Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Surf Forum Thread Veers Off Topic.

CYBERSPACE, Thursday – Internet experts are expressing alarm at the discovery of a surf website forum thread straying off its topic of origin.

“We've designed the internet - specifically the 'forums' or 'message boards' - as a way for like-minded individuals to exchange their thoughts, hopes and dreams, and engage in healthy, respectful debate” says Dr John Cohen, who invented the internet.

“This technology bridges distance and divisions of class, race and circumstance.”

“As these ripples of expression and perspective expand, and as more people join in and have their voice heard, we can't help but feel more empathy for our fellow man. We can all get on the same page, so to speak.”

Dr Cohen continued: “This is why today's discovery of a forum thread – that not only veered off topic but also became disrespectful and abusive – is cause for concern.”

“It would appear some forum enthusiasts used the disconnectedness of the internet to express opinions they might otherwise keep to themselves if, say, the object of their scorn was in the same room as them.

“Some even appear to not have fully thought their arguments through before pressing the 'submit' button – and a number of forum users seem to enjoy attacking and provoking others.

“One might suspect some deeper issues – completely unrelated to the topic at hand – fuel this need to antagonise strangers over subjects that are – in reality – extremely petty.

“Further, some participants have even posted their work under pseudonyms, which in turn has prompted other forum users to speculate if “so-and-so” isn't actually “such-and-such.”

“Halfway through the thread, the original forum topic has been forgotten.

“This is so not what I invented the internet for. And if this behavior continues I'm going to have to shut this whole web thing down.

“The surf cams, the swell maps, even the porn. Gone. Think about that next time you wanna share your half-arsed opinion with the fricken world.”

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

ASL Team "Just Not Feeling The Work Thing" Since Conclusion Of Bells Webcast.

BURLEIGH, Qld – ASL workers have been finding it increasingly hard to focus on their work since the Rip Curl Pro webcast concluded last Thursday 16th April.

“I was stoked for Joel, seeing him ring the bell and all,” an ASL staffer confided, “but I was dying a little inside, knowing that in a matter of minutes the webcast'd be over and the only thing on my computer screen would be the work that I myself was generating.

“Having a webcast playing away on a discreetly tucked-away window on my screen gives me real motivation to stay at my workstation. Even first round showdowns featuring Timmy Reyes and Miky Picon make it easy to stay at my desk for hours at a stretch.”

Even ASL Publisher Peter Morrison agrees, saying “At first I was dubious about the webcasts, but they seem to give real structure to the team's working day.

“I never see the boys as focused as when a comp's on. I see them concentrating so intently to their screens and I deadset get a bit teary.”

The blessings of the Rip Curl Pro webcast were not without consequences however. In the half hour the contest was relocated to high tide Winkipop on successive days, phone systems overloaded as the team addressed their growing banks of voicemail messages and dashed off a few priority emails.

Critically, the ASL lavatory system struggled to process the backlog of waste as most staff maximised the Winkipop relocation downtime to punch out a painfully-withheld shit.

All well worth the strain on the infrastructure and plumbing, according to one: “Getting paid to watch a surf comp? Sometimes I love my job.”

Alas, with weeks until the Billabong Pro Tahiti comes online, a dark and oppressive funk has settled over the ASL office, with aimless hallway wandering and listless trawling of social network sites again becoming the chosen methods of seeing the day out.

“We'll get by,” said one plucky ASL crewmember “It's just hard to, like, concentrate on writing and stuff without wondering if surfer in red can get out of combo-land with seven and a half minutes on the clock.”

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Surf Schools “don't prepare students for real life”, says expert.

Coogee, NSW – Despite their fleets of softboards, brightly coloured lycra rash shirts, and accreditation with regulatory body Surfing Australia, Surf Schools still fall well short of their dry land counterparts, warned leading education expert Kath Murray.

“It's all very well to learn to spring to one’s feet in a smooth motion – arms outstretched, knees bent and weight centred – but these schools are failing to deliver sound learning outcomes on basics such as literacy, numeracy and reason,” Ms Murray argued yesterday.

“Call me old fashioned, but sitting on the beach while an ex pro surfer points out where the rips are hardly compares with six years of standard secondary-school curriculum.

“Being pushed into a one-foot reform by a surly local just doesn’t prepare one for the rigors of tertiary education.

“And if you ever finally land a job interview, will the claim of having ‘stood up for a couple of seconds’ count for anything?

Ms Murray suggested that parents continue to enrol their children in conventional schools for now, until Surf Schools broaden their curriculum, advising “There's got to be more to education than simulated paddling in the sand while chafing in the crotch from a too-tight wetsuit still warm from the previous pupil's urine.”

Thursday, April 16, 2009

“Not All Shark Attacks Accidental” Warns Bronze Whaler.

BROADBEACH Qld – Conservation groups such as Sea Shepherd and Save Our Sharks are giving the shark species a bad name, a Bronze Whaler claimed yesterday.

“We've been getting some sympathetic media coverage lately,” the 1.6 metre juvenile told reporters at an impromptu press conference out off the Kurrawa shark nets yesterday, “so it’s time to set the record straight.”

“Until recently, we’ve been seen as evil, bloodthirsty and remorseless killers, which is a lot cooler than the leftist thinking that portrays us as endangered miracles of evolution vital to the health of the seas and the planet or whatever.

“It's even been suggested that sharks have got more to be scared of than humans do.

“What kind of powderpuff homos do you take us for?”

At this outburst, the adolescent shark, known only as ‘Bronzey’ gestured menacingly to the media scrum, and rolled his eyes back in his head.

It wasn’t clear whether this was a gesture of exasperation or if he was intending to bite someone.

“You guys want the truth? All that stuff about mistaken identity, exploratory bites, only attacking when provoked – bullshit!

“Give me a couple of years to get to full size and I'm gonna take as many of you bastards down as I can!

“Know why? Cos I'm a fucken KILLING MACHINE, that's why!”

Appearing to shadow box with his pectoral fins, Bronzey went on to proclaim “I'll take youse all on at once.”

At this point, Bronzey's agent – a four metre Great White – appeared from the depths and reprimanded her young charge in front of the press gallery.

“I apologise for Bronzey’s outburst” the White Pointer said wearily, her tone suggesting this wasn't the first time he’d drawn unwanted attention to himself.

“My client's bark is worse than his bite ... for now anyway.

“See it from his perspective – when you've been around for four hundred million years, then 90 percent of your population is butchered in less than half a century, well, it’s enough to get a young fella a bit worked up.”

After a formal, yet reluctant, apology from Bronzey, the pair took only a few questions before excusing themselves and vanishing to the deep.

Possibly unaware of the sensitive underwater microphone's range, the Great White was overheard reassuring her young Whaler “You never know, they might just all wipe ’emselves out before they get through all of us ... chin up, young fella.”

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Local Builder Agitated By Webcast Commentary.

JAC JUC, Vic – 34-year-old-tradesman Paul Kline has registered a loud and impassioned complaint to his wife about dumb analogies used repeatedly by under-qualified webcast commentators.

“What's this shit about ‘building house’?” Kline was heard to shout from the spare bedroom – currently doubling as the home office – as a competitor scored a ride in the low seven-point range.

“They’ve said it every time this guy catches a wave!"

“All I see is a guy doing reos. How can this be compared to building a fricken house?” Kline continued as his wife Barbara came in from the living room to see what the fuss was all about.

“I guess it’s one of those clichés, sweetheart,” replied Barbara Kline, 29, who stayed calm through the ordeal.

“You know how these commentators are, they stumble across some nice piece of phrasing that makes ’em sound worldly, but with any self-awareness long gone they return to these mind-numbing clichés time and time again. Instant ego validation and all that.

“But you can't be too hard on them, darl” Barbara went on to say “It's just the way language is heading these days anyway. Wanky corporatespeak is killing the language of simple truth.

“You’ve just got to sit through half an hour of The Biggest Loser to see that. Even the fatties are waffling on about ‘the journey’ they're on – as if jogging and laying off the Tim Tams is some profound spiritual odyssey... So you need to cut these webcast guys a little slack.”

“Mind you” Ms Kline continued “If one more commentator says ‘Surfer X went to towwwn on that wave’ I'll march down to Bells and personally rip the cunt’s windpipe out.”

Monday, April 13, 2009

Specialist Cameraman Rushed South for Sunny Day at Bells.

TUESDAY 14/04 TORQUAY VIC – Unseasonally mild conditions at Bells Beach have seen a sharp rise in exposed female skin and thrown Rip Curl Pro Webcast Camera Crews into a panic.

As the mercury climbed above 25 degrees halfway through the second heat of the day, Melbourne Uni student Sandra Baker exclaimed it was 'too hot' for the pullover she was wearing, and shocked onlookers by watching the next two heats dressed in nothing more than a bikini top, cargo shorts and oversized sunglasses.

Witnesses report up to a dozen other females at the scene discarding unwanted articles of clothing.

The webcast crew's communications jammed as cameramen struggled with this decidedly un-Victorian visual element.

“We thought we were prepared for anything” one contest organiser said, “But it's three hours in to the webcast and we still haven't capitalised on a single cleavage opportunity.

“Best we could manage was an incidental shot of an average chick in denim shorts as we filmed Kelly walking down the stairs. It's a disaster.

“The guys are trying their hardest but Vicco blokes just can't pull a good pervy shot to save their lives. It's unknown territory for them.”

At a hastily-organised crisis meeting, organisers rolled the dice and put a call through to legendary Gold Coast Webcast filmer Dave Quinlan – known best for his roving beach work at the Quiksilver Pro at Snapper Rocks.

“There's a Jetstar flight direct from Cooly leaving in 20 minutes and Dave will be on it. We've chartered a chopper from Tullamarine to Bells, so after lunch we should start to see some quality chick pics filling the void created by the lulls and the mundane commentary,” said a clearly relieved webcast director.

“Dave's got what it takes – he can linger on a set of boobs without making it feel creepy, and his arse visuals have a quiet sense of dignity, so we can't wait to see his work with the crowd down here.”


Stop Press: In a move reminiscent of 1979's famous Surfabout Airlift (where competitors were flown from Sydney to Bells for the day) Dave Quinlan has reportedly swung by Greenmount Beach on his way to the airport and grabbed half a dozen brazillian females off the beach to take to Bells “as insurance".

Jury of Peers Unconvinced Teen Surfer Was Actually In Barrel.

MANDURAH, WA – Two days after 13-year-old weekend surfer Danny Kincaid claimed to have been 'fully shacked' at his local break, the facts of the matter seem no closer to hand.

The furore started at 10.35am local time, when Danny and friends were surfing a reform peak out front of the surf club, where many are junior members.

Kincaid paddled back out to his friends after taking a small inside wave, and excitedly described the tube ride no-one had witnessed.

14-Year-Old Rob Teale – respected among Kincaid's circle of friends as the guy who does the best reos and hacks and stuff – immediately disputed Kincaid's claim.

“Bullshit Caidy!” Teale is quoted as saying.

Onlookers report a heated exchange between Kincaid and Teale, with Kincaid protesting the authenticity of his barrel by describing how "The lip came right over my head. I wasn't like, super deep or anything, but for sure the back bit of my board was fully slotted and that.”

The agitation flared back up that afternoon as Kincaid recounted his barrel to some non-surfing friends at a nearby McDonalds restaurant. Once again, Teale provided an opinion to the contrary – this time stirring up support from others who'd been out there that morning.

Critically, Kincaid's best friend Tony Mcallum expressed doubts, asking Kincaid quietly “Mate, are sure you didn't kinda imagine it? Like, did you have your eyes open? Why didn't you jump off like you always do?”

Realising he had little support, Kincaid began to negotiate a compromise, reasoning “Look, it was definitely a cover up, there was stuff going on everywhere. I reckon if you were on the beach and a bit back I would have totally disappeared for a sec. Maybe not all of me at once, but, y'know, it would have been like 'where's Caidy? Oh, there he is'.”

By the end of the McDonald's session, Kincaid's ride had been downgraded to 'full-on head-dip'.

Friends say they will keep a close watch on Kincaid on return to school after the Easter break, lest he revert back to his original barrel claim.

“Betchya he tells Kath Dobson he got fully barrelled”, observed Teale “He's got the hots for her something shocking.”

Sunday, April 12, 2009

ASL staff runs 'desperately low' in excuses during recent swell bombardment.

BURLEIGH HEADS Qld – As their home break pumped at eight foot for days on end, one insider reveals ASL workers came under unprecedented pressure to deliver plausible reasons for not being out there getting the waves of their lives.

“We've got a lot on, what with ASL 250 coming up and all.” reckoned Editor Tim Fisher, echoing a common ASL staffer sentiment, adding “I woulda hit it this morning, only the tide was too low.”

“Looks like the northerly could spring up at any second” offered Associate Editor Chris Binns. “I'd hate to be 10 foot back in the barrel – which is where I'd probably be most the time – and have the northerly spring up and create the dreaded 'chandelier effect'.”

Photo editor Ben Ey claimed jetlag after a three hour ordeal flying back from the O'Neill Coldwater Classic in Tasmania four days previously.

ASL web editor Will had issues with his remote access server at home and couldn't access the surf cams. “How was I to know it was going off?”... fumed the indignant new-media specialist “Why didn't any of you c*nts call?... You know I love that shit!”

ASL designer Al Mitchell had the flu, assistant ASL editor Andy Morris didn't have the flu but complained of no ASL jet ski assist, South African expat publisher Simsy claimed diplomatic immunity while ASL honcho Pete Morrison labelled his decision to remain dry as a form of protest. “G20 summit, global warming, save Kirra, take your pick.”

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Study finds Burleigh Point best place to have Nervous Breakdown.

GOLD COAST QLD – According to a recent university study, Burleigh Point has pipped Currumbin Alley and The Pass in Byron Bay as the place most conducive to have a total psychological breakdown while surfing.

The study, conducted at over 200 iconic surf breaks both in Australia and overseas, observed the demeanour of over 3000 surfers, and concluded that the totemic hierarchy of Burleigh's pecking order, the confused nature of the bottom feeders, and the fact that the scene appears deceptively beguiling from land, all combine to make Burleigh Point – in particular the inside Rockbreak section on a high tide and an inconsistent south east swell – a 'mental-case time bomb waiting to explode', according to one researcher.

“Unless you were born in the Burleigh National Park, or you're a top 45 level pro, or just a supremely cunning human, you really are taking your mental health into risky territory spending more than an hour a day surfing this place,” says Professor Steven Harland from Griffith University. “Human factors aside, most of the damage is done by the waves themselves – a specimen of heartbreaking beauty will break close enough to fool you into believing that you might actually catch and ride one yourself.”

“It's too much to expect the human psyche to withstand this kind of pressure.”

Sixty seven percent of the surfers in the study showed signs of distress within 14 minutes of paddling out into the Burleigh lineup, with the severity of the symptoms increasing greatly between 7.00am and 8.00am, and more than doubling when respondents had to find a wave to go in on as domestic and work commitments became more and more pressing.

Perhaps not surprisingly, national military and intelligence agencies have expressed interest in the findings, and even the U.S are said to be pricking up their ears.

“Without telling tales out of school, I've taken the odd call from ASIO asking if it would be possible to train terror suspects in the fundamentals of surfing over an intense three week period, then send them out to The Point on a Sunday morning with the promise of a set wave for every bomb plot or Al-Qaeda hideout revealed.”

“In my opinion, not only does this contravene every article in the Geneva Convention, it would be a safe bet that a rogue element among the locals would make what went on at Abu Ghraib look like a sunday school picnic.”

“The irony of all this is that surfing is seen as a release, an escape from pressure,” Dr Harland goes on to say “whereas in terms of causing normally well-adjusted, competent surfers to lose their shit, Burleigh Point amounts to a perfect storm.”

The study found that in regional terms, The Gold Coast pointbreaks are seven times more likely to trigger complete mental collapse than any other surfing zone in Australia.

Other notable no-go areas include Newport Peak “Stress levels among respondents skyrocketed when one or both Carroll brothers were known to be in the area” notes Harland.

Anglesea Main Beach on Victoria's West Coast also polled highly as a mental minefield. “Despite the occasional reform left hander known as 'Junket Bowl' breaking into the rocks at the south end of the beach, the unceasing closeouts are water torture for anyone looking to go any way other than straight to the beach.” says an increasingly bitter-sounding Harland, who may have tampered with the data to reflect his own surfing experience.