“Pleasing drop” in Attendance Figures at Local Surf Museum.

TOONALOOK POINT, East Coast Aus – As The Toona Surf Museum celebrates its first year of operations, recently-released figures show visitors are staying away in droves, and the proprietors are delighted.

“A lot of blood, sweat and tears has gone into this museum” says resident curator Brent “Snowy” Snow.

“It took years of lobbying for a grant from the government to kick off the TSM – and you wouldn't believe the bureaucratic hoops we had to jump through to get zoning permission” he chuckled.

“Then there was the process of sourcing the material – classic boards, memorabilia, archival footage for the multimedia displays – all the stuff that's made Toonalook Point one of the jewels in the crown of Australia's surfing heritage.”

“All the local crew – from solicitors to plumbers and plasterers – have donated their time free of charge to make this museum what it is.

“The Toona boardriders have even held a few fundraising cake stalls down the point. Seeing big Jezza in an apron selling Lamingtons, now that's commitment!

“This Museum shows what a close-knit community can achieve when it puts its mind to a shared purpose.”

At this point, Mr Snow took a step forward and jabbed his forefinger into your reporter's chest.

“Given how proud we are of our little museum, why the FUCK would we want to share it with any blow ins?”

Despite this hostility, Mr Snow was prepared to share the details of the report, and after some push-and-shove, conceded there was still work to do to reduce visitor numbers even further.

“What we've found is, Christmas and Easter holidays are easily the worst times for visitors. Swarms of people from up and down the coast, wanting to come in and gawp at the exhibits like they own the place.

“School holidays aren't much better, though if the kids come in on their own we find it easier to intimidate 'em into leaving pretty much straight after they've paid their admission fee.

“Next year we plan on rotating Waz, Daz, Gaz and Baz in shifts through peak visitor periods.

“By having, say, Waz and Gaz set up in the foyer, talking unnecessarily loudly about how fucked all the blow ins are, we believe we can turn more than half potential visitors away immediately.

“And to deter the more persistent museum-goer, we're installing a new audio component to our five most popular exhibits – sensors detect an onlooker and plays a pre-recorded message along the lines of 'What the fuck do you think you're looking at mate.' etcetera

“With these new strategies in place, we reckon we'll only have to resort to more forceful measures – keying cars, slashing tyres, punching on like girls – once or twice a week, in even the busiest periods.

“I'm confident that by this time next year, if we stick to our plan, the Toona Surf Museum will be completely visitor-free and only patronised by the guys responsible for the exhibits in the first place.

“Now fuck off.”