doing the hard yards,” said Mr Smurgon, who admitted he cannot surf and has sometimes had to be saved while returning through the shore break by bodyboarders and young families on vacation. “I’m on good terms with all of the photographers, there’s a lot of mutual respect out there and that’s what comes with being a waterman. But as for the editors ... I don’t see them out there on the frontline.”

Mr Smurgon said several lucrative advertising contracts were under threat because of the poor exposure he received.

“There’s a lot that can be placed on the back of your head, believe you me, and I’ve been working on some new techniques to give advertisers excellent return on their investments.

“I have a new technique, which I call “the line of sight project”. Basically I line the surfer up with the photographer and the back of my mind’s eye. It’s like having an eye, but it’s at the back ... of my mind.

“And that’s not to mention the months of training I put in preparing for the latest big wave season. I spent hours watching Ricky and the boys in the Australian slips cordon during the Ashes and admiring how they raise their arms when appealing.

“I not only marvelled at their passion in the appeal but what also amazed me was the drive they seem to get through the legs. Of course I’m sitting on a board and can’t use my legs so I’ve worked hard developing that drive through my core. I do a lot of SUP ... that’s great for the core.”

Mr Smurgon was unsure what the future held.

“I plan to speak individually with each editor and if they won’t budge then I have a couple of other projects on the go, one of which is my book to be called “Presenting the Eye”, which is basically a how to guide which I hope to have in all good book stores by Christmas.”

Aloha Shortage “Critical”

By Guest Goldminer Rick Bannister
– reporting from the near future –

HONOLULU — Aloha shortages have hit much of Hawaii, particularly the island of Oahu, at the height of the winter surf season.

Several islands in the Hawaiian group, including Kauai, Maui and Molokai, have imposed restrictions to maintain reserves until locals carrying more of the sacred energy arrive from the Big Island of Hawai’i. On the island of Oahu, locals and tourists have reported no aloha anywhere for the last five days.

"We had warned central government that this would happen months ago and now we are struggling to meet demand," said the concierge at the Lae Nani Outrigger, Kam Faaola.

The problem has been exacerbated by increased consumption of aloha during a record run of west swells on the North Shore. Not only the Hawaiian word for hello and goodbye, the deeper meaning of aloha is the joyful sharing of life energy. It seems the increasing number of surfers from around the world, particularly the aggressive nature of the Brazilians, has caused nearly all of the aloha in local reservoirs to evaporate.

Oahu has experienced aloha shortages before, but the trouble this year is unprecedented. The government reacted this week by declaring a state of emergency to ensure that locals did not run completely dry and be unable to welcome any visitors, regardless of whether they were surfers or not, during a year in which a record four and a half million tourists were expected.

Well-known local pro Chase Harrison would not say what measures the authorities should take. But he said that "aloha shortages are a major problem, because they have an immediate impact on tourists, especially haoles who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing in the line-up at Sunset. Bra, I want to show everyone aloha, but as a local surfer there’s only so much joyful sharing of life energy I can manage."

Dwindling aloha supplies have provoked other problems. The state has warned that locals are producing just half the number of shakas they were last year. The shocking drop in the signature hand gesture of Hawaii also suggesting that the local population’s ability to “hang loose” might also be flagging.

Disgruntled Surfer Claims “Time Didn't Stand Still.” Launches Class Action.

By Guest Goldminer Tim Baker

SOUTHPORT, QLD – An angry Gold Coast surfer has launched a massive lawsuit against Shaun Tomson, Gerry Lopez and large sections of the surf industry and media, claiming that tube riding is a hoax.

Garry Peabottom, of Varsity Lakes, claims he has spent thousands of dollars and most of his adolescent and adult life trying to get tubed, because he believed “the systematic, deliberate, and misleading brainwashing of the entire surf culture, that the tube riding experience would give meaning to my life.”

“Time doesn’t slow down at all,” he told a busy media scrum, outside the Southport Magistrates Court. “If anything, it’s speeded up. I was in, then I was out again. Nothing happened. I’m the same person I always was, damn it.”

In his action, Peabottom claims he had accepted the “contrived surf media lies that tube riding would be a somehow transcendental, transformative experience.”

“They’re all in on it - the pros, the companies, the mags, the video makers, selling us a pack of lies,” he claimed.

The truth, he reckoned, was that his first brief tube, during a boat trip to the Mentawais with a gang of mates, had been “maybe mildly more exciting than having a tug, and nowhere near as good as a root.”

Mounting his own case, Peabottom called several supporting witnesses to the stand.

Frank “Franger” Mitcham, a plumber from Labrador, told the court Peabottom had been obsessed with getting tubed as long as he’d known him. “He’s not that crash hot a surfer to be honest. I’ve never seen a bloke get guillotined by the lip so regularly. He had a nack for it, would just stick his head in the things as if he wanted to get it taken off. He was hilarious.”

Peabottom, a large-bodied, ungainly goofyfooter, said they had scored “sick Maccas for three days, with only me mates, a few Brazzers and a bunch of pros in the water,” he told the court.

“As soon as I saw that wave, I just went, this is the place - this is where I’m going to get my first barrel,” Peabottom testified. “For the first coupla days I just got dropped in on, blew take offs or would get into an unsteady tube squat, get sucked up the face and sail over the falls with the lip.”

Several scars on Peabottom’s forehead and elbows, he claimed, were the result of repeated scrapes with what he called “the razor sharp reef lurking just below the surface.”

“Finally, on day three, I started to get the hang of it. Oh, I still blew a lot of them, but I caught a few lazy shoulders and then worked my way up the food chain until I was in the spot when a set came.”

He described the wave as “easy double over head” and claimed he was “fully shitting meself,” as the first wave of the set approached, but managed to catch the thing and gain a clean entry.

“I just stood there and the lip threw out and over me and I managed not to fall off,” Peabottom related. “Oh, it was nice enough and the view was pretty amazing for a few moments there, but I guess it had been built up so much in my mind by all those years of brain washing that it was a bit of an anti-climax, really.”

The defence case rests on the question of whether the plaintiff was actually in the tube. Star witness “Franger” Mitcham vehemently corroborated Peabottom’s story.

“Oh, he was in there alright. None of us could bloody believe it. We were all hooting our heads off and got right on it that night, drank the boat dry and demolished the duty free in celebration of Gazzer’s barrel,” he claimed. “I thought he seemed a bit subued though, not his usual self.”

Peabottom’s suit demands substantial damages from several major surfwear labels as well as the publishers of the Surfer’s Naval magazine, known for its flowery prose on the wonders of tube-riding, a number of distinguished surf identities known to have described the tube in extravagant terms, as well as respected surf writer, Barney O’Flannery. “He’s the worst of the lot,” Peabottom told the press. “You should see the garbage he writes - active meditation, stilling the conscious mind, creating a state of Flow. What a bunch of bullshit,” Peabottom spat.

He is seeking financial compensation for the money he has spent on boards, petrol, airfares, surf camp tariffs, even magazines and movies, over a 15 year period. He is also inviting other surfers who feel they have been similarly misled to overcome their shame and come forward to tell their stories.

“It’s a hoax and I’ve been had, we’re all being had. I’ll stay home at my local beachbreak and practice my airs from now on. They are way more rad and that Dane Reynolds dude, he ain’t trying to sell shit. The one consolation out of all this is I have finally found a surf star I can trust.”