Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Ooooh, I Wanted Our Boy Fanning to Win the World Title But Now I Think I'm Rooting For That Joel Fellow Again.

Guest Opinion
By Goldmining Grandma Florence Tolhurst

Ever since a young Midget Farrelly set my heart on fire back in the day I've had an eye out for the surfies. My husband Walter – God rest his soul – couldn't abide the sight of 'em, so for the half-century of our holy union I've been careful not to admire these young bucks too openly or else he would get annoyed. He really would. Annoyed. My word. Yes.

Did you know my Walter always blamed that Shaun Tomson chap for his first coronary? Found some folded-up pictures of him tucked away in my sewing drawer back in '78 he did. Next thing you know we were screaming up Parramatta Road in the ambulance, with him refusing to hold my hand, muttering 'You've got some nerve, Florence' through the oxygen mask.

I never meant to hurt my husband. He was a good man. A decent man. Yes he was.

Since Walter passed though I've been free to follow the surfies on the internet to my heart's content. It's a real treat for half a dozen of us ladies in the home to sit down with a nice cup of tea and watch the surfing contests on the computer.

At my age, you might say my passion for the surfies has mellowed a little. It's more matronly concern now than when I was ... well ... you know what I mean. Here, have a toffee.

Have I told you we don't really care for the surfing out in the water awfully much? – too much sitting there, bobbing around, really, and without the most powerful of stimulants, half of us doze off after five minutes' commentary anyway.

What we absolutely adore is the interviews after they come out of the water! Such Manners! Oh, my word, such well brought-up young men!
Just when you thought gentlemen were a thing of the past.
Always going on about how great the other fellow surfs. Always so lovely and humble.

And always so sun-smart, with their little friends rushing up and handing them their caps straight away as soon as they get out of the water. You don't want melanoma now, do you. Oh no you don't. Horrible thing. Awful.

These boys give us endless things to talk about. We're always saying to eachother “My word, isn't it considerate of the other fellow's feelings when a lad says he was 'lucky to get through that heat' ”, or “That Dave Reynolds boy looks like he needs a hug” and “Ooooh, I'd like to put that Georgie Smith between two slices of bread...”

I am still a woman, after all. Feelings get stirred up.
From somewhere deep. Yes, deep.

Not that Hector Alves though. He looks like a monster in his ASP photograph. Get that beastly man away from me. Mercy!

I've always had a soft spot for our boy Fanning. He looks like a lad who'd help you across the road. Lovely. Just lovely. It was sad to see the poor soul missing out by the cruellest strokes of misfortune through the first half of the year.

But he's had his title hasn't he? 'Share' is what I always say. Don't be greedy. Don't be like that Slater fellow. Reminds me of Elvis he does. Never had enough to make him happy and look what happened to him.
They never learn. No they don't. Elvis. Such a shame.

So I was happy for young Joel's crackerjack beginning to the year. He's started his family quite young hasn't he? I always say, have 'em while you're young because then you've got more friends and you need friends don't you? I always say that don't I? I do.

Yes, Joel, lovely smile, lovely, but Esmae and Ada always wondered if he wasn't a bit cocky and I think they're on to something. Everything was always so easy. He looked like the cat who swallowed the cream.

So I started pulling for young Mick again, and what do you know, he's back on top! How wonderful. Yes. just lovely. Such a lad.

Well I WAS in Mick's corner until he won that thing in Portugal last night. Came straight out of the water and do you know the FIRST thing he did? Someone stuck a can of some newfangled energy drink in his hand and he and actually drank the whole thing! While he was being carried up the beach. In front of everyone!
Like he didn't care who saw!

God knows how much of the sugary muck the poor boy is hoovering up in private. Poor love.

Esmae reckons that next thing you know they'll be rushing down the water's edge with insulin, either that or a dialysis machine. She's got a mouth on her that woman. Yes she has.

Did I tell you that Diabetes took my poor Walter away? I'm not going to get attached to Mick only to lose him to the same scourge. It's just not right.

And that boy Joel has such lovely, white teeth, he wouldn't go near the stuff. No he wouldn't.

Go Joel. You make an old woman proud. And flushed.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Arm Raising Shoulder Dweller Accuses Surf Mag Editors of Discrimination

By Guest Goldminer Tim Brimblecombe

SLACKS CREEK – Local arm raiser Ray Smurgon has accused surf magazine editors of discrimination after failing to feature in any magazine or website with his arms up while a surfer rides the barrel.

Mr Smurgon believes the editors are conducting an orchestrated campaign and has accused them of photoshopping him out of images.

“I don’t understand it ... I’ve been to most of the big sessions in the past six months, you name it, I was all over it sticking my hands in the air and playing an important role,” said Mr Smurgon. “But did the back of my head with my arms up get one photo in any of the mags? No. Not fricken one.”

He accused editors of disrespect for failing to acknowledge his work and that of others who dedicate their lives to sitting in the channel or on the shoulder looking like they are taking part but never catching a wave.

“I’m out there on the shoulder, you know, doing the hard yards,” said Mr Smurgon, who admitted he cannot surf and has sometimes had to be saved while returning through the shore break by bodyboarders and young families on vacation. “I’m on good terms with all of the photographers, there’s a lot of mutual respect out there and that’s what comes with being a waterman. But as for the editors ... I don’t see them out there on the frontline.”

Mr Smurgon said several lucrative advertising contracts were under threat because of the poor exposure he received.

“There’s a lot that can be placed on the back of your head, believe you me, and I’ve been working on some new techniques to give advertisers excellent return on their investments.

“I have a new technique, which I call “the line of sight project”. Basically I line the surfer up with the photographer and the back of my mind’s eye. It’s like having an eye, but it’s at the back ... of my mind.

“And that’s not to mention the months of training I put in preparing for the latest big wave season. I spent hours watching Ricky and the boys in the Australian slips cordon during the Ashes and admiring how they raise their arms when appealing.

“I not only marvelled at their passion in the appeal but what also amazed me was the drive they seem to get through the legs. Of course I’m sitting on a board and can’t use my legs so I’ve worked hard developing that drive through my core. I do a lot of SUP ... that’s great for the core.”

Mr Smurgon was unsure what the future held.

“I plan to speak individually with each editor and if they won’t budge then I have a couple of other projects on the go, one of which is my book to be called “Presenting the Eye”, which is basically a how to guide which I hope to have in all good book stores by Christmas.”

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Aloha Shortage “Critical”

By Guest Goldminer Rick Bannister

– reporting from the near future –

HONOLULU — Aloha shortages have hit much of Hawaii, particularly the island of Oahu, at the height of the winter surf season.

Several islands in the Hawaiian group, including Kauai, Maui and Molokai, have imposed restrictions to maintain reserves until locals carrying more of the sacred energy arrive from the Big Island of Hawai’i. On the island of Oahu, locals and tourists have reported no aloha anywhere for the last five days.

"We had warned central government that this would happen months ago and now we are struggling to meet demand," said the concierge at the Lae Nani Outrigger, Kam Faaola.

The problem has been exacerbated by increased consumption of aloha during a record run of west swells on the North Shore. Not only the Hawaiian word for hello and goodbye, the deeper meaning of aloha is the joyful sharing of life energy. It seems the increasing number of surfers from around the world, particularly the aggressive nature of the Brazilians, has caused nearly all of the aloha in local reservoirs to evaporate.

Oahu has experienced aloha shortages before, but the trouble this year is unprecedented. The government reacted this week by declaring a state of emergency to ensure that locals did not run completely dry and be unable to welcome any visitors, regardless of whether they were surfers or not, during a year in which a record four and a half million tourists were expected.

Well-known local pro Chase Harrison would not say what measures the authorities should take. But he said that "aloha shortages are a major problem, because they have an immediate impact on tourists, especially haoles who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing in the line-up at Sunset. Bra, I want to show everyone aloha, but as a local surfer there’s only so much joyful sharing of life energy I can manage."

Dwindling aloha supplies have provoked other problems. The state has warned that locals are producing just half the number of shakas they were last year. The shocking drop in the signature hand gesture of Hawaii also suggesting that the local population’s ability to “hang loose” might also be flagging.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Disgruntled Surfer Claims “Time Didn't Stand Still.” Launches Class Action.

By Guest Goldminer
Tim Baker

SOUTHPORT, QLD – An angry Gold Coast surfer has launched a massive lawsuit against Shaun Tomson, Gerry Lopez and large sections of the surf industry and media, claiming that tube riding is a hoax.

Garry Peabottom, of Varsity Lakes, claims he has spent thousands of dollars and most of his adolescent and adult life trying to get tubed, because he believed “the systematic, deliberate, and misleading brainwashing of the entire surf culture, that the tube riding experience would give meaning to my life.”

“Time doesn’t slow down at all,” he told a busy media scrum, outside the Southport Magistrates Court. “If anything, it’s speeded up. I was in, then I was out again. Nothing happened. I’m the same person I always was, damn it.”

In his action, Peabottom claims he had accepted the “contrived surf media lies that tube riding would be a somehow transcendental, transformative experience.”

“They’re all in on it - the pros, the companies, the mags, the video makers, selling us a pack of lies,” he claimed.

The truth, he reckoned, was that his first brief tube, during a boat trip to the Mentawais with a gang of mates, had been “maybe mildly more exciting than having a tug, and nowhere near as good as a root.”

Mounting his own case, Peabottom called several supporting witnesses to the stand.

Frank “Franger” Mitcham, a plumber from Labrador, told the court Peabottom had been obsessed with getting tubed as long as he’d known him. “He’s not that crash hot a surfer to be honest. I’ve never seen a bloke get guillotined by the lip so regularly. He had a nack for it, would just stick his head in the things as if he wanted to get it taken off. He was hilarious.”

Peabottom, a large-bodied, ungainly goofyfooter, said they had scored “sick Maccas for three days, with only me mates, a few Brazzers and a bunch of pros in the water,” he told the court.

“As soon as I saw that wave, I just went, this is the place - this is where I’m going to get my first barrel,” Peabottom testified. “For the first coupla days I just got dropped in on, blew take offs or would get into an unsteady tube squat, get sucked up the face and sail over the falls with the lip.”

Several scars on Peabottom’s forehead and elbows, he claimed, were the result of repeated scrapes with what he called “the razor sharp reef lurking just below the surface.”

“Finally, on day three, I started to get the hang of it. Oh, I still blew a lot of them, but I caught a few lazy shoulders and then worked my way up the food chain until I was in the spot when a set came.”

He described the wave as “easy double over head” and claimed he was “fully shitting meself,” as the first wave of the set approached, but managed to catch the thing and gain a clean entry.

“I just stood there and the lip threw out and over me and I managed not to fall off,” Peabottom related. “Oh, it was nice enough and the view was pretty amazing for a few moments there, but I guess it had been built up so much in my mind by all those years of brain washing that it was a bit of an anti-climax, really.”

The defence case rests on the question of whether the plaintiff was actually in the tube. Star witness “Franger” Mitcham vehemently corroborated Peabottom’s story.

“Oh, he was in there alright. None of us could bloody believe it. We were all hooting our heads off and got right on it that night, drank the boat dry and demolished the duty free in celebration of Gazzer’s barrel,” he claimed. “I thought he seemed a bit subued though, not his usual self.”

Peabottom’s suit demands substantial damages from several major surfwear labels as well as the publishers of the Surfer’s Naval magazine, known for its flowery prose on the wonders of tube-riding, a number of distinguished surf identities known to have described the tube in extravagant terms, as well as respected surf writer, Barney O’Flannery. “He’s the worst of the lot,” Peabottom told the press. “You should see the garbage he writes - active meditation, stilling the conscious mind, creating a state of Flow. What a bunch of bullshit,” Peabottom spat.

He is seeking financial compensation for the money he has spent on boards, petrol, airfares, surf camp tariffs, even magazines and movies, over a 15 year period. He is also inviting other surfers who feel they have been similarly misled to overcome their shame and come forward to tell their stories.

“It’s a hoax and I’ve been had, we’re all being had. I’ll stay home at my local beachbreak and practice my airs from now on. They are way more rad and that Dane Reynolds dude, he ain’t trying to sell shit. The one consolation out of all this is I have finally found a surf star I can trust.”

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Humpback Whale to Take On Major Surf Industry Position

By Guest Goldminer Nick Carroll
(with added stupid bits by GM)

At its annual shareholders’ meeting yesterday, well-known surf corporation MegaSurf named “Sally”, a fully grown humpback whale, as its next Vice President of Marketing.

“We’re stealing a march on Billabong,” declared MegaSurf founder Wayne Cribbage. “They’ve merely got Dave Rastovich hanging around the humpbacks. We’ve gone one step further and hired one.”

The massive whale, who measures over 14 metres from beak to fluke and spends much of her time migrating between the Southern Ocean and the species’ South Pacific breeding grounds, has no previous industry experience.

Cribbage refused to be drawn on the question of affirmative action, pointing out that most people in the surf industry have never had another job either.

“Whales just seem to be these very appealing creatures who live in the sea all year round and are in touch with the great environmental mysteries…and the environment is very important to our customers.

“Plus they’re really huge, but non-violent. And girls love them! So it’s cross-marketing.

“It just makes sense.”

“Sally”, who speaks in a series of indecipherable clicks, squeals and humming sounds which are only audible underwater, will convey her orders to her human underlings through a complex tail splashing method known as “fluke morse code”.

“She’s already told us to hire Rasta and to get involved in a global push to protect the giant Southern Ocean krill and plankton fields,” an enthusiastic Cribbage told the shareholders.

MegaSurf insiders speculate that the plumb role of Contest Director at the MegaSurf Pro Fiji will also fall squarely into Sally's barnacle-encrusted lap – a suggestion Cribbage makes no attempt to deny.

“It's early days yet but we envision Sally playing a key role in the contest's webcast at the very least.

“With our understanding of the intelligence of these creatures growing by the year – not to mention their resurgent numbers – whales themselves are potential consumers of fine MegaSurf apparel and surf goods”

“To that end, Sally will click, squeal and sing her commentary, heat by heat, from an underwater booth at the MegaSurf Pro Fiji. We hope the glorious combat of Pro Surfing will capture the imagination of Ceteceans young and old.”

It's understood Sally has agreed not to give personal 'shout outs' during the sonar-cast.

“Abuse a commentator's privileges to transmit messages to family and friends? Even I know that's completely unprofessional,” she is understood to have tapped out in her crude morse code.

Little is known yet of Sally’s views on MegaSurf's other marketing investments, but no professional surfers have been laid off or replaced.

Top MegaSurf pro Himbo Jackson – currently ranked third in the world – says he’s happy with the appointment. “Normally having a chick in charge of my salary would be a cause for concern,” Jackson said. “But since she weighs around 40 tonnes, swims faster than most small fishing vessels and can dive to colossal depths below the ocean surface, I’ll let it go for now.”

According to Cribbage, MegaSurf had “nothing to lose and everything to gain” by employing the world’s first non-human surf industry executive. “Sally is showing every sign of being a positive inclusion in our management team, going forward.

“And after all, if things don’t work out, we can always sell her to the Japanese. They love whales.”

Monday, October 5, 2009

Billabong Executives Conspiring to Wax Mick Fanning's Board with Soap.

Billabong HQ, Australia
– Joel Parkinson's 2009 World Title lead is to be protected 'by any means possible', a leaked internal email revealed today.

The explosive document implicates a number of individuals in Billabong's marketing team as holding secretive 'Think Tank' sessions in order to guarantee early season runaway leader Joel Parkinson stays ahead of the ASP pack come December.

“We've already printed five thousand PARKO9 commemorative tees and caps, and designs are finalised on the Numero Uno Mega Stretch Titanium Eco Champ boardies” the document states, “so unless we wanna dump this all shit into landfill ... well, thinking caps on, gentlemen.”

The email continues: “Our attempt to steal Mick's quiver in France was a mixed success. On the positive side the burglary was executed with stealth and brilliance - all nine boards were removed from the house without the occupants stirring. On the down side our contracted thief broke into the wrong apartment and took CJ Hobgood's boards instead. We put this glitch down to the fricken language barrier.”

In a conspiracy that seemingly reaches all the way to the top of the surfwear giant's sprawling executive branch, a wide and devious range of submissions are tabled in a powerpoint attachment, including:

• KIDNAP either Mick's beloved dog Taylor, or recently-sighted alter-ego Eugene, with a series of early third round exits as ransom.

• SWEAR to Mick and his entourage that Rip Curl's mobile search event has been moved from Portugal to Siberia, “Honestly”.

• HACK into Mick's twitter account and post several tweets suggesting that The Wolfpak are a bunch of effeminate shoulder-hopping homos, and that Mick could take any number of 'em down in a fistfight on any beach in the world. This could come in handy if the title race stays open until Pipe.

• WHOOPS! If Mick wins Mundaka, arrange for the traditional throw off the harbour wall to be miscued. “It's entirely possible that a mistimed throw could send the champion back on to the cobblestones on the other side of the wall” reads the rationale.

• CONTRACT a delusional evil genius to rig up a gigantic doomsday electro magnet of sorts – perhaps secreted in the iconic church overlooking Mundaka – and aim it at the metal hook in Mick's hip bone as he takes off. “It worked in an old episode of Batman” the submission reads, “so perhaps it could be applied in this case of corporate-sport-sabotage.”

• APPEAL to Mick's sense of mateship and egalatarian sense of fair play, using emotive language such as “Garn maaaaaaate, you've already got a bloody title, thought you two were mates, maaaate...” etc

The leaked corporate email dismisses all the above suggestions as “spirited but ultimately stupid.”

The document states bluntly: “We will be proceeding with 'Operation Greased Lightning' ” and provides details on the strategy to wax Fanning's boards with soap.

“A cache of Palmolive Gold soap has been bought at IGA supermarket in West Burleigh. It was purchased with petty cash so it cannot be linked back to the company's financial records. We hope to have it smuggled into Spain within 48 hours.

“It would be too suspicious if Parko himself was to waltz up and say 'Heeeey Mick, ol' buddy ol' mate ol' arch rival, let me wax your shooter with this oddly aromatic wax', so we're looking to co-opt the third member of the 'cooly kids' as an agent of sorts.

“Yes, while Mick's going through his pre-heat stretch/dance routine, none other than Dean Morrison will use his honorary status as the third 'kid' to access the inner sanctum of the comp area and apply the dastardly top coat of slippery gold that will clear the way to glory for Parko.

“Fortunately, Mick wears headphones in his pre-heat warm up, so he won't be able to hear Dean's devious and evil laughter.

“This will be the single most destructive Dingo act since Azaria Chamberlain, but without the blood – unless of course Mick slips and pierces his own scrotum with a fin, or the tip of his DHD 6'1”.”

“Mmmmmmwwwwaaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaahhhh” the document concluded.