Monday, September 14, 2009

Bored Surf Cam Stalks Beachgoers

Sydney, NSW, Australia
– In a chilling portent of a future where robots rule the earth, a Bondi surf cam has overridden its settings and now spends most of its time panning the beach for hot chicks in bikinis. users recently noticed the errant behavior during an unseasonably warm spell.

“We had a few complaints and figured that some idiot was pointing the cam back towards the beach,” says Surfsearch’s editor Don Williams.

“We just figured some local kids were stuffing us round.”

However, the following saturday saw a small swell coincide with above-average temperatures, and once again, website administrators were alerted to the cam's behavior.

“I logged on to check it out and it became obvious we've got an oversexed, easily distracted surf cam on our hands here,” says a clearly perplexed Williams.

“It basically couldn't give a rat's about the surf. It just trawls the beach relentlessly for arse.

“When it locks in on a topless backpacker it'll tilt itself 15 degrees, and zoom in and out repeatedly.

“It focused on a pack of Brazilians and did the zoom-in-zoom-out thing for five minutes, while producing a credible bass-heavy wka wka porny soundtrack.

“From what I can tell it’s got a soft spot for joggers: get two lithe chicks with their hair in ponytails jogging the promenade, and the lens clouds up pretty quick.

“That said, it’s not fussy: every female between 16 and 60 gets the full once-over.”

To compound matters, the rogue cam has managed to route into Surfsearch’s complex mainframe and has been sending rudimentary binary communications back to headquarters.

“We're not 100% certain, but we're pretty sure he wants to be known as ‘Stefan’ ” says Williams.

Disturbingly, ‘Stefan’ has managed to shear off one of its positioning brackets and now has the ability to track unsuspecting females off the beach and up into any nearby dwellings.

Authorities urge local residents, particularly those on the northern headland, to draw their curtains at nightfall.

In further developments, some key cameras in Surfsearch’s national network are displaying early signs of autonomous thought: neighbouring Palm Beach and Currumbin cams in Queensland occasionally lock into an intense stare-off; all South Australian cams have been humming the Jaws theme on dusk; Victoria's Anglesea Cam subliminally flashes images of Teahupo'o into vision of its notoriously weak Junket Bowl section, and the Avalon surf cam appears to be fixated on its own reflection in a nearby window.

Nonetheless, the Bondi surf cam is the most pressing concern for the Surfsearch crew.

“We’re trying to get Stefan to agree to counselling’’ says Williams, “but he tells us to go fuck ourselves.”

1 comment:

  1. Gra,

    Funny Stuff. You were robbed at the Surfer Poll.Hitler surf trip should have won.