World's Women Surfers Not As Good As Me, Says Local Man

BY GUEST GOLDMINER, NICK CARROLL

LAZY BAY, MID-NORTH COAST NSW: A local surfer has struck back at a recent American surfing magazine cover line, saying he believes he is superior to every female surfer on the planet.

John McGarrity, 38, spent most of late yesterday at a nearby pub deriding the cover of Surfer magazine, the supposed "Bible of the sport", whose latest edition carried the slogan: "Carissa Moore Surfs Better Than You".

"The day some chick surfs better than me is the day I'm giving up surfin'," pronounced Mr McGarrity. "Chicks can't surf! It's a (expletive deleted) joke."

According to Mr McGarrity, photos of women successfully riding waves are merely a product of surf companies eager to promote their female fashion ranges, and are almost entirely faked. What was more, the whole idea was unnatural.

"I grew up surfin' with blokes and that's the way nature intended it to be," he continued. "It's the only place you can get away from the womenfolk."

Indeed, Mr McGarrity said, he had only recently read an article in a well-known scientific publication stating that when women came into contact with surfboards in a saltwater environment, they became upset and ill and had to be escorted off the beach. "Thus, it's (expletive deleted) irresponsible encouraging 'em to try taking part in this essentially masculine pastime," he stated. "They're never gunna enjoy 'emselves anyway. That's all I'm sayin'. Along with the fact that I'm superior to every woman on earth in every area of achievement."

When shown a video sequence of current world champion Stephanie Gilmore in action, Mr McGarrity scoffed. "That's a bloke with a wig on and a particularly slender waist."

Colleagues of Mr McGarrity nodded their heads in seeming agreement, though several later expressed doubts about his abilities. "Johnny's not that good himself, let's face it," said one. "If it was Lukie (Lazy Bay club champion Luke Harrington) up against the cream of the ASP's current top 17 female seeded surfers, well yeah, I reckon he'd clean 'em all up every time.

"But Johnny? Mate he has his days but he has his off days too, if ya know what I mean."

Another colleague chortlingly held up a newspaper with a large photo of Layne Beachley on her recently famous Sydney reef wave, and asked: "Caught any of these lately Johnny?"

Mr McGarrity became increasingly agitated at these comments, eventually storming out of the bar after a local barmaid offered to arm-wrestle him for a bet.