Monday, July 27, 2009

Dog and Master Reunited after Master Seemingly Vanishes Off Face of the Earth for 40-minute Surf.

33 year old Airey's Inlet surfer Jason Bridgeford has been found safe and well, miraculously stepping back out of a mysterious other-world to rejoin the land of the living, his dog told all within earshot on the beach yesterday.

'Nugget', a four-year-old Border Collie Kelpie Cross – who had all but given up hope of seeing his master alive again greeted Bridgeford at the water's edge, breathlessly and loudly exclaiming “you're back you're back you're back oh my god I can't believe it's really you don't you ever leave me like that but I can't be angry at you oh god I love you so much I thought I'd never see you again” and wagging his tail vigorously.

The ordeal began mid-morning after a wetsuit-clad Bridgeford and Nugget descended the muddy track down to the beach at semi-secret point break Sunnymead.

Nugget's hopes for a companionable romp on the foreshore – perhaps an endless fetch-and-throw exchange involving a manky tennis ball – were dashed as they reached the sand and Bridgeford issued stern instructions to “Stay here and mind the towel.”

According to onlookers, Nugget initially disobeyed the wishes of his master and accompanied him to the water's edge, imploring him not to leave.

“As a canine, specific short-term-recall isn't exactly my forté, but there was definitely a weird sense of deja vu about this whole scenario,” says Nugget.

“And I didn't like it one bit. No sir.

“You have to understand, this man's a God to me – my one and only source of food, of joy, tummy scratches and ball throwing – and here he was, wading out into this mysterious and threatening other-world that I could not follow him into.

“I did my best to stay with him. God knows I tried. But the further I ventured the more my paws lost traction. Like I was running in outer space or something. It was weird, cold and freaky. I had to turn back, and pray to the Lord above that my Beloved Commandant would do likewise.”

Witnesses report an increasingly agitated Nugget pacing the water's edge, calling out in vain to the fast-vanishing Deity, before returning to the towel.

“Worst thing is any scent trail allowing you to to keep tabs of your One-And-Only just vanishes at the edge between the two worlds.” recalls Nugget.

“It's a nightmare. Words can't describe the shock, the confusion, the abandonment.”

Thus began Nugget's torturous 40 minute vigil – an interminable five hours in dog time – where the bereft hound's mood swung from stoic optimism, to a brooding floppy-eared melancholy that not even the intriguing allure of a passing-by Labrador could soothe.

“Sure, I checked that Labrador's anus out – I felt that Beloved Light-Of-My-Life would want me to get on with things as best I could – but I was just going through the motions as I jammed my nose into that Lab's arse.”

“When you lose interest in these things, you know you're not doing well, but you have to keep going.”

To get through the anxious uncertainty of waiting, Nugget called on all his strength to maintain a routine of sorts: primarily scratching behind his ears and licking his balls.

But in the cruellest of developments, Nugget fell victim to several allegedly heartless pranks as other figures approximating Bridgeford's form emerged from the blue beyond, only revealing themselves to be lesser humans on closer inspection.

“Bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard” Nugget was heard to exclaim to every perpetrator of these false alarms.

Indeed, witnesses report that it was with cautious suspicion that a heartbroken and wary Nugget approached the emerging figure of Bridgeford – who after getting a nice little barrel decided it was probably time to come in.

“I thought, here we go again, another prick pretending to be my Personal Jesus and break my heart into a million pieces... but as he got closer and called out 'ya crazy boofhead mongrel' I knew that life was once again worth living, The Chosen One was safe and I was the happiest dog in the fricken universe.”

With emotion running high, a brief bout of recrimination and sulking ensued when Nugget refused to get in the car, and had to be lifted up into the back seat.

“I just wanted to be held” he would later confess.

Bridgeford and Nugget returned to their Airey's Inlet home by lunch, to be greeted by Mrs Bridgeford's Burmese cat, who reportedly yawned “Oh dear, I was rather hoping you two dickheads had drowned.”

As we go to press, Nugget is anxiously watching his master make some toast and hoping with all his heart and soul for some benevolent crusts, as he's pretty sure he can't make it through to dinner time.


  1. are the genious! Your posts make my week.

  2. funny, insightful and creative.
    Thanks for this great perspective!