Rogue Ferret Wreaks Havoc in Quiksilver Pro Judges' Tower.

Wed 3rd March, Snapper Rocks, Gold Coast, Australia – A series of puzzling scores and baffling judging decisions at the Quiksilver Pro has been traced to the behaviour of an increasingly aggressive stray ferret loose in the Judges' tower, sources confirmed today.

It isn't clear how the ferret gained entry into the enclosure. Locals say recent heavy rains in the Coolangatta region may have forced the possibly abandoned domestic pet to seek refuge in the elevated judging infrastructure at Snapper rocks.

“Initially, having the little guy around was a bit of fun,” says a judge who agreed to speak to The Goldmine on degree of anonymity. “He was pretty freaked out when we found him, cowering in the corner under some towels, seemed harmless enough, so we left food out for him and let him have the run of the place.”

“He was a well-behaved mascot through the first round, we even christened him Felix, but soon as round two kicked in, things started falling apart.”

Bystanders report screams emanating (in a number of languages) from the judging tower midway through Neco Padaratz and Damien Hobgood's second-round heat.

“Forget 'White LIghtning' said a shocked onlooker, “I didn't know an animal could run up the a judge's leg and into his shorts so quickly.

“One second Felix was curled up on the floor sleeping, the next he's wrapped around a judge's testes, right when Neco was on what looked like a really good scoring wave.”

“How the judge managed to remain impartial and lock in an accurate score I'll never know.”

The rogue ferret's behaviour has not only impacted the occupants of the tower, there are also reports of cables being gnawed through. The $100,000 instant replay system is damaged beyond repair with nesting debris and feces overheating the circuit boards.

According to insiders, key members of the judging staff were 'trying to corner Felix with a broom' as a particularly close heat between Jeremy Flores and Dane Reynolds was unfolding.

Unable to view the replay to scrutinise the ride, judges were forced to fall back on their backup device, the 'Applause-o-meter 2000', which gauges the audio levels of gasps and cheers from the beach and award the scores “pretty fairly to the favourites” it is claimed.

Sources report that the Ferret – described as fawn-coloured with a cream underbelly, black markings across its eyes, and razor sharp claws and teeth – grew increasingly agitated through the afternoon, becoming particularly crazed when the horn blew to signal the start of the day's final heat between Portugese surfer Tiago Peres and South African child-giant Jordy Smith.

“Felix went ballistic, literally leaping from one judge's face to the next,” reports a photographer stationed adjacent to the tower, “by this stage every judge was armed with anything they could get their hands on – dustbin lids, pieces of wood, makeshift body armour, and they're all smashing eachother trying to nail the little fucker.”

With the replay system down and their attention anywhere but the ocean, and the Applause-o-meter in smithereens, judges were apparently forced to stick their heads outside the door and ask bystanders if surfer in red's last wave was 'like, innovative or not'.

Late last night, new head judge Richie Porta was reportedly trying in vain to track down predecessor Perry Hatchett, who single-handedly captured and released a rabid Weasel unharmed from the judges' tower at Trestles in California in 2003. Perry couldn't be raised.

STOP PRESS: In breaking news Felix has been reported heading south towards the Webcast commentary booth.

Dane Reynolds 'A Huge Disappointment', claims Angry Surf Forum Mob.

MON FEB 15TH 2010 – Surf blog enthusiasts worldwide have been driven to rage by the fact that Dane Reynolds has failed to blow their minds with a downright freaky online clip for the second week in a row.

Several surf sites have had their servers jammed by a torrent of bitter personal attacks on all facets of Reynolds' character, his surfing and sexual orientation.

“I'm angry, confused and let down by this prick Reynolds” writes Bugalugs72 in a tirade typical of many on primesurf.com. “So much for cutting edge surfing... the latest Dane Reynolds clip is weeks old. I've viewed it half a dozen times now and am no longer impressed.”

It's a sentiment echoed by DaneSux on the futuristically groovy site spitesurf.com,“Safety turn after safety turn – I don't care if they're performed above the lip – It's all just just so PREDICTABLE after four or five views. Reynolds is a joke and I hold him personally responsible for dragging surfing kicking and screaming back into the dark ages.

"Wanker".

“In no way is my unfocused and ignorant rage a clear reflection of the bitterness I feel towards my own mediocre talents in the water and the drudgery of my own life, which stretches before me as a sad, increasingly grey wasteland of anonymity” writes YouseCanAllGetStuffed on critically lauded failsurffail.com “Lord no, It's not about me, it's about someone calling it like they see it, and quite frankly, way I see it, the whole thing stinks.

“Take Mick Fanning. Biggest joke of the lot. Without question holding surfing back. I don't think I've ever been less impressed with a so-called world champion.

“I mean, put aside his exquisite repertoire of moves, a top turn that will make you weep with its sheer speed, power, timing and beauty; forget for a moment the astounding completeness of his waveriding in any conditions; ignore the personal tragedies, the crippling injuries, the almighty focus and steel will of the man; dismiss if you will the fact he'll be first out every morning such is his sheer love for surfing and the ocean; put to the back of your mind his humility, patience and approachability and what do you get?

“That's right, a pathetic joke of a contest machine.”

Barely pausing for breath, YouseCanAllGetStuffed continued, “Seriously. if I have to sit on front of my computer anywhere I want and watch a free, three-camera-angle webcast to see the world's best surfers stumble through heats with staggeringly beautiful highwire shredding I can't tell you how upset I might become, and how I'll bombard the world's message boards with my stinking vitriol.

“Thank christ for Dane Reynolds. Now there's the future right there.

“What's that? We're over Dane now?

“Riiiight. Yep, Thought as much. Honestly, Dane Reynolds – what a letdown that conservo-boy-homo is. Sad to think back, all the way back to January, how he was the real deal. These days? Two thumbs down.

“Without question, holding surfing back.”

Not only is the former poster boy for avante-garde performance now universally loathed for the recent drought of mind-blowing freakiness, Surf media analysts have noticed an online trend towards pre-emptive hating, and cite dangerously renegade sexmysurf.com, where the hapless Reynolds is acting as springboard in a discussion that's officially attracting a gazillion new posts per minute.

“Fuck EVERYONE,” writes self-described 'maverick' blog commenter BlinkyBalls on sexmysurf.com “in particular, fuck the ASP tour, the rebel tour, the judges, the caterers, the security staff, the mags, the locals, the tourists, the blow-ins, Mum, Dad, my little sister, Fanning, Slater, Reynolds. Fuck em ALL.

“But most of all, FUCK the bloke who's gonna surpass Dane Reynolds. Whoever comes along in a blaze of glory, doing things we never imagined, well, I'm over him and his late-2011-style conservatism already.

“Boooooring!”

--------------

As the goldmine goes to press with this story, Dane Reynolds' management has offered an emotional apology to the entire surfing world for “Dane's disappointing inability to blow minds with something crazy and new over the last couple of weeks.”

“Dane knows he has a lot of soul searching to do” reads the press release, “and personally feels he deserves every well-considered barb his online supporters have skewered him with.”

Huge Flesh-Eating Fish Loose In Oceans, Reports Surf Group.

By Nick Carroll

Vast fish capable of devouring human flesh at will are roaming the world's oceans, possibly in huge numbers, according to a study released today by the renowned activist group, Friends of the Surfing Environment.

The fish, estimated to be between two and five metres in length and equipped with rows upon rows of huge triangular-shaped teeth, are yet to be identified by any other ocean biological institute. But the FSE study claims they may have been lying in wait in the ocean depths for millions of years.

"At last now we have some explanation for why people -- including surfers -- very occasionally go missing from beaches around the world, or are washed up onto the sands with dreadful wounds which science has never been able to account for," said Jeffrey Beachhead, FSE's director of research.

Beachhead and his crew had spent years searching for proof of the gigantic, vicious predators' existence, capturing only fleeting glimpses of their disturbingly sharp-edged pectoral fins, cold assassin-like black eyes, and vast, gaping, fang-filled jaws.

Rumours of a blood-chilling bycatch of the deadly fish in the Gold Coast dolphin nets - designed to protect Japanese tourists from being irritated by the sight of live dolphins - have circulated for decades, while officials have refused to comment.

But recent discoveries - including a dead whale, washed up on a South Australian beach with huge chunks of blubber torn from its sides - have added weight to what was once just a mad theory bandied about by conspiracy nutters and wackjob environmentalists.

Surfers and fishermen alike reacted to the shocking revelation with a mixture of horror, relief and outright scepticism.

"I knew this wasn't a figment of my imagination," wept NSW North Coast surfer Johnny Dickson, showing off a deep crescent-shaped "bite-mark" in his upper thigh. Dickson had claimed for years that the injury was due to a large, terrifying fish having seized upon him "like some sort of tiger" and shaking like a mad dog before inexplicably releasing him from its grip.

But friends, doctors, local police and others had dismissed the claims, saying Dickson was "always trying to get attention" and that he'd probably inflicted the wounds himself with a pocket knife.

"They'll be eating their words now," muttered Dickson, sporting an ironic grin.

Nonsense, says Felix Thurston, of the Florida-based Institute for People Disappearing off Beaches For No Apparent Reason. According to Thurston: "This farcical theory about massive ravenous killer fish has been proffered before, and has always been found wanting. Until the FSE truly satisfies the burden of proof, we will continue to assume that people are being abducted by deep-space aliens for their own unknowable purposes.

"For God's sake, if the ocean really was full of these terrible grey beasts, how could Mankind ever have colonised the globe?"

Asked if he had any advice for surfers and beachgoers in general, Beachhead shrugged his shoulders. "Frankly, I don't know what to tell anyone," he said. "We all thought the ocean was a safe place. It's hard to get your head around the fact that an entire sub-family of death-dealing fish the size of Stand-Up Paddleboards have been out there since before humans walked the planet, just waiting for the right moment to strike."

Legrope-Free Purist Slightly Less Smug After Fourth Swim To Beach.

Toonalook backbeach, January 18, 2010. – Local soul surfer Carl Reid's annoying air of superiority took a well-deserved setback today thanks to a number of tiring swims to retrieve his retro twin-fin fish.

Reid, 23, met two friends, John Mcphee and Wayne Tanner at Toonalook backbeach lookout at 3.00pm whereupon they agreed on a quick surf despite the marginal windswell on offer and rapidly dropping tide.

“We were getting changed and straight away Reidy was on our case for how lame we were for using a legrope on a two foot beachie.” recalls Tanner.

“Thing is, I kinda agree with him but there's something about the way the smug prick comes over all fucken-holier-than-thou that makes me want to punch him in that goateed face of his.”

Reid, who adorns his boards with Sea Shepherd stickers, continued to lecture his friends about their 'infantile dependence' on the legrope as they made their way down to the water's edge.

Onlookers observed Reid’s legrope-free posturing and body language with distaste.

Bea Smith, 78, a long term Toonalook resident, walking her beagles along the beach at the time, commented to reporters. “Look at 'im, like a strutting peacock that boy is. Poser is what I reckon.”

Disdain soon turned to joy for the eyewitnesses as Reid lost his board four times in half an hour.

On each occasion he was forced to swim all the way to the beach.

“It was magic” claimed a clearly elated Mcphee, “the first time he swam in he was all like 'it's a good workout' and 'I'm feeling the flow' and stuff, but you could see him getting more and more pissed off. By the fourth swim he was fully losing his shit, swearing and carrying on.

“He'd be madly swimming after his board and every time he'd almost get to it, a little whitewater'd come through and take it out of his reach.”

Mcphee continued: “Kinda makes me believe that there might be some kind of karmic force behind the ways of the ocean after all., 'Cos anything that wipes that smug fucken I'm-more-in-tune-with-the-great-mysteries-of-the-ocean-than-you-look off his face has got to be good.”

Goldmine Author Calls Off Two-Month Search For Motivation.

Sunday 20th December 2009. Graeme Murdoch, of Burleigh Heads Queensland today called off the search for the energy and motivation required to post entries on sporadically humorous blog 'inside the goldmine'.

“I thought if I spent some time away from the blog, you know, bludging for a while, then after a while I'd turn around and Bam!.... there it'd be, staring me in the face and urging me to get stuck into the next soft target that blundered into my field of vision.” said the 42-year-old.

“But weirdly, the opposite happened: the longer the absence, the less necessary it felt to continue, blogging became increasingly less vital to my sense of vindication. It was oddly liberating to let the time between entries lapse from days to weeks to months.”

Witnesses report that the signal emitting from Murdoch's 'give-a-fuck-about-anything' beacon has become so weak that any prospect of locating the drive and passion to continue the goldmine, – indeed, to approach any creative endeavour with rigour and professionalism – would be nothing short of a Christmas Miracle.

“I dunno” said Murdoch, scratching his arse, “I might have another look behind the couch or in the car under the seats in the new year sometime. Maybe there'll be some remnants of desire or commitment I can scrape up and cobble together, but I wouldn't count on it.

“For now all I'm good for is to lie around and eat chocolates and watch entire series of Dexter in one go.”

Friends express fears that Murdoch's standards of personal cleanliness will wane along with his creative mojo. “It's scary to think he might actually pay less attention to grooming and hygiene than he does already,” says one.

Dave Montoya Fundraising raffle winners

Hi all. Hey sorry for the lack of satire over the last month. Been kinda distracted away from the whole humour thing lately.

I'm using this blog post to announce the winners of a fundraising raffle we had for a mate, Dave Montoya who's fighting a brain tumour right now. Guy's a legend.

Anyway, we raised 15K and Dave and hid bro are headinhg off to the States to pursue some treatments not available here.

Grand Prize Winner: Graeme Pedermont

runner up #1: Nathan French

runner up #2: Michael @ Golden Legends Restaurant

runner up#3: Debbie Arkland

runner up #4: Robyn Luke

runner up #5: Sam Smith

runner up #6: Margaret Kelly

runner up #7: Ash + Dee Frost

cheers. Here's to Dave hey.

Gra

Modern Collective A “Trojan Horse for Socialist Utopia.”

By Tim Baker.

Planet Earth – Stars of the highly touted new surf movie, Modern Collective, have been shocked to discover the project was all an elaborate ruse by film-maker Kai Neville to impose his leftist-socialist politics on the world.

In the fine print of agreements signed by the surfers, they are henceforth obliged to donate all future income “for the collective good of humanity.”

Under the agreement, private ownership of wealth is strictly prohibited and the surfers’ earnings from sponsorship and prize money, as well as all profits from the film, must be handed over to a number of approved “community projects”.

“I thought collective just meant we were going traveling and surfing together, not some kind of crazy kabutz shit where we had to give everything away,” complained a stunned Dion Agius. “I should have twigged when Kai started carrying on about upsetting the apple cart, and apples for every one. I just thought he was on the pingers.”

Lawyers for the surfers are poring over their contracts but so far can find no loopholes in the binding agreements they have entered.

“It first came to me one day at Canguu,” said Neville, of his inspiration for the scheme. “I’d just despatched some little Balo kid to order our lunches and fetch me some fresh batteries when I had a kind of epiphany. I just couldn’t justify tripping around the planet in the lap of luxury with all these wealthy guys while so many people went without the basic necessities of life,” he said.
“All these unpaid extras in surf movies, often in impoverished third world locations, earn nothing from our imposition on their homelands and I figured it was time we gave something back. It’s nothing but an accident of birth that we have so much while they go without.”

The combined annual incomes of the surfers, Agius, Smith, Mitch Coleborn, Dusty Payne, Yadin Nichol and Dane Reynolds, believed to be in the vicinity of US$4 million, will be diverted into a charitable foundation and distributed to a number of community groups.

Top of the list is a large training facility for unemployed youth around Canguu, equipping them for jobs in the surf industry. Everything from board making and ding fixing, to website design and film making will be taught. Additionally, the surfers will all be required to perform several weeks of community service in the facility. Any failure to comply may result in an extended stay in a special “re-education camp.”

“Machado had the right idea. All he had to do was pretend he was digging a freaking well for a few minutes while Taylor got the shot, and everyone thinks he’s a bloody Saint,” bemoaned Mitch Coleborn. “We’ve basically signed our lives away because of this crazed little Che Guevara posing as a camerman, and if we complain and try and wriggle out of it we look like the bad guys.”

The only one not complaining is Reynolds. “I’ve always hated being a surf star and all the money and opportunities that come with it,” said Reynolds. “Frankly, it’s been torture. This will finally allow me to really be the kind of gritty, down-at-heel rebel I’ve always wanted to be.”