Thursday, April 16, 2009
“Not All Shark Attacks Accidental” Warns Bronze Whaler.
BROADBEACH Qld – Conservation groups such as Sea Shepherd and Save Our Sharks are giving the shark species a bad name, a Bronze Whaler claimed yesterday.
“We've been getting some sympathetic media coverage lately,” the 1.6 metre juvenile told reporters at an impromptu press conference out off the Kurrawa shark nets yesterday, “so it’s time to set the record straight.”
“Until recently, we’ve been seen as evil, bloodthirsty and remorseless killers, which is a lot cooler than the leftist thinking that portrays us as endangered miracles of evolution vital to the health of the seas and the planet or whatever.
“It's even been suggested that sharks have got more to be scared of than humans do.
“What kind of powderpuff homos do you take us for?”
At this outburst, the adolescent shark, known only as ‘Bronzey’ gestured menacingly to the media scrum, and rolled his eyes back in his head.
It wasn’t clear whether this was a gesture of exasperation or if he was intending to bite someone.
“You guys want the truth? All that stuff about mistaken identity, exploratory bites, only attacking when provoked – bullshit!
“Give me a couple of years to get to full size and I'm gonna take as many of you bastards down as I can!
“Know why? Cos I'm a fucken KILLING MACHINE, that's why!”
Appearing to shadow box with his pectoral fins, Bronzey went on to proclaim “I'll take youse all on at once.”
At this point, Bronzey's agent – a four metre Great White – appeared from the depths and reprimanded her young charge in front of the press gallery.
“I apologise for Bronzey’s outburst” the White Pointer said wearily, her tone suggesting this wasn't the first time he’d drawn unwanted attention to himself.
“My client's bark is worse than his bite ... for now anyway.
“See it from his perspective – when you've been around for four hundred million years, then 90 percent of your population is butchered in less than half a century, well, it’s enough to get a young fella a bit worked up.”
After a formal, yet reluctant, apology from Bronzey, the pair took only a few questions before excusing themselves and vanishing to the deep.
Possibly unaware of the sensitive underwater microphone's range, the Great White was overheard reassuring her young Whaler “You never know, they might just all wipe ’emselves out before they get through all of us ... chin up, young fella.”