Monday, October 5, 2009

Billabong Executives Conspiring to Wax Mick Fanning's Board with Soap.

Billabong HQ, Australia
– Joel Parkinson's 2009 World Title lead is to be protected 'by any means possible', a leaked internal email revealed today.

The explosive document implicates a number of individuals in Billabong's marketing team as holding secretive 'Think Tank' sessions in order to guarantee early season runaway leader Joel Parkinson stays ahead of the ASP pack come December.

“We've already printed five thousand PARKO9 commemorative tees and caps, and designs are finalised on the Numero Uno Mega Stretch Titanium Eco Champ boardies” the document states, “so unless we wanna dump this all shit into landfill ... well, thinking caps on, gentlemen.”

The email continues: “Our attempt to steal Mick's quiver in France was a mixed success. On the positive side the burglary was executed with stealth and brilliance - all nine boards were removed from the house without the occupants stirring. On the down side our contracted thief broke into the wrong apartment and took CJ Hobgood's boards instead. We put this glitch down to the fricken language barrier.”

In a conspiracy that seemingly reaches all the way to the top of the surfwear giant's sprawling executive branch, a wide and devious range of submissions are tabled in a powerpoint attachment, including:

• KIDNAP either Mick's beloved dog Taylor, or recently-sighted alter-ego Eugene, with a series of early third round exits as ransom.

• SWEAR to Mick and his entourage that Rip Curl's mobile search event has been moved from Portugal to Siberia, “Honestly”.

• HACK into Mick's twitter account and post several tweets suggesting that The Wolfpak are a bunch of effeminate shoulder-hopping homos, and that Mick could take any number of 'em down in a fistfight on any beach in the world. This could come in handy if the title race stays open until Pipe.

• WHOOPS! If Mick wins Mundaka, arrange for the traditional throw off the harbour wall to be miscued. “It's entirely possible that a mistimed throw could send the champion back on to the cobblestones on the other side of the wall” reads the rationale.

• CONTRACT a delusional evil genius to rig up a gigantic doomsday electro magnet of sorts – perhaps secreted in the iconic church overlooking Mundaka – and aim it at the metal hook in Mick's hip bone as he takes off. “It worked in an old episode of Batman” the submission reads, “so perhaps it could be applied in this case of corporate-sport-sabotage.”

• APPEAL to Mick's sense of mateship and egalatarian sense of fair play, using emotive language such as “Garn maaaaaaate, you've already got a bloody title, thought you two were mates, maaaate...” etc

The leaked corporate email dismisses all the above suggestions as “spirited but ultimately stupid.”

The document states bluntly: “We will be proceeding with 'Operation Greased Lightning' ” and provides details on the strategy to wax Fanning's boards with soap.

“A cache of Palmolive Gold soap has been bought at IGA supermarket in West Burleigh. It was purchased with petty cash so it cannot be linked back to the company's financial records. We hope to have it smuggled into Spain within 48 hours.

“It would be too suspicious if Parko himself was to waltz up and say 'Heeeey Mick, ol' buddy ol' mate ol' arch rival, let me wax your shooter with this oddly aromatic wax', so we're looking to co-opt the third member of the 'cooly kids' as an agent of sorts.

“Yes, while Mick's going through his pre-heat stretch/dance routine, none other than Dean Morrison will use his honorary status as the third 'kid' to access the inner sanctum of the comp area and apply the dastardly top coat of slippery gold that will clear the way to glory for Parko.

“Fortunately, Mick wears headphones in his pre-heat warm up, so he won't be able to hear Dean's devious and evil laughter.

“This will be the single most destructive Dingo act since Azaria Chamberlain, but without the blood – unless of course Mick slips and pierces his own scrotum with a fin, or the tip of his DHD 6'1”.”

“Mmmmmmwwwwaaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaahhhh” the document concluded.


  1. Good Stuff. By having the last event at Pipe, Billibong has already stolen the title from Mick's grasp.

  2. hhhhmmmmmmm, interesting take guys