Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Study finds Burleigh Point best place to have Nervous Breakdown.

GOLD COAST QLD – According to a recent university study, Burleigh Point has pipped Currumbin Alley and The Pass in Byron Bay as the place most conducive to have a total psychological breakdown while surfing.

The study, conducted at over 200 iconic surf breaks both in Australia and overseas, observed the demeanour of over 3000 surfers, and concluded that the totemic hierarchy of Burleigh's pecking order, the confused nature of the bottom feeders, and the fact that the scene appears deceptively beguiling from land, all combine to make Burleigh Point – in particular the inside Rockbreak section on a high tide and an inconsistent south east swell – a 'mental-case time bomb waiting to explode', according to one researcher.

“Unless you were born in the Burleigh National Park, or you're a top 45 level pro, or just a supremely cunning human, you really are taking your mental health into risky territory spending more than an hour a day surfing this place,” says Professor Steven Harland from Griffith University. “Human factors aside, most of the damage is done by the waves themselves – a specimen of heartbreaking beauty will break close enough to fool you into believing that you might actually catch and ride one yourself.”

“It's too much to expect the human psyche to withstand this kind of pressure.”

Sixty seven percent of the surfers in the study showed signs of distress within 14 minutes of paddling out into the Burleigh lineup, with the severity of the symptoms increasing greatly between 7.00am and 8.00am, and more than doubling when respondents had to find a wave to go in on as domestic and work commitments became more and more pressing.

Perhaps not surprisingly, national military and intelligence agencies have expressed interest in the findings, and even the U.S are said to be pricking up their ears.

“Without telling tales out of school, I've taken the odd call from ASIO asking if it would be possible to train terror suspects in the fundamentals of surfing over an intense three week period, then send them out to The Point on a Sunday morning with the promise of a set wave for every bomb plot or Al-Qaeda hideout revealed.”

“In my opinion, not only does this contravene every article in the Geneva Convention, it would be a safe bet that a rogue element among the locals would make what went on at Abu Ghraib look like a sunday school picnic.”

“The irony of all this is that surfing is seen as a release, an escape from pressure,” Dr Harland goes on to say “whereas in terms of causing normally well-adjusted, competent surfers to lose their shit, Burleigh Point amounts to a perfect storm.”

The study found that in regional terms, The Gold Coast pointbreaks are seven times more likely to trigger complete mental collapse than any other surfing zone in Australia.

Other notable no-go areas include Newport Peak “Stress levels among respondents skyrocketed when one or both Carroll brothers were known to be in the area” notes Harland.

Anglesea Main Beach on Victoria's West Coast also polled highly as a mental minefield. “Despite the occasional reform left hander known as 'Junket Bowl' breaking into the rocks at the south end of the beach, the unceasing closeouts are water torture for anyone looking to go any way other than straight to the beach.” says an increasingly bitter-sounding Harland, who may have tampered with the data to reflect his own surfing experience.

No comments:

Post a Comment